Chewbacca from “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green

YA books are always tricky because, well, the characters are underage. So I decided to review the one sexually active, male character in the book who is definitely of legal age . . . because he is from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Chewbacca.

chewbacca

Criminal. Protector of the universe. Participant in No-Shave-November. Photo credit: Wookieepedia

Keep in mind that I will be reviewing Chewbacca as he appears in “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green and not necessarily how he appears in the Star Wars movies.

Get it? Got it? Good.

About Chewie in TATWD:

  • Is a character of Star Wars erotic fan fiction written by Daisy
  • (best friend of the main character)
  • Dating Rey
  • That’s right, Chewie is dating Rey.
  • Owes a life debt to a really annoying character
  • who he should really just let die
  • because in all of Daisy’s fan fiction, it doesn’t seem like Chewie and Rey actually
  • you know
  • seal the deal.
  • Speaks three wookie languages

His problem?

  • Can’t get laid.

Sexxi Points:

  • Knowing multiple languages is always hot
  • Willing to die for his spouse
  • and protect the galaxy and stuff like that
  • is old enough to consent
  • can definitely grow a beard
  • Chest hair can also be nice
sexy-jedi-bubblebath.jpg

I googled ‘Sexy Chewbacca’ and the results were actually pretty tame. Excuse me while I scrub my browser history. Photo credit: Geekologie.

Boner Killers:

  • Bestiality?
  • or…what is the alien form of bestiality?
  • Extraterrestriality?
  • As many characters in the book point out, like
  • what IS Chewie, and can he rationally consent?
  • All of his languages are Wookie languages
  • Like he knows three languages and not one of them can be romantic?
  • Spanish, French, German, Italian maybe?
  • No?
  • Maybe a little too hairy
  • like he’s basically naked all the time, but we never see his
  • A trim will do, that’s all I’m saying.
  • History of crime.

Verdict:

John Green does this world some justice. I really believed I was reading about teenagers who wrote about Chewbacca doing it with Rey, and then argued over whether Chewbacca could or should do it with Rey.

But this Chewbacca is kind of a wuss who keeps letting an annoying secondary character get in the way of doing it. Rating: Semi-boner, if he can prove he’s sentient enough to consent.

Get TATWD and read about Chewbaccas sexcapades. Do you agree? Disagree? Hate me forever? Only time will tell.

 

Advertisements

Augustus Waters from “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green.

You’ve probably seen this everywhere. Here it is again.

I’ll end my hiatus with The Fault in Our Stars because everyone on Tumblr is urinating themselves over it.

First of all, let me say that this was a good book, despite having a touch of Precious-pelting syndrome. PPS is when a story just throws one horrible thing after another at a character. PPS is named for the book Precious, for obvious reasons. There comes a point where so many bad things can happen to the people in your book that it stops being dramatic and starts being funny. TFIOS does not have full-blown PPS, but is in the beginning stages of it, like me with diabetes in third grade.

So here goes. Let’s rate Augustus Waters!

About Augustus

  • cancer survivor
  • but not really
  • pretentious name
  • prone to weird outbursts that he thinks are badass
  • but are really just kind of lame and funny

His problem?

  • all the people he cares for have cancer
  • he has cancer and doesn’t know it
  • cancer

Sexxi Points

  • supports his best friend
  • who loses both eyes due to cancer
  • helps Hazel find the author of some book
  • because she’s really upset because it doesn’t end
  • he writes part of the end of the book for her
  • he’s sort of sweet when he’s not being Holden Caulfield
  • but he has lots of Holden moments
  • a Holden moment is a white privilege hipster moment
  • but I’ll get to that later.

Boner-Killers

  • he’s really into V for Vendetta
  • like, still.
  • that whole cigarette thing
  • I mean, you know you’re still giving cigarette companies money, right?
  • And they kill millions of people each year?
  • You don’t have to smoke cigarettes to support evil tobacco companies
  • you just have to hand over your money
  • which you do
  • you’re supporting cancer, Augustus
  • more like ‘the fault in our logic.’
  • I really almost stopped reading at that ‘it’s a metaphor’ part
  • for those of you who don’t know, Augustus Waters sucks on unlit cigarettes
  • as a metaphor.
  • yeah it’s dumb.
  • what else
  • well
  • he’s dies
  • so that would impact our relationship
  • and he’s 16.

The Verdict?

Well he dies at the end and he’s underage so, I would be really gross if I hit on this dude. Rating: N/A

Also, can I just say, the whole losing your virginity, having sex once, and then dying thing? Barf. Reeks of puritan bullshit. They should have had a LOT. MORE. SECKS.

Get The Fault in Our Stars if you haven’t already been put off by my review.

Chase from “Crank” by Ellen Hopkins

Meth is like one of those, “I give up on life totally” drugs.

