Deuce Garland from “Unmentionables” by Laurie Loewenstein.

Don’t worry. It’s not really about underwear.

“Unmentionables” is a book about a forward-thinking feminist named Marian trapped in a more conservative town. Like, back in the day. Like, back during WWI or something.

Anyway, this guy named Deuce helps her out and defends her. Let’s see how he measures up to 2014 standards.

About Deuce

  • runs a newspaper for his father-in-law
  • is kinda pussy-whipped by him
  • his wife is dead
  • his daughter wants to move to Chicago
  • he wants to do other stuff, too
  • but again, pussy-whipped by the father-in-law

His problem?

  • he has to take care of this heathen woman from up East, then he falls in love with her.

Women like Marian aren’t just make-believe. Go Wendy go!

Sexxi Points

  • forward-thinking
  • like, he thinks women should be able to do things
  • like have jobs
  • and travel
  • he’s part black
  • which I like because I’m mixed
  • but in that time period, it makes him like
  • a pariah
  • but 2014 is all about mixed-race babies
  • so chic!
  • anyway
  • he also is against children dying from contaminated milk
  • hey, in 1917, you gotta take a stand against stuff like that
  • stands up for a black kid who was killed by racist assholes
  • and testifies against the racist assholes
  • is willing to have premarital sex
  • that counts twice considering the time period.

Boner-Killers

  • kind of a pushover
  • like, first he does what the father-in-law says
  • then he just does what Marian says
  • then he just does what his daughter says
  • HAVE YOUR OWN OPINIONS SOMETIMES
  • FOR A GUY WHO RUNS A NEWSPAPER YOU REALLY HAVE NO SPINE

The Verdict?

His work defending women and minorities in a backwards-ass town wins him lots and lots of points.

BTW, even in 2014, women need defending. GO WENDY GO!

Anyway, I think you know my verdict already. A mixed-race gentleman who owns a newspaper? WIN. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

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Joseph from “Breath, Eyes, Memory” by Edwidge Danticat

In my fantasy dream world, this Joseph would play that Joseph.

There’s only one male character in this book who isn’t a rapist, so I thought I’d focus on him. Dudes are pretty much on the back-burner in this whole novel. It’s a really beautiful, poetic story about a woman coming into her own. Naturally, I’m going to dissect it.

About Joseph

  • American
  • white
  • goes from “hi” to “let’s get married” pretty damn fast
  • in a band, travels a lot
  • not a rapist
  • Not being a rapist is a really important quality in a man.

His problem?

  • he’s married to a girl who has a lot of sex issues
  • and identity issues
  • because her mom used to stick her fingers in her no-no places
  • to make sure she still had a hymen
  • so she sodomized herself with a cooking utensil
  • and ran away from home
  • to be with Joseph
  • but then she ran away from Joseph to Haiti
  • so that she wouldn’t need to deal with her sex issues?
  • I mean, that’s basically his problem.
  • Oh yeah, and he doesn’t have a real job.

A lot of these folks would have benefited from some self-love and sex ed.

Sexxi Points

  • very understanding
  • and caring
  • and a musician
  • not racist
  • not a rapist
  • these things are very important
  • very
  • very
  • important

Boner-Killers

  • travels a lot because he’s a musician
  • got his girl pregnant the first time they had sex
  • like, she didn’t even have a chance to get over all her sex issues
  • it was like, boom, pregnant
  • and I kind of hate him for that
  • like really, you couldn’t pull out or use a condom for at least a little bit?
  • or maybe just do oral for the first couple of months?
  • Just like, “oh, your mom tortured you and you ran away from home to be with me, let me just
  • put a baby in you ASAP.”
  • Ew, Joseph. Ew.

The Verdict?

Your penis must have some kind of crazy GPS navigation to the unfertilized eggs. I’m not interested in that. I also don’t want to run away from home and then completely depend on you and have you impregnate me. Everything about this sounds awful. You still get points for not being a rapist or a racist, so I’ll come listen to your band at Rockwood or something. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Jess Galvan from “The Dead Run” by Adam Mansbach

Are you turned on yet?

So hi. I’ve been in school reading shit like The Canterbury Tales, which I have no interest in writing about, and I took a break from being overly critical of fictional characters. Sorry for the hiatus. Since I also carry hearts in a box for Aztec gods (part time), I was immediately drawn to Jess Galvan of “The Dead Run.” Let’s see how he measures up to the ruler:

About Jess Galvan

  • wrongfully jailed in Mexico
  • for defending a hooker
  • who was being gang-raped
  • he’s pure of heart
  • or something
  • until he kills someone in cold blood
  • He has to bring a still-beating human heart through the desert
  • to some ceremony
  • to appease an Aztec god
  • and bring about the end of days
  • but he’s actually part Aztec god himself.
  • Can someone be this flawless?
  • Oh, he married a religious nutjob
  • Oh well. Spoke too soon.

His problem?

  • In addition to the whole still-beating heart, end of days, Aztec god thing, his daughter has also been kidnapped by a cult who wants to rape her/eat her heart/use her as a channel to the Aztec god world/something equally horrifying for a father.

How about now?

Sexxi Points

  • there’s the whole “always defending women” thing
  • regardless of whether they’re virgins or prostitutes
  • which is nice.
  • And he loves his daughter.
  • Did I mention he’s part god?
  • like a very small part, though
  • like when I say I’m part Incan, like
  • 1/162th of a percent or something.

Boner-Killers

  • pawn of evil
  • sometimes possessed by a bloodthirsty god
  • who I think killed his wife while he was deflowering her or something
  • so yeah there’s a lot of weird virgin/whore stuff in this book
  • he was in jail
  • so he was unable to be with his wife and kid
  • so that kind of sucks
  • I like when the dudes I’m dating aren’t in prison
  • but I’m a bitch like that

The Verdict?

Lots of good qualities, but the whole “might be possessed by an Aztec god” thing is a little crazy. Yes, that’s my way of saying that I would totally go for it. BIEN SEXXI.

Monk from “Erasure” by Percival Everett

About Thelonius ‘Monk’ from Erasure

  • moderately successful novelist
  • criticized for not being ‘black’ enough
  • smart enough to know race is a social construct
  • and that he’s actually a shade of brown, not black

His problem?

  • mom has Alzheimer’s
  • gay brother is getting divorced/losing his family/losing his moneys
  • abortionist sister doctor murdered by religious people
  • he writes a parody of a ‘black’ novel and it ends up becoming a best-seller, and he has to pretend to be two people
  • and it’s really annoying because he won’t stop whining about it
  • but he uses the money to help out his family and stuff, so that’s cool I guess

This sells, Monk. Deal with it.

Sexxi Points

  • he turns down sex if you’re pathetically desperate
  • or if you have bad taste in literature
  • no really, he will leave you crying half-naked even with a raging boner
  • he’s willing to stick up for gay dudes being hassled at a bar
  • even though they end up not needing his help
  • oh, and he loves his mom, which is good

Boner-Killers

  • he’s basically Holden Caulfield, but ten years older and a sell-out
  • he is incapable of shutting the fuck up about how he was his father’s favorite child
  • and just fuck someone.

The Verdict?

Whining aside, Monk is still sexxi as hell. His ability to turn down sex had me slipping over my own vaginal juices. Rating: bien sexxi.