Holmes from “Devil in the White City” by Erik Larson

 

Try not to uhm, die.

About Holmes (if that is your real name…Bart Simpson!)

  • Pretends to be a pharmacist
  • (and he has really blue eyes)
  • so he can get people to trust him
  • (did I mention his eyes were blue?)
  • and then he kills them and sells their bodies to science
  • (like, totally calm lake blue)
  • likes to lure women into his hotel for the Chicago World’s Fair of 1893
  • (seriously if the author mentions his blue eyes one more time I might chloroform myself)

His problem?

  • he really likes killing people
  • that’s pretty much his biggest problem
  • he also has a lot of debt and has like fifty names
  • but the killing thing is pretty big

Sexxi Points

  • the blue eyes, except when I got sick of hearing about them
  • confident, a little grabby on the first date, but in a sexy way
  • knows a lot about the law, particularly stuff about life insurance
  • motivated (but uhm pretty much just to kill people)
  • he believes in long bike rides, romantic evenings out, and letter-writing

Boner-Killers

  • he killed his boyhood friend
  • he killed his cats
  • people around him tend to fall off rooftops
  • after taking out life insurance policies
  • and naming him benefactor
  • you only leave his hotel if you’re in a box
  • and the basement is a little hot
  • ugh, and he only likes blondes

The Verdict?

He killed his cats. The End. Rating: BONER-KILLER

This book also inspires me to learn more about George Ferris, the dude who made the Ferris Wheel. What, you know he’s gotta be romantic.

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Monk from “Erasure” by Percival Everett

About Thelonius ‘Monk’ from Erasure

  • moderately successful novelist
  • criticized for not being ‘black’ enough
  • smart enough to know race is a social construct
  • and that he’s actually a shade of brown, not black

His problem?

  • mom has Alzheimer’s
  • gay brother is getting divorced/losing his family/losing his moneys
  • abortionist sister doctor murdered by religious people
  • he writes a parody of a ‘black’ novel and it ends up becoming a best-seller, and he has to pretend to be two people
  • and it’s really annoying because he won’t stop whining about it
  • but he uses the money to help out his family and stuff, so that’s cool I guess

This sells, Monk. Deal with it.

Sexxi Points

  • he turns down sex if you’re pathetically desperate
  • or if you have bad taste in literature
  • no really, he will leave you crying half-naked even with a raging boner
  • he’s willing to stick up for gay dudes being hassled at a bar
  • even though they end up not needing his help
  • oh, and he loves his mom, which is good

Boner-Killers

  • he’s basically Holden Caulfield, but ten years older and a sell-out
  • he is incapable of shutting the fuck up about how he was his father’s favorite child
  • and just fuck someone.

The Verdict?

Whining aside, Monk is still sexxi as hell. His ability to turn down sex had me slipping over my own vaginal juices. Rating: bien sexxi.