Prospero from ‘The Tempest’ by William Shakespeare.

I’m not really a Shakespeare fan. In fact, I spelled his name wrong a lot while creating this post. But they are classics, and I guess we should read classics.

So here we go…

About Prospero

  • He was a duke
  • he has a teenage daughter
  • He’s stranded on an island
  • and he’s trying to set up his daughter with the son of the dude who stranded him on the island
  • but first he’s going to taunt them all by causing a really bad storm and scaring the piss out of them
  • by making them think they’re going to die at sea
  • you know, as you do.

His problem?

  • He was betrayed and left on an island
  • with his daughter
  • for twelve years
  • but he’s oddly chill about it
  • like really, really doesn’t seem mad
  • he seems to be able to control a genie-type creature named Ariel
  • who can make it rain and turn invisible
  • and Ariel has a neat ventriloquist act
  • actually, how come I’m not writing about Ariel?

 

Sexxi Points

  • Owns an island
  • even if he’s ‘stuck’ there, he still owns it.
  • Has great social status
  • Looks like Jakob Dylan
  • I made up that part
  • He sets his daughter up with a prince
  • and tells him it will rain hell if he tries anything before the wedding night
  • Doesn’t hold a grudge
  • In the end, just wants everyone to get along
  • and to have his duke-hoodness back

Boner-Killers

  • Owns slaves
  • Basically constantly tells his slaves to quit their bitching
  • I really really don’t like enslavement of the native people of the island
  • that he conquered
  • Likes to scare people into thinking that they’re going to die
  • or that their loves ones are dead
  • almost like a cat playing with a mouse
  • and that’s kind of sadistic
  • but maybe that can translate into bondage situations?

The Verdict?

He has magical powers, he knows lots of royalty, and he doesn’t actually kill anyone, unlike many of Shakespeare’s characters.¬† And he looks like Jakob Dylan. Rating: bien sexxi.

 

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Piscine “Pi” from “Life of Pi” by Yann Martel

Meditating with a tiger NBD SMH LOL.

I’m sure you all know the basics of Life of Pi, even if you’ve just seen the cover of the book. Big blue ocean. One boat. A boy and a tiger. It’s not a complicated plot, but, like anything in this world, there’s still just enough room for a pervert like me to have an opinion.

About Pi Patel

  • sixteen years old
  • son of a zookeeper
  • well-off, but manages not to be a dick about it
  • spiritual, deep, but not spoiled, like an artist with a trust fund he can’t touch until he’s 35

His problem?

  • Stranded at sea on a shitty lifeboat
  • without too much know-how
  • or supplies
  • and his family is dead
  • OH AND DID I MENTION THERE’S A TIGER WITH HIM.

 

Sexxi Points

  • HE PUTS THE TIGER’S NEEDS FIRST.
  • Like food and water and stuff. He doesn’t have sexual relations with the tiger.
  • But I’m sure that tendency translates into other areas.
  • Realizes that he needs the tiger too
  • and they develop this beautiful relationship where the tiger’s senses alert Pi to danger
  • like on that island that eats you in your sleep
  • and turns your teeth into flowers
  • and they eventually trust each other to live in the same boat
  • it’s just such a beautiful relationship
  • Circus trainers who beat tigers into doing tricks just don’t get it
  • THEY JUST DON’T WANT TO PUT IN THE EFFORT
  • oh yeah and he’s pretty deep and spiritual and wise and stuff like that
  • and he has survival skills
  • and clearly relationship skills
  • more impressively, he retains his relationship skills in a survival situation

Boner-Killers

  • he has like three religions
  • and I have none
  • so raising our kids would be really difficult
  • and it would have to be that serious, because this guy definitely doesn’t hook up.
  • he possibly hallucinated the whole tiger thing
  • so yeah he uhm might be prone to some PTSD or shell shock or severe emotional fuckeduppery.

The Verdict?

At the end, he did have a wife and children, so I’ll take that as proof that he doesn’t hallucinate and murder people in his sleep. With machetes.¬†Rating: bien sexxi.

Also, I think I should tell all of you that I’m married to Pi now. Not literally, but spiritually. Like how nuns marry Jesus. Just letting you know.

Erotic Poetry: A Valentine’s Day Boner

50 Shades of YAWN.

I was going to write about Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey for Valentine’s Day. I really tried, but it was terrible. It was too awful to read, to buy, to download illegally. If you’re offended by this statement, good. Please leave my blog. and buy a vibrator.

I didn’t believe at all that this perfect rich man would spend any time with this whining college chick who is supposed to be American but uses British slang. It sounded like something one of my single girlfriends would write.

It would be a whole lot more believable if this successful, hot entrepreneur spent 20 hours a day working and then did some cocaine and visited a dungeon party.

THEN WE WOULD HAVE A STORY, PEOPLE.

So instead I’m going to rate the sexxiness of an erotic poem by ee cummings. It’s called “may i feel said he.”

Note: I’m rating the sexxiness of the dude in the poem, not necessarily ee cummings.

About the Muchacho

  • Well, he’s a guy
  • who is married
  • and is trying to get laid
  • and apparently succeeds
  • but possibly ejaculates prematurely?

His problem?

