Joseph from “Breath, Eyes, Memory” by Edwidge Danticat

In my fantasy dream world, this Joseph would play that Joseph.

There’s only one male character in this book who isn’t a rapist, so I thought I’d focus on him. Dudes are pretty much on the back-burner in this whole novel. It’s a really beautiful, poetic story about a woman coming into her own. Naturally, I’m going to dissect it.

About Joseph

  • American
  • white
  • goes from “hi” to “let’s get married” pretty damn fast
  • in a band, travels a lot
  • not a rapist
  • Not being a rapist is a really important quality in a man.

His problem?

  • he’s married to a girl who has a lot of sex issues
  • and identity issues
  • because her mom used to stick her fingers in her no-no places
  • to make sure she still had a hymen
  • so she sodomized herself with a cooking utensil
  • and ran away from home
  • to be with Joseph
  • but then she ran away from Joseph to Haiti
  • so that she wouldn’t need to deal with her sex issues?
  • I mean, that’s basically his problem.
  • Oh yeah, and he doesn’t have a real job.

A lot of these folks would have benefited from some self-love and sex ed.

Sexxi Points

  • very understanding
  • and caring
  • and a musician
  • not racist
  • not a rapist
  • these things are very important
  • very
  • very
  • important

Boner-Killers

  • travels a lot because he’s a musician
  • got his girl pregnant the first time they had sex
  • like, she didn’t even have a chance to get over all her sex issues
  • it was like, boom, pregnant
  • and I kind of hate him for that
  • like really, you couldn’t pull out or use a condom for at least a little bit?
  • or maybe just do oral for the first couple of months?
  • Just like, “oh, your mom tortured you and you ran away from home to be with me, let me just
  • put a baby in you ASAP.”
  • Ew, Joseph. Ew.

The Verdict?

Your penis must have some kind of crazy GPS navigation to the unfertilized eggs. I’m not interested in that. I also don’t want to run away from home and then completely depend on you and have you impregnate me. Everything about this sounds awful. You still get points for not being a rapist or a racist, so I’ll come listen to your band at Rockwood or something. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Advertisements

Elijah from “Wintergirls” by Laurie Halse Anderson

Something like this seems to be Lia’s end goal. What really happens is that she ends up in a motel with Elijah.

Wintergirls is thoroughly depressing. I would not recommend reading this book if you’ve ever had an eating disorder, ever thought about dieting, are on a diet, are overweight, underweight, or a normal weight, or are ever concerned mildly about your caloric intake.

It’s pretty intense.

At 95 pounds, anorexic Lia doesn’t have much to show off. But there is one boy who seems kinda involved and kinda all right.

About Elijah

  • janitor at a cheap motel
  • where Lia’s best friend puked herself to death
  • like, she ruptured her esophagus
  • he doesn’t have parental units
  • acne.
  • concerned about Lia’s well-being
  • but still, acne. ACNE.

His problem?

  • He’s friends with a suicidal anorexic girl who is haunted by the ghost of her dead bulimic friend.
  • He lives in the motel where he works
  • and worst of all
  • HE HAS ACNE.

Run, Lia.

Sexxi Points

  • shares food with Lia even though he’s broke
  • and she’s clearly not interested in eating
  • but she does it anyway
  • because she can tell he cares or something.
  • is basically Lia’s only good friend
  • like, the only positive influence
  • since her other best friend just encouraged the disordered eating
  • he also calls her out on some of her bullshit
  • like, the whole being inconsiderate and spoiled stuff
  • he didn’t rape Lia’s unconscious, dying body
  • no seriously, he gets points for that.

Boner-Killers

  • In the end, he leaves Lia for dead
  • in a cheap hotel room
  • and takes all of her money
  • as there’s a blizzard outside
  • and possibly no way for her to get out

 

The Verdict?

Lia, you’re thin enough and young enough to be someone’s trophy wife. This is probably the worst advice I will ever give to a fictional teenager, but please start going after rich, old perverts.

Elijah, use the money you stole from Lia to get some Proactiv and then hit me up. Oh, and I guess leaving Lia for dead was a pretty rotten move. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Jesus Christ from “I Know I Am, but What Are You?” by Samantha Bee

Jesus. Literally. Jesus.

