Ian Malcolm from “Jurassic Park” by Michael Crichton

As a kid, Jurassic Park was more than just my favorite movie — I think at one point it was my legal guardian. The paperwork is fuzzy.

Ian Malcolm’s character in the movie is pretty true to his character in the book. They made some people a lot worse in the film. But let’s take a look, shall we?

About Ian Malcolm

  • famous chaos theory mathematician
  • like, a rock star of math.
  • I’m already sold
  • is brought to Jurassic Park to endorse/not endorse the park
  • wears all black
  • because he can’t be bothered with clothes
  • has multiple kids with multiple women
  • is always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm.

His problem?

  • He’s trapped on raptor fucking island.

Sexxi Points

  • ability to predict everything that is going to happen
  • and be snarky and sarcastic
  • even in the face of death
  • …although if I was really being eaten by a t-rex and some dude was like ‘I TOLD YOU SO’
  • I would probably kill him
  • but it works well here.

Boner-Killers

  • the multiple kids, multiple wives thing is a bummer
  • but he’s rich, right?
  • so he probably hasn’t completely abandoned them?
  • Hopefully?
  • In both books, Malcolm’s MO is pretty much
  • ‘get hurt, take morphine, ramble about chaos theory.’
  • he’s way, way more heroic in the movies.
  • Just sayin’.

The Verdict?

I’m definitely in line to be the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm. I’m number 8930. Take a ticket and get behind me. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

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