  • he’s trying to get laid
  • she’s trying to fall in love

Sexxi Points

  • seems like he’s being polite and asking
  • but he’s really being a lot more assertive
  • without being intimidating
  • which is a hard balance to reach.
  • did I mention he’s married?
  • Is that a plus?
  • Maybe for a fantasy.
  • The sex is a bit painful
  • in a good way

Boner-Killers

  • well, he’s married.
  • Possible premature ejaculation?
  • You have to ask him to kiss you
  • which doesn’t really imply tenderness
  • (Hmm, but that could be sexxi?)
  • Isn’t poetry complicated?
  • He seemed to fall off his game by the end.
  • The start was slow, too
  • there was only one point where the sex seemed enjoyable for her, actually

The Verdict?

Since the muchacha basically wins in the end and has him wrapped around her finger, I thoroughly approve of this fantasy. Oh, and he’s married, which is also good for a fantasy. But only a fantasy. This is, after all, a horny blog on people who aren’t real/are dead. Rating: BIEN SEXXI

Please be good to your brains this Valentine’s Day. Or don’t, and read some erotic literature.

Niki Jumpei from “The Woman in the Dunes” by Kobo Abe

This classic centers around shoveling sand forever and it’s basically about the futility of life. It’s one of my favorite books. It’s also a little bit Stockholm syndrome-ish.

About Niki

  • likes to collect bugs
  • which might indicate an Oedipal complex
  • painfully logical
  • knows a lot about beetles
  • and sand
  • innocent and trusting
  • which is why it was so easy to trap him into shoveling sand forever

His problem?

  • these dudes convinced him to come to their town
  • to take a break from collecting bugs
  • but then they trapped him in a giant sand castle town
  • and gave him to this lonely woman
  • who is really good at keeping house
  • and then he develops Stockholm syndrome
  • and fucks her.
  • and he has to shovel sand to keep from drowning in the sand castle town
  • and continue fucking the woman who trapped him there

Sexxi Points

  • happy with the simple life
  • loyal to whoever he’s with
  • very strategic, but only when it comes to sand and bugs
  • otherwise he wouldn’t have been so easily tricked
  • only has eyes for his woman
  • but that might be because she’s uhm, the only woman
  • refuses to hit her even when it’s obvious she tricked him
  • hard-working

Boner-Killers

  • loses focus once he’s fat and happy
  • hard-working, yes, but not very ambitious
  • I mean, he goes from collecting bugs to shoveling sand
  • so I doubt he’d ever be able to fully support me as I write books and horny blogs
  • for the rest of my life
  • seems kind of passive about switching wives
  • and getting his new wife imposed on him
  • he will kind of sleep with any girl who cooks and sleeps in the nude
  • but it’s nice knowing I could have sand in my vagina and he’d still hit that
  • on second thought, that sounds painful.
  • it hurts when he pee pees
  • and some strange stuff comes out of his pee pee
  • he doesn’t understand that you can’t shovel up.

The Verdict?

It’s nothing personal, Niki, because you’ve got a lot of good points, but I just don’t want to have to imprison a man to get him to love me. Word of advice, you should stop nailing chicks with only girl in the world syndrome. But…you can’t read my advice because…she’s…not…letting…you. Oh well. I tried. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Paul Redeker from “World War Z” by Max Brooks

It’s like a mockumentary or something. At least, I think it’s fiction.

About Paul

  • official in South Africa
  • notoriously emotionless
  • but a genius
  • created a plan to save humanity when the zombies took over
  • but it kind of involved using refugees as human bait
  • so that the smart, athletic people could survive
  • went crazy after a hug

His problem?

  • he’s in a mental hospital
  • because his psyche rejected a hug
  • he refers to himself in the third person
  • which is always unattractive.

Sexxi Points

  • saved the world
  • absolute genius
  • hides his emotions deep deep down
  • Nelson Mandela approved of his plan
  • even if it did involve using human shields

Boner-Killers

  • currently lives in a mental institution
  • obviously has strong opinions regarding which people deserve to live
  • so there’s kind of a class issue there
  • since he doesn’t think everyone is created equal
  • he isn’t very affectionate
  • or loving

The Verdict?

A hug drove him crazy. That means, deep down, he wants to be loved. I CAN CHANGE HIM MOMMY WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE I CAN CHANGE HIM. Rating: FEMALE BONER.

Monk from “Erasure” by Percival Everett

About Thelonius ‘Monk’ from Erasure

  • moderately successful novelist
  • criticized for not being ‘black’ enough
  • smart enough to know race is a social construct
  • and that he’s actually a shade of brown, not black

His problem?

  • mom has Alzheimer’s
  • gay brother is getting divorced/losing his family/losing his moneys
  • abortionist sister doctor murdered by religious people
  • he writes a parody of a ‘black’ novel and it ends up becoming a best-seller, and he has to pretend to be two people
  • and it’s really annoying because he won’t stop whining about it
  • but he uses the money to help out his family and stuff, so that’s cool I guess

This sells, Monk. Deal with it.

Sexxi Points

  • he turns down sex if you’re pathetically desperate
  • or if you have bad taste in literature
  • no really, he will leave you crying half-naked even with a raging boner
  • he’s willing to stick up for gay dudes being hassled at a bar
  • even though they end up not needing his help
  • oh, and he loves his mom, which is good

Boner-Killers

  • he’s basically Holden Caulfield, but ten years older and a sell-out
  • he is incapable of shutting the fuck up about how he was his father’s favorite child
  • and just fuck someone.

The Verdict?

Whining aside, Monk is still sexxi as hell. His ability to turn down sex had me slipping over my own vaginal juices. Rating: bien sexxi.