I was into saying ‘I was into that before it was cool’ before it was cool.

If you’re here because you’re in some Honors English class or you think you’re a genius deep middle schooler, I’m probably going to disappoint you. Holden sucks and here’s why.

About Holden Caulfield

• keeps getting kicked out of school
• rich-ass parents
• white
• like not just in skin tone, but in general hipsterness
• like he probably graduated from NYU and moved to Brooklyn afterwards
• and opened an antique bicycle repair store.

His problem?

• kicked out of school
• general vagabond-ry
• hates all institutions
• obsessed with this chick he made out with like, once
• can’t hold a train of thought
• he’s probably in a mental hospital?
• a mental hospital he can afford because his parents pay for everything.

I roll my own cigs and this jacket is vintage and so is my underwear and I only paid three bucks and when my dad dies I’m going to take the money I get from my trust fund and go to Alaska and write a travel blog about it.

Sexxi Points

• when I was 12, I probably would have said how deep and rebellious he was
• but now I am wiser and I realize he’s a whining white boy who has had everything paid for him
• which is particularly annoying because Sallie Mae now owns my first-born son
• so it’s hard to feel sympathy for this jackass
• but I digress.

Boner-Killers

• no future
• whining whining whining
• misplaces fencing equipment on the NYC subway
• like really, how do you do that?
• Can’t fuck a prostitute
• Can’t fight a pimp
• Can’t fight.
• lies.
• this character spawned the hipster revolution, I’m sure. Do nothing, pay for nothing, complain about it.
• He probably cries after sex. Unconfirmed, but all signs point to Yes.

The Verdict?

I think this has been scathingly clear. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Learn more about why I hate Holden (added bonus of learning about my high school years in Plano, Texas, and other information you may not care about).