I was into saying ‘I was into that before it was cool’ before it was cool.
If you’re here because you’re in some Honors English class or you think you’re a genius deep middle schooler, I’m probably going to disappoint you. Holden sucks and here’s why.
About Holden Caulfield
- keeps getting kicked out of school
- rich-ass parents
- white
- like not just in skin tone, but in general hipsterness
- like he probably graduated from NYU and moved to Brooklyn afterwards
- and opened an antique bicycle repair store.
His problem?
- kicked out of school
- general vagabond-ry
- hates all institutions
- obsessed with this chick he made out with like, once
- can’t hold a train of thought
- he’s probably in a mental hospital?
- a mental hospital he can afford because his parents pay for everything.
I roll my own cigs and this jacket is vintage and so is my underwear and I only paid three bucks and when my dad dies I’m going to take the money I get from my trust fund and go to Alaska and write a travel blog about it.
Sexxi Points
- when I was 12, I probably would have said how deep and rebellious he was
- but now I am wiser and I realize he’s a whining white boy who has had everything paid for him
- which is particularly annoying because Sallie Mae now owns my first-born son
- so it’s hard to feel sympathy for this jackass
- but I digress.
Boner-Killers
- no future
- whining whining whining
- misplaces fencing equipment on the NYC subway
- like really, how do you do that?
- Can’t fuck a prostitute
- Can’t fight a pimp
- Can’t fight.
- lies.
- this character spawned the hipster revolution, I’m sure. Do nothing, pay for nothing, complain about it.
- He probably cries after sex. Unconfirmed, but all signs point to Yes.
The Verdict?
I think this has been scathingly clear. Rating: BONER-KILLER.
Learn more about why I hate Holden (added bonus of learning about my high school years in Plano, Texas, and other information you may not care about).
Man, my ex-girlfriend loves Holden, and I can’t figure out why. She’s like, 24 now, and still thinks he’s so mature and intelligent and sexy, and I have no idea why.
Well at least you know you just need to act like a spoiled dropout if you want to win her back.
WOW just what I was searching for. Came here by
searching for gabled