If you’re here because you’re in some Honors English class or you think you’re a genius deep middle schooler, I’m probably going to disappoint you. Holden sucks and here’s why.
About Holden Caulfield
- keeps getting kicked out of school
- rich-ass parents
- like not just in skin tone, but in general hipsterness
- like he probably graduated from NYU and moved to Brooklyn afterwards
- and opened an antique bicycle repair store.
- kicked out of school
- general vagabond-ry
- hates all institutions
- obsessed with this chick he made out with like, once
- can’t hold a train of thought
- he’s probably in a mental hospital?
- a mental hospital he can afford because his parents pay for everything.
- when I was 12, I probably would have said how deep and rebellious he was
- but now I am wiser and I realize he’s a whining white boy who has had everything paid for him
- which is particularly annoying because Sallie Mae now owns my first-born son
- so it’s hard to feel sympathy for this jackass
- but I digress.
- no future
- whining whining whining
- misplaces fencing equipment on the NYC subway
- like really, how do you do that?
- Can’t fuck a prostitute
- Can’t fight a pimp
- Can’t fight.
- this character spawned the hipster revolution, I’m sure. Do nothing, pay for nothing, complain about it.
- He probably cries after sex. Unconfirmed, but all signs point to Yes.
I think this has been scathingly clear. Rating: BONER-KILLER.
Learn more about why I hate Holden (added bonus of learning about my high school years in Plano, Texas, and other information you may not care about).