Sancho Panza from “Don Quixote de la Mancha” by Miguel de Cervantes

Please do NOT attack the windmills.

Homer Simpson in Season 4, New Kids on the Block can tell you all you really need to know about Don Quixote:

Homer: This is my quest. I’m like that guy. That Spanish guy.
You know, he fought the windmill…
Marge: Don Quixote?
Homer: No, that’s not it. What’s-his-name, the Man of La Mancha.
Marge: Don Quixote.
Homer: No!
Marge: I really think that was the character’s name. Don Quixote.
Homer: Fine! I’ll look it up! [heads off and consults a reference]
Marge: [annoyed] Well, who was it?
Homer: [quietly fuming] Never mind.

I’m much more interested in his servant, Sancho Panza.

About Sancho

  • His boss is an idiot
  • but he gets a paycheck
  • and potentially an island, but that will probably never happen
  • like when someone promises you you’ll get a share of a company someday
  • if it’s ever publicly traded
  • like that, only the 1605 equivalent.
  • and Sancho doesn’t have much better to do
  • so he goes along with it

His problem?

  • Has to follow his idiot boss around
  • while riding a little donkey
  • as Don Quixote runs around and tries to prove his little boy jerkoff dreams of heroism

Sexxi Points

  • You can hear how annoyed he is when he’s talking to Don Quixote
  • it’s like that Dilbert, “I’m mocking you and you are too stupid to get it” style
  • He writes home to his wife
  • and is faithful to her while he follows his boss around and makes sure he doesn’t die.
  • He’s the practical one asking all the real questions, like “what are you doing?”
  • and “when am I getting paid?”
  • and “what are you doing?”
  • in the end, he’s just a working dude who can’t get a break

Boner-Killers

  • His last name indicates that he has a belly
  • so his body is likely not great.
  • Kind of passive, I was craving that moment when he just gets tired of it all
  • and quits and destroys everything
  • Office Space style

The Verdict?

He’s funny and practical, but these two things never gave me an orgasm. Get a little more ambition and yell at your boss for attacking windmills, and then we’re in business. Rating: POTENTIALLY SEXXI.

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Prospero from ‘The Tempest’ by William Shakespeare.

I’m not really a Shakespeare fan. In fact, I spelled his name wrong a lot while creating this post. But they are classics, and I guess we should read classics.

So here we go…

About Prospero

  • He was a duke
  • he has a teenage daughter
  • He’s stranded on an island
  • and he’s trying to set up his daughter with the son of the dude who stranded him on the island
  • but first he’s going to taunt them all by causing a really bad storm and scaring the piss out of them
  • by making them think they’re going to die at sea
  • you know, as you do.

His problem?

  • He was betrayed and left on an island
  • with his daughter
  • for twelve years
  • but he’s oddly chill about it
  • like really, really doesn’t seem mad
  • he seems to be able to control a genie-type creature named Ariel
  • who can make it rain and turn invisible
  • and Ariel has a neat ventriloquist act
  • actually, how come I’m not writing about Ariel?

 

Sexxi Points

  • Owns an island
  • even if he’s ‘stuck’ there, he still owns it.
  • Has great social status
  • Looks like Jakob Dylan
  • I made up that part
  • He sets his daughter up with a prince
  • and tells him it will rain hell if he tries anything before the wedding night
  • Doesn’t hold a grudge
  • In the end, just wants everyone to get along
  • and to have his duke-hoodness back

Boner-Killers

  • Owns slaves
  • Basically constantly tells his slaves to quit their bitching
  • I really really don’t like enslavement of the native people of the island
  • that he conquered
  • Likes to scare people into thinking that they’re going to die
  • or that their loves ones are dead
  • almost like a cat playing with a mouse
  • and that’s kind of sadistic
  • but maybe that can translate into bondage situations?

The Verdict?

He has magical powers, he knows lots of royalty, and he doesn’t actually kill anyone, unlike many of Shakespeare’s characters.  And he looks like Jakob Dylan. Rating: bien sexxi.