But not Jesus from the Bible. If you need to know anything about THAT Jesus, here is all you really need to know: His first miracle was turning water to wine at a party.

Yeah, you know you wanna party with Jesus, you know, before he got all emo.

But I won’t be evaluating that particular Jesus. This is Jesus from the perception of horny pre-teen Samantha Bee. Let’s go.

About Jesus

  • secretly in love with nine-year old Samantha Bee
  • Eats Tang from the package
  • middle name is “H”
  • kind of like how Homer Simpson’s middle name is “J”
  • looks like Kris Kristofferson from A Star is Born
  • except Sam acknowledges that he might be “part black

Wow, they both look pretty good. Damn, Black Jesus.

Sexxi Points

  • Since this is all Samantha Bee’s delusional horny confused pre-adolescent mind
  • there are lots of good points
  • for example
  • Jesus has a great ass
  • looks great in cowboy boots and jeans
  • and I bet he’s packin’ in those tight jeans
  • that last part was me, not Samantha
  • Well-groomed chest hair
  • Likes having his feet rubbed with exotic oils
  • I guess you have to humor Jesus’s desires a little bit, right?
  • Willing to defend a bitch’s honor

Boner-Killers

  • long-distance relationship
  • like, really long distance
  • like, he never shows up
  • except in the form of a kind of creepy priest???

Sam, I’m glad you outgrew your weird crush on Jesus and started dating people who were physically real. Although the guy who called you “slut tits” was probably not a winner, either. Luckily, it looks like the dude you finally married is pretty chill.

Jesus, you might seem pretty cool from afar, but your absence is a huge turn-off. And don’t give me that spiritual “I’m everywhere” crap. I require an actual, physical body. RATING: BONER-KILLER.

John Unger from “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sure she’s pretty until you’re dying in your sleep lolol.

Everyone knows The Great Gatsby but, believe it or not, my boy Fitz here wrote other things. Besides, I’m not in the business of making Honors English easy for anyone. “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” is a short story about money and love and youth and stuff. So let’s go:

About John Unger

  • middle class
  • likes money
  • a lot
  • from a kind of tacky backwards town
  • that no one has heard of
  • he’s bored by rich people
  • but he’s obsessed with the
  • bling
  • swag
  • you get the idea
  • he’s basically the 2os version of a suburban kid
  • who wears HASHTAG SWAG shirts

His problem?

  • He went to a rich friend’s house for summer vacation
  • and his friend has a hot sister
  • and his friend is SUPER RICH
  • although he has slaves still
  • because his family told them that the South won the Civil War
  • and John isn’t cool with that
  • but John is pretty cool with banging the hot sister
  • but oh yeah since John knows the family secret
  • he can’t leave
  • and he must die
  • and everyone knows it except for him
  • even the girl he’s sleeping with knows
  • but she says she’s REALLY sorry
  • so yeah he’s stuck in diamond mountain.

Ain’t you ever heard of mo money mo problems?

Sexxi Points

  • He’s filled with a sense of
  • I don’t know
  • innocence?
  • child-like wonder?
  • He’s ambitious
  • and he’s bored by rich people
  • and he is smart enough to know that being poor isn’t cool
  • but he’s surrounded by really rich people
  • who seem to think being poor is cool
  • and he’s really confused by that
  • and I can totally relate to this
  • because that’s exactly how I felt when I was in NYU
  • so, I can relate

Boner-Killers

  • the girl he likes is really dumb
  • REALLY DUMB
  • she must just be hot because she’s really
  • fucking
  • dumb
  • and that’s a huge turn-off because
  • I couldn’t date this guy
  • without questioning my own intelligence
  • She’s just so dumb.
  • I can’t forgive him for liking someone so dumb
  • Can I at least have some reasonable competition?

The Verdict?

At the end, he saved the hot girl and her fugly sister (despite the intense betrayal), and he agrees to marry her and they leave diamond mountain to live a life of poverty. Not the most glam ending, but at the end John seems to snap out of it, and he doesn’t push the bitch off a cliff (which is what I would have done).

