Frankenstein’s MONSTER from “Frankenstein’s Bitch” by K.J. Burkhardt.

Thank God this book costs less than a dollar.

I know I’m fighting a losing battle, but people:

FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR WHO MADE THE MONSTER.

THE MONSTER IS CALLED ‘FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER.’

Oh and on the cover, they actually spelled ‘Frankenstein’ incorrectly. Der.

Obviously, I didn’t spend 99 cents on ‘Frankenstein’s Bitch‘ expecting a new literary classic, and I was right. This author is in dire need of an editor. But anyway, here we go.

About Frankenstein’s Monster

  • 7-inch flaccid penis
  • unknown full size
  • seems confused during sex?
  • composed of dead body parts

His problem?

  • Needs to get laid?

Sexxi Points

  • He just kind of is asleep
  • and then has sex with you
  • he doesn’t talk
  • that’s the best part
  • he’s like a real-life vibrator

Boner-Killers

  • he’s dead
  • doesn’t take you to dinner
  • the female he’s screwing keeps noticing how “sad” he is
  • I dunno, wouldn’t that be a turn off?
  • If the hot dead dude you’re boning is constantly
  • showing his emotional pain?
  • This wasn’t much of a fantasy for me.

The Verdict?

Uhhh don’t fuck dead dudes, guys. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

 

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Michael from “The Black Chapel” by Marilyn Cruise

She’s a stripper faced with an impossible decision. Actually no, it’s not an impossible decision at all. TAKE THE MONEYS.

This is about a girl named Scarlett who thinks too much. No really, she has two personalities, and a billionaire falls in love with both of them. But she wants him to marry the “real” her and not the “stripper” her. Like that matters when billions of dollars are floating around?

About Michael

  • Youngish, hopefully, since the stripper in the story is about 25.
  • And I don’t want him to be an old creeper.
  • A billionaire who can’t touch his money
  • unless he gets married
  • before his mom dies
  • but the mom doesn’t want to just marry someone for the money
  • she’s kinda setting him up for failure in that regard
  • and he’s hot
  • but he frequents strip clubs.
  • and churches
  • both places I don’t like.

His problem?

  • Needs to put a ring on it
  • to inherit his money
  • that’s the only problem he thinks he has, but
  • the two women he likes are the same woman
  • that’s really her fault more than his, though.

Do you think this is how their dance performances went? I mean, the author didn’t specify, but that’s how I imagined it.

Sexxi Points

  • He has a lot of money
  • he’s attractive
  • with a cleft chin
  • okay I made that part up
  • he wants to get married
  • sort of?

Boner-Killers

  • he will cheat on you with the stripper version of you
  • and then get mad at you
  • he goes to strip clubs
  • and pays for private masked sessions in something called “The Sanctuary.”
  • so yeah, that’s sketchy as hell.

The Verdict?

I don’t understand why this Scarlett girl was so conflicted. She should have listened to her best friend, who was like uhhh take the money and run, duh. Rating: bien sexxi.

But Scarlett, break up with him before he cheats on you with yourself again. Or maybe just stop trying to get him to cheat on you with your own alter-egos. That’s a little weird.