Crank is filled with sleazebags, rapists, absent fathers and drug addicts who drive their girlfriends to suicide. It was hard enough to find anyone of value. So here’s Chase, the only real good guy from “Crank.” Let’s see how good he really is.

About Chase

  • takes drugs
  • pimply
  • high school student
  • has somewhat of a future

His problem?

  • He is in love with a girl
  • who is pregnant with another man’s baby
  • and she’s addicted to meth
  • he might be addicted, but probably not
  • jury is out on this one.

From Faces of Meth. These photos were taken 2.5 years apart. TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

Sexxi Points

  • doesn’t want to have sex with a girl who was just raped
  • like, cares about her state of mind
  • sort of
  • is willing to stay with her even though she’s having another man’s baby

Boner-Killers

  • he doesn’t really make Kristina go to the doctor
  • or the cops
  • after the rape
  • I mean he just kind of is like
  • maybe we should wait a week before having sex
  • he also takes meth with her
  • and introduces her to a bunch of other drugs
  • like E.

The Verdict?

He seems like he could potentially be a decent guy, and he probably is, for his age. But he’s a little too passive and a little too destructive, and I’m not seeing a whole lot of stunning qualities. He is willing to stay with his girlfriend through her pregnancy, but the book ends before we can see if he really sticks it out. Rating: Meth is bad. Do not date boys who take meth.

Get Crank on Amazon.

Hagrid from the Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

LEGO HAGRID YES.

I’m not interested in Harry because he’s like, a child for most of the series. That’s a little too creepy. While we all know Harry ends up becoming a grown ass hottie, I can’t in good faith analyze things he did when he was 10.

So who was an adult at the start? Who hasn’t been done to death?

Fuckin’ Hagrid.

About Hagrid:

  • saves Harry from an abusive relationship
  • introduces him to his secret wizard-ing life
  • he’s basically the bouncer of Hogwarts.

His problem?

  • Generally monster-like, misunderstood, coarse and potentially unlovable.

He’s just…a little TOO big.

Sexxi Points

  • I like the whole, saving a kid from an abusive foster home
  • and then giving him lots of money
  • and helping him save the world and stuff
  • and how he can take care of dragons
  • he’s half-human, half-giant
  • and I’m a mixed kid
  • basically the same, right?
  • oh, and he’s always carrying people
  • so that’s nice, he could like
  • save me from a burning building

Boner-Killers

  • bathing?
  • communicating?
  • inside voice maybe?
  • shaving?
  • he cries too much
  • I can’t understand WTF he’s saying.
  • if he’s five times as wide as a normal man…
  • I mean
  • there’s such a thing as “too big.”
  • there’s definitely a sort of
  • I mean
  • haven’t you heard of the law of diminishing returns?

The Verdict?

I think we should just be friends partially because having sex with you would feel like childbirth. Rating: You Can Go Down on Me But That’s It.

Tobias from “Animorphs” by KA Applegate.

Wow, this is pretty much exactly as I imagined him.

Who remembers the Animorphs series? Teenagers turn into animals, fight brain-sucking aliens, save the world, lose their souls in the process. In addition to featuring lots of animal sounds, unlikely escapes, and the assistance of a godlike-entity named the Ellimist, the Animorphs also features a tortured soul, whom I love.

Special thanks to the Moonlight Library for the inspiration for this post.

About Tobias

  • he’s sort of homeless
  • and bounces around between his aunt and uncle
  • who don’t care about him
  • he thinks his mom is crazy
  • but she’s not
  • she was just like, kidnapped by aliens
  • and then married/had sex with one
  • and then the Ellimist took her hot alien man away
  • so she’s a little sore about that.
  • but anyway back to Tobias
  • he’s half-Andalite.
  • Andalites are sexy centaurs
  • who eat through their feet

His problem?

  • He’s trapped in a hawk’s body
  • He has to save the world from invading aliens

Sexxi Points

  • half centaur sexy alien
  • natural warrior or something
  • saving the world
  • has mind-speaking powers
  • and the Ellimist gives him back his morphing powers
  • and the ability to temporarily change from hawk to his human form
  • but only for two hours

Boner-Killers

  • the two hour rule means he can only bone for two hours
  • I mean, I guess he can go into the bathroom
  • morph into a bird
  • then back into a human
  • and go again
  • he’s got a lot of deeply-rooted childhood neglect issues
  • and self-worth/identity issues
  • and I do too, so that wouldn’t work
  • I need someone with the opposite problem so we can balance out
  • like an overinflated ego! Yes. Perfect.
  • anyway
  • he eats roadkill
  • and mice
  • and stuff hawks eat because he’s a hawk
  • and he has a life expectancy of not very long
  • since he’s a damn bird.

The Verdict?

