Lisa, where have you been?

Lisa, where have you been?

Writing my own book. And guess what. It’s gonna be FREE until March 14.

Reblog. Spread the word. Download it. Love it. Hate it. Tell me about it.

kthanksloveyou.

Chase from “Crank” by Ellen Hopkins

Meth is like one of those, “I give up on life totally” drugs.

This book is filled with sleazebags, rapists, absent fathers and drug addicts who drive their girlfriends to suicide. It was hard enough to find anyone of value. So here’s Chase, the only real good guy from “Crank.” Let’s see how good he really is.

About Chase

  • takes drugs
  • pimply
  • high school student
  • has somewhat of a future

His problem?

  • He is in love with a girl
  • who is pregnant with another man’s baby
  • and she’s addicted to meth
  • he might be addicted, but probably not
  • jury is out on this one.

From Faces of Meth. These photos were taken 2.5 years apart. TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

Sexxi Points

  • doesn’t want to have sex with a girl who was just raped
  • like, cares about her state of mind
  • sort of
  • is willing to stay with her even though she’s having another man’s baby

Boner-Killers

  • he doesn’t really make Kristina go to the doctor
  • or the cops
  • after the rape
  • I mean he just kind of is like
  • maybe we should wait a week before having sex
  • he also takes meth with her
  • and introduces her to a bunch of other drugs
  • like E.

The Verdict?

He seems like he could potentially be a decent guy, and he probably is, for his age. But he’s a little too passive and a little too destructive, and I’m not seeing a whole lot of stunning qualities. He is willing to stay with his girlfriend through her pregnancy, but the book ends before we can see if he really sticks it out. Rating: Meth is bad. Do not date boys who take meth.

Aslan from “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” by CS Lewis

Wow, someone made a sexy Mr. Tumnus. I may have to do this next. Damn.

I don’t want to hear about how Aslan symbolizes Jesus, or how having sex with animals is wrong. We all know Aslan the Lion is supposed to be a badass rugged dude. And, since he’s sentient and self-aware and all that, I’m going to count him as human, not animal.

About Aslan

  • He’s a lion
  • he’s supposed to rule Narnia
  • but he’s not there for some reason
  • kinda like Simba in The Lion King.

His problem?

  • he’s a savior
  • so he’s doomed to die
  • but he wants to or something

This was actually the tamest sexy fanart I could find. I found this other one where the beast was having sex with Scar, but it was a little much.

Sexxi Points

  • he’s this rugged, self-sacrificing, giant lion
  • who is smart
  • so it’s totally fine to be in love with him
  • hey, you all saw Beauty and the Beast
  • you all know she had sex with a lion
  • so don’t pretend this is weird.
  • he gave up himself to the witch
  • to save Edmund
  • the little boy
  • who was kind of a little shit

Boner-Killers

  • absent
  • lets the witch take control for a while
  • and that prevents Christmas from happening
  • even though like,
  • if Aslan was just there the whole time
  • Christmas would continue on
  • don’t really understand why he was gone for so long
  • letting Narnia go to hell and all.
  • He also makes Peter a knight
  • and he’s a little kid
  • way to use child soldiers, Aslan
  • came back from the dead
  • I’m a little weird about screwing things that were once dead
  • it’s not entirely a deal breaker, though

The Verdict?

It would have been cool and self-sacrificing if Aslan really gave himself up to save Edmund. But really, Aslan knew there was a “deeper magic” or whatever, so he already knew that if the witch killed him in Edmund’s place, that he’d come back.

So it’s like, he didn’t really sacrifice himself, because he knew he would come back to life. So that whole sentimental thing was phony.

Rating: Boner-Killer. Not because he’s a lion, or Jesus, but because he’s a phony at the end of the day.

Faulkner’s Advice For Reading His Novels

cra1130:

Faulkner is a badass, but do you think this mentality holds up given the abundance of content on the Internet today? Do you think people will still wade through tough works, when there are so many attention-grabbing headlines promising instant gratification?

Originally posted on 101 Books:

I guess this means I need to read The Sound and the Fury three more times to get it.

Crap.

