female boner

What Makes a Good Secksy Character?

So you have read my reviews. Or you’re about to. A few things might cross your mind about me:

  • feminist
  • bitch
  • feminist bitch
  • critical
  • reads a lot
  • reads too much
  • appears to be more concerned with reading than making sandwiches for men

All of these things would be true.

But I am critical of myself and my process, so I wanted to examine what goes through my mind as I rate dudes:

  • I’m sort of lenient on male characters who cheat
  • as long as they make up for it in other ways
  • however, IRL, my cheating standards are much higher
  • which is interesting. I have a double standard here.
  • Probably because reading books is sort of like engaging in a fantasy.
  • I do not usually forgive incest
  • But I will forgive something like murder
  • if it was justified
  • because I sort of like carnal impulses in my literary dudes.

So what makes a good sexy character?

  • His own code of morality
  • understanding and empathy
  • devotion
  • motivation counts a lot
  • doesn’t have to be intelligent
  • I mean, you can be dumb and still hot
  • funny preferred, not necessary.
  • I must be able to imagine you pulling me out of a burning building.
  • Or, better yet, there can be a scene of you pulling me out of a burning building
  • a hurt soul is preferred
  • but not a whining one
  • give me someone in secret pain
  • I like a fixer-upper.

Do you have someone you want me to rate?  Let me know. I’ll consider it. Well, reasonably speaking. I don’t want to do another Frankenstein’s Bitch.

Pedro from “Like Water for Chocolate” by Laura Esquivel

This would be really romantic if you weren’t married to her sister.

This book had a lot of blah blah about food that I just skipped. I know the recipes had some kind of hidden meaning in the text, but I use Seamless and unsuspecting dates to get food, not my own hands. I mean, I did melt some cheese in a pan today. Does that count?

There was only like, one dude in this whole village. It was so bad that one girl ran away with a soldier and another went to a mental asylum to meet a new man. It was that bad. Aren’t you glad we have OKCupid, so that jerks are just a click away?

Here’s Pedro.

About Pedro

  • in love with Tita
  • Mexican
  • that’s about it in terms of details.

His problem?

  • he can’t marry Tita
  • because she’s supposed to never marry and take care of her mom
  • so he marries Tita’s sister to stay close to her
  • creepy?
  • and the sister has all kinds of problems, like bad breath
  • saggy vagina
  • big belly
  • no breast milk
  • vomited her own wedding cake
  • the author just made the sister as unappealing as possible.

If you give a fuck, you can follow the recipes in the book and make stuff. I did not care this much.

Sexxi Points

  • Stuck around? Points for that, maybe?
  • Stuck around for twelve years.
  • Around but not active
  • He never really stood up to Tita’s mom or anything
  • And he married Tita’s sister
  • and cheated on her with Tita
  • and got her pregnant
  • Why can’t anyone just enjoy sex in any of these books?
  • Gross.

Boner-Killers

  • Cheated on his wife with her sister
  • I don’t think he went to college or anything
  • Actually he doesn’t really seem to do anything?
  • What does this cat do?
  • Other than whine and have sex with people’s sisters?

The Verdict?

I’m not down with this dude. His best qualities seem to be staying around and waiting for convenient times to have sex. He’s like mold, if mold had sex. Oh and when he finally can be with Tita, he dies during sex, and then Tita basically kills herself by eating candles. It’s a lot more romantic in the book, but that’s what it amounts to.

Tita, you should have married the dude you met in the mental asylum.

Pedro, go to school, locate your balls, go back in time and make Tita your wife the first time around. All your romantic whining took twelve years and then you died with your pants around your ankles. Not a good look. BONER-KILLER.

The Boy from “Miss Lora” by Junot Diaz

Her ass isn’t THAT flat, I guess.

Just in case you need directions on how to fuck up a relationship (being a teenage boy who pumps lots of iron seems to have something to do with it) then read “This is How You Lose Her” by Junot Diaz.

Here’s the text from “Miss Lora” if you need to try before you buy.

About Unnamed Teenage Boy, called UTB from here on

  • sixteen years old (like Pi Patel!)
  • brother dead from cancer
  • but the brother was a cheater.
  • like their dad.
  • lives in a generally bad area
  • and he’s not really expected to go to college
  • and do stuff with his life
  • but he lifts lots of weights and tries to be a good boyfriend
  • and get laid.

His problem?

    • he has a girlfriend named Paloma
    • who won’t have sex with him
    • because she’s college-bound and she’s worried that UTB is a muscular anchor
    • who will impregnate her
    • and ruin her life and she’ll be another statistic and all that happy stuff
    • UTB is also obsessed with sci-fi and the apocalypse
    • like the movie “Red Dawn.”
    • and a single older woman in the neighborhood is hitting on him
    • but she has no tits and ass.
    • but she’s kinda interested in his mind and life
    • and not just his dick.

Basically, if you want to lose her, you can cheat on her, ignore her, don’t stick up for her while your brother bangs her, make sure she’s much older than you so things can never get serious, or let her get her teeth knocked out by chick gangs. This is pretty much what I learned from this book.