But John is a terrible judge of character. Don’t go with weirdos to diamond mountain. You should have gotten out of there when you realized they still had slaves. Actually, that applies to everyone reading this. You should leave if you realize your host has slaves.

Also, lawd, that girl you’re with ain’t shit, and this is all I have to say about that. Or this. Or maybe this. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

 

Chinaski from “Post Office” by Charles Bukowski

I know it’s been a while, and I’m sorry. It’s finals season, and I’ve only been pretending to read most of what is being assigned to me. After drinking some rum and diet cokes, I almost thought that writing about my hot professor was appropriate.

But it’s probably not, because he could read this or something.

Okay, now that I’m totally not making sense, let’s talk about “Post Office” by the guy who made it cool for writers to be fall down drunks. Well, one of them. Here we go:

About Chinaski

  • works seasonally for the post office
  • just at Christmastime, you know
  • for some cash
  • for twenty years.

His problem?

  • alcohol
  • women
  • money

This is like, how I imagine Chinaski at the start versus the end. DRUGS ARE BAD, KIDS.

Sexxi Points

  • he’s a good writer
  • knows how to bullshit the government
  • uses orgy scenes to help him remember his route
  • like, the street names and stuff
  • as in, if it’s at 33 Nancy Street, 33 men are doing Nancy
  • you know, and other good thoughts like that
  • Generally loyal
  • Stays at one ex-lover’s deathbed
  • which is cool
  • Sends money to his kids

Boner-Killers

  • clearly has a drinking problem
  • and a gambling problem
  • and since the book follows him for a while
  • you can really feel the weight gain and general loss of youth
  • due to all the ya know
  • shitty way he lives his life
  • but he gets laid a lot?
  • He was probably hot at the beginning of the book? Maybe?
  • Unclear.
  • Hooks up with a much younger girl for being rich
  • which is probably his biggest moral lapse in the book
  • It was pretty gross, I could imagine his hairy gut
  • while they were
  • okay, enough of that.
  • He also loses his erections a lot due to drinking too much
  • Ew.

The Verdict?

Moments of sweetness and potential genius? Probably would have been all over this a few years ago…but drinking and gambling problems aren’t cool, kids, and they don’t make someone deep or sensitive. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Tucker Max from “Assholes Finish First” by, well, Tucker Max

He looks pretty good, right? It’s all downhill from here.

When you write about yourself, or somehow try to portray yourself, you’re mainly trying to portray how you want others to see you. Autobiographies are a form of vanity. Other examples include Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and basically everything I do.

Tucker Max wants people to know how he fucks lots of stupid women. So I’m going to analyze the sexiness of this character. The character that he wants to be. In the book.

About Tucker Max

  • he went to college
  • he’s a pickup artist, basically
  • he gets famous for having sex with lots of women
  • and since he’s famous for having sex with lots of women
  • lots of women want to have sex with him
  • this book basically makes women look bad.

His problem?

  • attracts the bottom of the barrel
  • like, failed strippers
  • with tattoos of maggots on their vaginas
  • and women who will suck dick
  • WHILE the guy is taking a shit
  • apparently that activity has a proper name
  • but it shouldn’t, because WTF?

Nice guys like this one will read Tucker Max’s book and fall victim to the idea that nice guys finish last and then take up negging and that is a fate more tragic than, like, starvation.

Sexxi Points

  • he actually seems to have a conscience
  • like, he knows raping children is bad
  • and he’s willing to take them to the bus stop and buy them froyo.
  • and he doesn’t see virgins as appealing
  • which is nice because he doesn’t have a double standard when it comes to sex
  • and he does want to have a real relationship someday
  • with like, an emotionally stable woman who won’t just sleep with him for the chance to do his laundry
  • yes, he has women who are willing to come over to do his laundry
  • and then have sex with him
  • like he’s doing them this huge favor
  • he has money
  • maybe?
  • he had midget sex
  • and I’m short, so that’s a plus for me
  • he does seem moderately intelligent
  • but emotionally manipulative.