View original 7 more words

Hagrid from the Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

LEGO HAGRID YES.

I’m not interested in Harry because he’s like, a child for most of the series. That’s a little too creepy. While we all know Harry ends up becoming a grown ass hottie, I can’t in good faith analyze things he did when he was 10.

So who was an adult at the start? Who hasn’t been done to death?

Fuckin’ Hagrid.

About Hagrid:

  • saves Harry from an abusive relationship
  • introduces him to his secret wizard-ing life
  • he’s basically the bouncer of Hogwarts.

His problem?

  • Generally monster-like, misunderstood, coarse and potentially unlovable.

He’s just…a little TOO big.

Sexxi Points

  • I like the whole, saving a kid from an abusive foster home
  • and then giving him lots of money
  • and helping him save the world and stuff
  • and how he can take care of dragons
  • he’s half-human, half-giant
  • and I’m a mixed kid
  • basically the same, right?
  • oh, and he’s always carrying people
  • so that’s nice, he could like
  • save me from a burning building

Boner-Killers

  • bathing?
  • communicating?
  • inside voice maybe?
  • shaving?
  • he cries too much
  • I can’t understand WTF he’s saying.
  • if he’s five times as wide as a normal man…
  • I mean
  • there’s such a thing as “too big.”
  • there’s definitely a sort of
  • I mean
  • haven’t you heard of the law of diminishing returns?

The Verdict?

I think we should just be friends partially because having sex with you would feel like childbirth. Rating: You Can Go Down on Me But That’s It.

J.K. Rowling admits Hermione should’ve ended up with Harry, not Ron

cra1130:

Hermione should have ditched both of those dudes, to be honest. I mean, Harry kept bossing her around and putting her in mortal danger, and you just know Ron was having awkward boners all the time.

Originally posted on Shelf Life:

[ew_image url="http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2014/02/02/RON-HERMIONE.jpg" credit="" align="left"]

Seven years after putting the finishing touches on her Harry Potter books, J.K. Rowling is having second thoughts about romantically pairing Hermione with Ron. Some fans of the books never warmed to the idea that the bookish girl and the clumsy but loyal red-head were meant to be — especially since Harry and Hermione always seemed so perfect for each other. Now, in an upcoming interview with Emma Watson in Wonderland magazine (and teased in today’s Sunday Times), Rowling admits that she might have done things differently. “If I’m absolutely honest, distance has given me perspective on that,” she told Watson, who’s guest-editor for the magazine. “It was a choice I made for very personal reasons, not for reasons of credibility. Am I breaking people’s hearts by saying this? I hope not.”

“I wrote the Hermione/Ron relationship as a form of wish fulfillment,” Rowling…

View original 86 more words

What Makes a Good Secksy Character?

So you have read my reviews. Or you’re about to. A few things might cross your mind about me:

  • feminist
  • bitch
  • feminist bitch
  • critical
  • reads a lot
  • reads too much
  • appears to be more concerned with reading than making sandwiches for men

All of these things would be true.

But I am critical of myself and my process, so I wanted to examine what goes through my mind as I rate dudes:

  • I’m sort of lenient on male characters who cheat
  • as long as they make up for it in other ways
  • however, IRL, my cheating standards are much higher
  • which is interesting. I have a double standard here.
  • Probably because reading books is sort of like engaging in a fantasy.
  • I do not usually forgive incest
  • But I will forgive something like murder
  • if it was justified
  • because I sort of like carnal impulses in my literary dudes.

So what makes a good sexy character?

  • His own code of morality
  • understanding and empathy
  • devotion
  • motivation counts a lot
  • doesn’t have to be intelligent
  • I mean, you can be dumb and still hot
  • funny preferred, not necessary.
  • I must be able to imagine you pulling me out of a burning building.
  • Or, better yet, there can be a scene of you pulling me out of a burning building
  • a hurt soul is preferred
  • but not a whining one
  • give me someone in secret pain
  • I like a fixer-upper.

Do you have someone you want me to rate?  Let me know. I’ll consider it. Well, reasonably speaking. I don’t want to do another Frankenstein’s Bitch.