Sexxi Points

  • Seems to be smart and in generally good shape
  • tries really hard to go down on Paloma
  • but she doesn’t let him…what?
  • she must not really know how pregnancy works
  • I mean, not giving up the pussy, I can understand, but not even oral?
  • I mean, REALLY?
  • This part of the story kind of annoyed me, if you can’t tell
  • Very idealistic
  • and romantic
  • and ultimately he is college bound!
  • and willing to date a bald girl in college

Boner-Killers

  • he seems innocent enough, but he does end up cheating on Paloma with the old lady
  • which I guess I could forgive because he’s sixteen
  • and she’s in her thirties
  • and she’s kinda raping/taking advantage of him
  • and he’s just a horny teenager.
  • but you know, he whines about what a piece of crap his dad and brother were, and goes and does the same thing
  • although I get the feeling he’ll grow out of those issues
  • very premature ejaculation during sex.
  • And he’s obsessed with “Red Dawn.”
  • That counts as two strikes
  • like, more than the whole cheating thing.

The Verdict?

Since Paloma ended their long relationship the moment she went away to college, his infidelity doesn’t seem too bad. He definitely didn’t seem to be stringing Paloma along — UTB was clearly a placeholder for her until she could find the dude she really wanted.

It’s a little sad that he was taken advantage of by the old lady, but you can really see UTB is going to grow up into a great bf. Sorry you were treated like crap, UTB, better luck next time. Call me when you’re 30. Rating: bien sexxi.

 

Holden Caulfield from “The Catcher in the Rye” by J.D. Salinger

I was into saying ‘I was into that before it was cool’ before it was cool.

If you’re here because you’re in some Honors English class or you think you’re a genius deep middle schooler, I’m probably going to disappoint you. Holden sucks and here’s why.

About Holden Caulfield

  • keeps getting kicked out of school
  • rich-ass parents
  • white
  • like not just in skin tone, but in general hipsterness
  • like he probably graduated from NYU and moved to Brooklyn afterwards
  • and opened an antique bicycle repair store.

His problem?

  • kicked out of school
  • general vagabond-ry
  • hates all institutions
  • obsessed with this chick he made out with like, once
  • can’t hold a train of thought
  • he’s probably in a mental hospital?
  • a mental hospital he can afford because his parents pay for everything.

I roll my own cigs and this jacket is vintage and so is my underwear and I only paid three bucks and when my dad dies I’m going to take the money I get from my trust fund and go to Alaska and write a travel blog about it.

Sexxi Points

  • when I was 12, I probably would have said how deep and rebellious he was
  • but now I am wiser and I realize he’s a whining white boy who has had everything paid for him
  • which is particularly annoying because Sallie Mae now owns my first-born son
  • so it’s hard to feel sympathy for this jackass
  • but I digress.

Boner-Killers

  • no future
  • whining whining whining
  • misplaces fencing equipment on the NYC subway
  • like really, how do you do that?
  • Can’t fuck a prostitute
  • Can’t fight a pimp
  • Can’t fight.
  • lies.
  • this character spawned the hipster revolution, I’m sure. Do nothing, pay for nothing, complain about it.
  • He probably cries after sex. Unconfirmed, but all signs point to Yes.

The Verdict?

I think this has been scathingly clear. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Learn more about why I hate Holden (added bonus of learning about my high school years in Plano, Texas, and other information you may not care about).

Erotic Poetry: A Valentine’s Day Boner

50 Shades of YAWN.

I was going to write about Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey for Valentine’s Day. I really tried, but it was terrible. It was too awful to read, to buy, to download illegally. If you’re offended by this statement, good. Please leave my blog. and buy a vibrator.

I didn’t believe at all that this perfect rich man would spend any time with this whining college chick who is supposed to be American but uses British slang. It sounded like something one of my single girlfriends would write.

It would be a whole lot more believable if this successful, hot entrepreneur spent 20 hours a day working and then did some cocaine and visited a dungeon party.

THEN WE WOULD HAVE A STORY, PEOPLE.

So instead I’m going to rate the sexxiness of an erotic poem by ee cummings. It’s called “may i feel said he.”

Note: I’m rating the sexxiness of the dude in the poem, not necessarily ee cummings.

About the Muchacho

  • Well, he’s a guy
  • who is married
  • and is trying to get laid
  • and apparently succeeds
  • but possibly ejaculates prematurely?

His problem?

  • he’s trying to get laid
  • she’s trying to fall in love

Apparently, ee cummings liked curves and long legs.

Sexxi Points

  • seems like he’s being polite and asking
  • but he’s really being a lot more assertive
  • without being intimidating
  • which is a hard balance to reach.
  • did I mention he’s married?
  • Is that a plus?
  • Maybe for a fantasy.
  • The sex is a bit painful
  • in a good way

Boner-Killers

  • well, he’s married.
  • Possible premature ejaculation?
  • You have to ask him to kiss you
  • which doesn’t really imply tenderness
  • (Hmm, but that could be sexxi?)
  • Isn’t poetry complicated?
  • He seemed to fall off his game by the end.
  • The start was slow, too
  • there was only one point where the sex seemed enjoyable for her, actually

The Verdict?

Since the muchacha basically wins in the end and has him wrapped around her finger, I thoroughly approve of this fantasy. Oh, and he’s married, which is also good for a fantasy. But only a fantasy. This is, after all, a horny blog on people who aren’t real/are dead. Rating: BIEN SEXXI

Please be good to your brains this Valentine’s Day. Or don’t, and read some erotic literature.