Boner-Killers

  • obnoxious
  • he’s already killed all chances of this miracle girl loving him
  • because she just has to read this book
  • or look at the cover
  • and then she will run away
  • he’s willing to publish his sexual history with you
  • he probably has radiation dick from x-ray sex
  • yes, x-ray sex.
  • he engages in negging to pick up girls
  • negging is, like, backhanded compliments to make women feel insecure
  • and he like, openly plays games with women’s emotions
  • even though he can spot that they’re needy
  • and then he’s like “what, if they want to fuck me that’s their problem”

The Verdict?

I’m sure Karma will make sure that this guy will have all slutty daughters. This is a hilarious read, but if you let this guy’s dick anywhere near you, you will probably have all of the STDs. Like, all of them. Rating: hilarious, but a BONER-KILLER.

Also, if you use negging to pick up girls, you should probably have your dick removed. You don’t deserve something so beautiful.

Holden Caulfield from “The Catcher in the Rye” by J.D. Salinger

I was into saying ‘I was into that before it was cool’ before it was cool.

If you’re here because you’re in some Honors English class or you think you’re a genius deep middle schooler, I’m probably going to disappoint you. Holden sucks and here’s why.

About Holden Caulfield

  • keeps getting kicked out of school
  • rich-ass parents
  • white
  • like not just in skin tone, but in general hipsterness
  • like he probably graduated from NYU and moved to Brooklyn afterwards
  • and opened an antique bicycle repair store.

His problem?

  • kicked out of school
  • general vagabond-ry
  • hates all institutions
  • obsessed with this chick he made out with like, once
  • can’t hold a train of thought
  • he’s probably in a mental hospital?
  • a mental hospital he can afford because his parents pay for everything.

I roll my own cigs and this jacket is vintage and so is my underwear and I only paid three bucks and when my dad dies I’m going to take the money I get from my trust fund and go to Alaska and write a travel blog about it.

Sexxi Points

  • when I was 12, I probably would have said how deep and rebellious he was
  • but now I am wiser and I realize he’s a whining white boy who has had everything paid for him
  • which is particularly annoying because Sallie Mae now owns my first-born son
  • so it’s hard to feel sympathy for this jackass
  • but I digress.

Boner-Killers

  • no future
  • whining whining whining
  • misplaces fencing equipment on the NYC subway
  • like really, how do you do that?
  • Can’t fuck a prostitute
  • Can’t fight a pimp
  • Can’t fight.
  • lies.
  • this character spawned the hipster revolution, I’m sure. Do nothing, pay for nothing, complain about it.
  • He probably cries after sex. Unconfirmed, but all signs point to Yes.

The Verdict?

I think this has been scathingly clear. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Learn more about why I hate Holden (added bonus of learning about my high school years in Plano, Texas, and other information you may not care about).

Holmes from “Devil in the White City” by Erik Larson

 

Try not to uhm, die.

About Holmes (if that is your real name…Bart Simpson!)

  • Pretends to be a pharmacist
  • (and he has really blue eyes)
  • so he can get people to trust him
  • (did I mention his eyes were blue?)
  • and then he kills them and sells their bodies to science
  • (like, totally calm lake blue)
  • likes to lure women into his hotel for the Chicago World’s Fair of 1893
  • (seriously if the author mentions his blue eyes one more time I might chloroform myself)

His problem?

  • he really likes killing people
  • that’s pretty much his biggest problem
  • he also has a lot of debt and has like fifty names
  • but the killing thing is pretty big

Sexxi Points

  • the blue eyes, except when I got sick of hearing about them
  • confident, a little grabby on the first date, but in a sexy way
  • knows a lot about the law, particularly stuff about life insurance
  • motivated (but uhm pretty much just to kill people)
  • he believes in long bike rides, romantic evenings out, and letter-writing

Boner-Killers

  • he killed his boyhood friend
  • he killed his cats
  • people around him tend to fall off rooftops
  • after taking out life insurance policies
  • and naming him benefactor
  • you only leave his hotel if you’re in a box
  • and the basement is a little hot
  • ugh, and he only likes blondes

The Verdict?

He killed his cats. The End. Rating: BONER-KILLER

This book also inspires me to learn more about George Ferris, the dude who made the Ferris Wheel. What, you know he’s gotta be romantic.