I guess two hours isn’t that bad, but he’s going to have to morph/remorph for proper cuddles. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Did you crush on anyone from the series? Is there an alien you’d bang? What about the Hork-Bajir?

Elijah from “Wintergirls” by Laurie Halse Anderson

Something like this seems to be Lia’s end goal. What really happens is that she ends up in a motel with Elijah.

Wintergirls is thoroughly depressing. I would not recommend reading this book if you’ve ever had an eating disorder, ever thought about dieting, are on a diet, are overweight, underweight, or a normal weight, or are ever concerned mildly about your caloric intake.

It’s pretty intense.

At 95 pounds, anorexic Lia doesn’t have much to show off. But there is one boy who seems kinda involved and kinda all right.

About Elijah

  • janitor at a cheap motel
  • where Lia’s best friend puked herself to death
  • like, she ruptured her esophagus
  • he doesn’t have parental units
  • acne.
  • concerned about Lia’s well-being
  • but still, acne. ACNE.

His problem?

  • He’s friends with a suicidal anorexic girl who is haunted by the ghost of her dead bulimic friend.
  • He lives in the motel where he works
  • and worst of all
  • HE HAS ACNE.

Run, Lia.

Sexxi Points

  • shares food with Lia even though he’s broke
  • and she’s clearly not interested in eating
  • but she does it anyway
  • because she can tell he cares or something.
  • is basically Lia’s only good friend
  • like, the only positive influence
  • since her other best friend just encouraged the disordered eating
  • he also calls her out on some of her bullshit
  • like, the whole being inconsiderate and spoiled stuff
  • he didn’t rape Lia’s unconscious, dying body
  • no seriously, he gets points for that.

Boner-Killers

  • In the end, he leaves Lia for dead
  • in a cheap hotel room
  • and takes all of her money
  • as there’s a blizzard outside
  • and possibly no way for her to get out

 

The Verdict?

Lia, you’re thin enough and young enough to be someone’s trophy wife. This is probably the worst advice I will ever give to a fictional teenager, but please start going after rich, old perverts.

Elijah, use the money you stole from Lia to get some Proactiv and then hit me up. Oh, and I guess leaving Lia for dead was a pretty rotten move. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

John Unger from “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sure she’s pretty until you’re dying in your sleep lolol.

Everyone knows The Great Gatsby but, believe it or not, my boy Fitz here wrote other things. Besides, I’m not in the business of making Honors English easy for anyone. “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” is a short story about money and love and youth and stuff. So let’s go:

About John Unger

  • middle class
  • likes money
  • a lot
  • from a kind of tacky backwards town
  • that no one has heard of
  • he’s bored by rich people
  • but he’s obsessed with the
  • bling
  • swag
  • you get the idea
  • he’s basically the 2os version of a suburban kid
  • who wears HASHTAG SWAG shirts

His problem?

  • He went to a rich friend’s house for summer vacation
  • and his friend has a hot sister
  • and his friend is SUPER RICH
  • although he has slaves still
  • because his family told them that the South won the Civil War
  • and John isn’t cool with that
  • but John is pretty cool with banging the hot sister
  • but oh yeah since John knows the family secret
  • he can’t leave
  • and he must die
  • and everyone knows it except for him
  • even the girl he’s sleeping with knows
  • but she says she’s REALLY sorry
  • so yeah he’s stuck in diamond mountain.

Ain’t you ever heard of mo money mo problems?

Sexxi Points

  • He’s filled with a sense of
  • I don’t know
  • innocence?
  • child-like wonder?
  • He’s ambitious
  • and he’s bored by rich people
  • and he is smart enough to know that being poor isn’t cool
  • but he’s surrounded by really rich people
  • who seem to think being poor is cool
  • and he’s really confused by that
  • and I can totally relate to this
  • because that’s exactly how I felt when I was in NYU
  • so, I can relate

Boner-Killers

  • the girl he likes is really dumb
  • REALLY DUMB
  • she must just be hot because she’s really
  • fucking
  • dumb
  • and that’s a huge turn-off because
  • I couldn’t date this guy
  • without questioning my own intelligence
  • She’s just so dumb.
  • I can’t forgive him for liking someone so dumb
  • Can I at least have some reasonable competition?

The Verdict?

At the end, he saved the hot girl and her fugly sister (despite the intense betrayal), and he agrees to marry her and they leave diamond mountain to live a life of poverty. Not the most glam ending, but at the end John seems to snap out of it, and he doesn’t push the bitch off a cliff (which is what I would have done).

But John is a terrible judge of character. Don’t go with weirdos to diamond mountain. You should have gotten out of there when you realized they still had slaves. Actually, that applies to everyone reading this. You should leave if you realize your host has slaves.

Also, lawd, that girl you’re with ain’t shit, and this is all I have to say about that. Or this. Or maybe this. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

 

The Boy from “Miss Lora” by Junot Diaz

Her ass isn’t THAT flat, I guess.

