Monthly Archives: January 2013

Holmes from “Devil in the White City” by Erik Larson

 

Try not to uhm, die.

About Holmes (if that is your real name…Bart Simpson!)

  • Pretends to be a pharmacist
  • (and he has really blue eyes)
  • so he can get people to trust him
  • (did I mention his eyes were blue?)
  • and then he kills them and sells their bodies to science
  • (like, totally calm lake blue)
  • likes to lure women into his hotel for the Chicago World’s Fair of 1893
  • (seriously if the author mentions his blue eyes one more time I might chloroform myself)

His problem?

  • he really likes killing people
  • that’s pretty much his biggest problem
  • he also has a lot of debt and has like fifty names
  • but the killing thing is pretty big

Sexxi Points

  • the blue eyes, except when I got sick of hearing about them
  • confident, a little grabby on the first date, but in a sexy way
  • knows a lot about the law, particularly stuff about life insurance
  • motivated (but uhm pretty much just to kill people)
  • he believes in long bike rides, romantic evenings out, and letter-writing

Boner-Killers

  • he killed his boyhood friend
  • he killed his cats
  • people around him tend to fall off rooftops
  • after taking out life insurance policies
  • and naming him benefactor
  • you only leave his hotel if you’re in a box
  • and the basement is a little hot
  • ugh, and he only likes blondes

The Verdict?

He killed his cats. The End. Rating: BONER-KILLER

This book also inspires me to learn more about George Ferris, the dude who made the Ferris Wheel. What, you know he’s gotta be romantic.

Monk from “Erasure” by Percival Everett

About Thelonius ‘Monk’ from Erasure

  • moderately successful novelist
  • criticized for not being ‘black’ enough
  • smart enough to know race is a social construct
  • and that he’s actually a shade of brown, not black

His problem?

  • mom has Alzheimer’s
  • gay brother is getting divorced/losing his family/losing his moneys
  • abortionist sister doctor murdered by religious people
  • he writes a parody of a ‘black’ novel and it ends up becoming a best-seller, and he has to pretend to be two people
  • and it’s really annoying because he won’t stop whining about it
  • but he uses the money to help out his family and stuff, so that’s cool I guess

This sells, Monk. Deal with it.

Sexxi Points

  • he turns down sex if you’re pathetically desperate
  • or if you have bad taste in literature
  • no really, he will leave you crying half-naked even with a raging boner
  • he’s willing to stick up for gay dudes being hassled at a bar
  • even though they end up not needing his help
  • oh, and he loves his mom, which is good

Boner-Killers

  • he’s basically Holden Caulfield, but ten years older and a sell-out
  • he is incapable of shutting the fuck up about how he was his father’s favorite child
  • and just fuck someone.

The Verdict?

Whining aside, Monk is still sexxi as hell. His ability to turn down sex had me slipping over my own vaginal juices. Rating: bien sexxi.