Deuce Garland from “Unmentionables” by Laurie Loewenstein.

Don’t worry. It’s not really about underwear.

“Unmentionables” is a book about a forward-thinking feminist named Marian trapped in a more conservative town. Like, back in the day. Like, back during WWI or something.

Anyway, this guy named Deuce helps her out and defends her. Let’s see how he measures up to 2014 standards.

About Deuce

  • runs a newspaper for his father-in-law
  • is kinda pussy-whipped by him
  • his wife is dead
  • his daughter wants to move to Chicago
  • he wants to do other stuff, too
  • but again, pussy-whipped by the father-in-law

His problem?

  • he has to take care of this heathen woman from up East, then he falls in love with her.

Women like Marian aren’t just make-believe. Go Wendy go!

Sexxi Points

  • forward-thinking
  • like, he thinks women should be able to do things
  • like have jobs
  • and travel
  • he’s part black
  • which I like because I’m mixed
  • but in that time period, it makes him like
  • a pariah
  • but 2014 is all about mixed-race babies
  • so chic!
  • anyway
  • he also is against children dying from contaminated milk
  • hey, in 1917, you gotta take a stand against stuff like that
  • stands up for a black kid who was killed by racist assholes
  • and testifies against the racist assholes
  • is willing to have premarital sex
  • that counts twice considering the time period.

Boner-Killers

  • kind of a pushover
  • like, first he does what the father-in-law says
  • then he just does what Marian says
  • then he just does what his daughter says
  • HAVE YOUR OWN OPINIONS SOMETIMES
  • FOR A GUY WHO RUNS A NEWSPAPER YOU REALLY HAVE NO SPINE

The Verdict?

His work defending women and minorities in a backwards-ass town wins him lots and lots of points.

BTW, even in 2014, women need defending. GO WENDY GO!

Anyway, I think you know my verdict already. A mixed-race gentleman who owns a newspaper? WIN. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

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John Unger from “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sure she’s pretty until you’re dying in your sleep lolol.

Everyone knows The Great Gatsby but, believe it or not, my boy Fitz here wrote other things. Besides, I’m not in the business of making Honors English easy for anyone. “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” is a short story about money and love and youth and stuff. So let’s go:

About John Unger

  • middle class
  • likes money
  • a lot
  • from a kind of tacky backwards town
  • that no one has heard of
  • he’s bored by rich people
  • but he’s obsessed with the
  • bling
  • swag
  • you get the idea
  • he’s basically the 2os version of a suburban kid
  • who wears HASHTAG SWAG shirts

His problem?

  • He went to a rich friend’s house for summer vacation
  • and his friend has a hot sister
  • and his friend is SUPER RICH
  • although he has slaves still
  • because his family told them that the South won the Civil War
  • and John isn’t cool with that
  • but John is pretty cool with banging the hot sister
  • but oh yeah since John knows the family secret
  • he can’t leave
  • and he must die
  • and everyone knows it except for him
  • even the girl he’s sleeping with knows
  • but she says she’s REALLY sorry
  • so yeah he’s stuck in diamond mountain.

Ain’t you ever heard of mo money mo problems?

Sexxi Points

  • He’s filled with a sense of
  • I don’t know
  • innocence?
  • child-like wonder?
  • He’s ambitious
  • and he’s bored by rich people
  • and he is smart enough to know that being poor isn’t cool
  • but he’s surrounded by really rich people
  • who seem to think being poor is cool
  • and he’s really confused by that
  • and I can totally relate to this
  • because that’s exactly how I felt when I was in NYU
  • so, I can relate

Boner-Killers

  • the girl he likes is really dumb
  • REALLY DUMB
  • she must just be hot because she’s really
  • fucking
  • dumb
  • and that’s a huge turn-off because
  • I couldn’t date this guy
  • without questioning my own intelligence
  • She’s just so dumb.
  • I can’t forgive him for liking someone so dumb
  • Can I at least have some reasonable competition?

The Verdict?

At the end, he saved the hot girl and her fugly sister (despite the intense betrayal), and he agrees to marry her and they leave diamond mountain to live a life of poverty. Not the most glam ending, but at the end John seems to snap out of it, and he doesn’t push the bitch off a cliff (which is what I would have done).

But John is a terrible judge of character. Don’t go with weirdos to diamond mountain. You should have gotten out of there when you realized they still had slaves. Actually, that applies to everyone reading this. You should leave if you realize your host has slaves.

Also, lawd, that girl you’re with ain’t shit, and this is all I have to say about that. Or this. Or maybe this. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

 

Holmes from “Devil in the White City” by Erik Larson

 

Try not to uhm, die.

About Holmes (if that is your real name…Bart Simpson!)

  • Pretends to be a pharmacist
  • (and he has really blue eyes)
  • so he can get people to trust him
  • (did I mention his eyes were blue?)
  • and then he kills them and sells their bodies to science
  • (like, totally calm lake blue)
  • likes to lure women into his hotel for the Chicago World’s Fair of 1893
  • (seriously if the author mentions his blue eyes one more time I might chloroform myself)

His problem?

  • he really likes killing people
  • that’s pretty much his biggest problem
  • he also has a lot of debt and has like fifty names
  • but the killing thing is pretty big

Sexxi Points

  • the blue eyes, except when I got sick of hearing about them
  • confident, a little grabby on the first date, but in a sexy way
  • knows a lot about the law, particularly stuff about life insurance
  • motivated (but uhm pretty much just to kill people)
  • he believes in long bike rides, romantic evenings out, and letter-writing

Boner-Killers

  • he killed his boyhood friend
  • he killed his cats
  • people around him tend to fall off rooftops
  • after taking out life insurance policies
  • and naming him benefactor
  • you only leave his hotel if you’re in a box
  • and the basement is a little hot
  • ugh, and he only likes blondes

The Verdict?

He killed his cats. The End. Rating: BONER-KILLER

This book also inspires me to learn more about George Ferris, the dude who made the Ferris Wheel. What, you know he’s gotta be romantic.