Just in case you need directions on how to fuck up a relationship (being a teenage boy who pumps lots of iron seems to have something to do with it) then read “This is How You Lose Her” by Junot Diaz.

Here’s the text from “Miss Lora” if you need to try before you buy.

About Unnamed Teenage Boy, called UTB from here on

  • sixteen years old (like Pi Patel!)
  • brother dead from cancer
  • but the brother was a cheater.
  • like their dad.
  • lives in a generally bad area
  • and he’s not really expected to go to college
  • and do stuff with his life
  • but he lifts lots of weights and tries to be a good boyfriend
  • and get laid.

His problem?

    • he has a girlfriend named Paloma
    • who won’t have sex with him
    • because she’s college-bound and she’s worried that UTB is a muscular anchor
    • who will impregnate her
    • and ruin her life and she’ll be another statistic and all that happy stuff
    • UTB is also obsessed with sci-fi and the apocalypse
    • like the movie “Red Dawn.”
    • and a single older woman in the neighborhood is hitting on him
    • but she has no tits and ass.
    • but she’s kinda interested in his mind and life
    • and not just his dick.

 

Basically, if you want to lose her, you can cheat on her, ignore her, don’t stick up for her while your brother bangs her, make sure she’s much older than you so things can never get serious, or let her get her teeth knocked out by chick gangs. This is pretty much what I learned from this book.

Sexxi Points

  • Seems to be smart and in generally good shape
  • tries really hard to go down on Paloma
  • but she doesn’t let him…what?
  • she must not really know how pregnancy works
  • I mean, not giving up the pussy, I can understand, but not even oral?
  • I mean, REALLY?
  • This part of the story kind of annoyed me, if you can’t tell
  • Very idealistic
  • and romantic
  • and ultimately he is college bound!
  • and willing to date a bald girl in college

Boner-Killers

  • he seems innocent enough, but he does end up cheating on Paloma with the old lady
  • which I guess I could forgive because he’s sixteen
  • and she’s in her thirties
  • and she’s kinda raping/taking advantage of him
  • and he’s just a horny teenager.
  • but you know, he whines about what a piece of crap his dad and brother were, and goes and does the same thing
  • although I get the feeling he’ll grow out of those issues
  • very premature ejaculation during sex.
  • And he’s obsessed with “Red Dawn.”
  • That counts as two strikes
  • like, more than the whole cheating thing.

The Verdict?

Since Paloma ended their long relationship the moment she went away to college, his infidelity doesn’t seem too bad. He definitely didn’t seem to be stringing Paloma along — UTB was clearly a placeholder for her until she could find the dude she really wanted.

It’s a little sad that he was taken advantage of by the old lady, but you can really see UTB is going to grow up into a great bf. Sorry you were treated like crap, UTB, better luck next time. Call me when you’re 30. Rating: bien sexxi.

 

Holden Caulfield from “The Catcher in the Rye” by J.D. Salinger

I was into saying ‘I was into that before it was cool’ before it was cool.

If you’re here because you’re in some Honors English class or you think you’re a genius deep middle schooler, I’m probably going to disappoint you. Holden sucks and here’s why.

About Holden Caulfield

  • keeps getting kicked out of school
  • rich-ass parents
  • white
  • like not just in skin tone, but in general hipsterness
  • like he probably graduated from NYU and moved to Brooklyn afterwards
  • and opened an antique bicycle repair store.

His problem?

  • kicked out of school
  • general vagabond-ry
  • hates all institutions
  • obsessed with this chick he made out with like, once
  • can’t hold a train of thought
  • he’s probably in a mental hospital?
  • a mental hospital he can afford because his parents pay for everything.

I roll my own cigs and this jacket is vintage and so is my underwear and I only paid three bucks and when my dad dies I’m going to take the money I get from my trust fund and go to Alaska and write a travel blog about it.

Sexxi Points

  • when I was 12, I probably would have said how deep and rebellious he was
  • but now I am wiser and I realize he’s a whining white boy who has had everything paid for him
  • which is particularly annoying because Sallie Mae now owns my first-born son
  • so it’s hard to feel sympathy for this jackass
  • but I digress.

Boner-Killers

  • no future
  • whining whining whining
  • misplaces fencing equipment on the NYC subway
  • like really, how do you do that?
  • Can’t fuck a prostitute
  • Can’t fight a pimp
  • Can’t fight.
  • lies.
  • this character spawned the hipster revolution, I’m sure. Do nothing, pay for nothing, complain about it.
  • He probably cries after sex. Unconfirmed, but all signs point to Yes.

The Verdict?

I think this has been scathingly clear. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Learn more about why I hate Holden (added bonus of learning about my high school years in Plano, Texas, and other information you may not care about).