Tobias from “Animorphs” by KA Applegate.

Wow, this is pretty much exactly as I imagined him.

Who remembers the Animorphs series? Teenagers turn into animals, fight brain-sucking aliens, save the world, lose their souls in the process. In addition to featuring lots of animal sounds, unlikely escapes, and the assistance of a godlike-entity named the Ellimist, the Animorphs also features a tortured soul, whom I love.

Special thanks to the Moonlight Library for the inspiration for this post.

About Tobias

  • he’s sort of homeless
  • and bounces around between his aunt and uncle
  • who don’t care about him
  • he thinks his mom is crazy
  • but she’s not
  • she was just like, kidnapped by aliens
  • and then married/had sex with one
  • and then the Ellimist took her hot alien man away
  • so she’s a little sore about that.
  • but anyway back to Tobias
  • he’s half-Andalite.
  • Andalites are sexy centaurs
  • who eat through their feet

His problem?

  • He’s trapped in a hawk’s body
  • He has to save the world from invading aliens

Sexxi Points

  • half centaur sexy alien
  • natural warrior or something
  • saving the world
  • has mind-speaking powers
  • and the Ellimist gives him back his morphing powers
  • and the ability to temporarily change from hawk to his human form
  • but only for two hours

Boner-Killers

  • the two hour rule means he can only bone for two hours
  • I mean, I guess he can go into the bathroom
  • morph into a bird
  • then back into a human
  • and go again
  • he’s got a lot of deeply-rooted childhood neglect issues
  • and self-worth/identity issues
  • and I do too, so that wouldn’t work
  • I need someone with the opposite problem so we can balance out
  • like an overinflated ego! Yes. Perfect.
  • anyway
  • he eats roadkill
  • and mice
  • and stuff hawks eat because he’s a hawk
  • and he has a life expectancy of not very long
  • since he’s a damn bird.

The Verdict?

I guess two hours isn’t that bad, but he’s going to have to morph/remorph for proper cuddles. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Did you crush on anyone from the series? Is there an alien you’d bang? What about the Hork-Bajir?

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Dr. Henry Wu from “Jurassic Park” by Michael Crichton

Wait, Dr. Wu, I have a chart to show you…hold on…I put it…somewhere…

Everyone knows Ian Malcolm. There’s even fan fiction literotica about him. It was like shooting fish in a barrel, I know, I know.

But there’s a character in the book whose role is severely diminished in the movie, and he’s like, an unsung hero of Jurassic fucking Park. Really unsung, because he uhm MADE ALL THE DINOSAURS.

Without Dr. Wu, the story would have ended with a delusional old man with a mosquito cane.

About Dr. Henry Wu

  • child prodgy
  • studied at MIT
  • chief geneticist at JP
  • Not much of a social life
  • because he spends most of his time uhm making dinosaurs
  • is primarily out to make a name for himself
  • you know, be famous as the dude who cloned dinosaurs
  • which is pretty panty-removeworthy as it is

His problem?

  • When Malcolm says the scientists are more worried about if they COULD
  • than if they SHOULD
  • clone dinosaurs
  • Wu is pretty much the definition of that.
  • He’s focused on his work right up until the end
  • when a raptor jumps on him and eats him.
  • Yes, in the book, he dies

 

Sexxi Points

  • A genius
  • who clones dinosaurs
  • I mean, do we need to really know anything else?
  • in the book he actually does have the foresight
  • to try to engineer the dinosaurs to be slower
  • but Hammond is like LOL no.
  • But Wu isn’t a moron
  • He just has a moron boss
  • NO KIDS
  • that’s really important, everyone
  • I don’t want no baby mama drama
  • Or ex drama
  • Which Wu seems to have none of since he just is smart and clones dinosaurs.

Boner-Killers

  • No sense of humor
  • I mean, maybe it’s hard to have a sense of humor on raptor fucking island
  • But like, Wu never cracks a smile, man.
  • it’s all dinos, cloning, oh wow they’re breeding, oh crap I’m dead
  • like, when is it going to be about ME?
  • Anyway
  • He lacks a sense of the big picture
  • Like, if Ian Malcolm is all about ethics and big picture
  • Wu is the opposite
  • so focused on the task at hand
  • like tunnel vision focused on the task at hand
  • right until a raptor is eating his ass
  • So like, booksmart, not streetsmart

The Verdict?

I’d hit that, if I could get him away from dinosaurs for more than fifteen minutes. But I get it, he wants to be a famous scientist forever.

Also, don’t tell Ian Malcolm. He might get jealous. Actually, he probably wouldn’t. Wait, why am I worried about the feelings of fictional characters?

The best thing: Wu’s queue is shorter than Malcolm’s. I’m behind Dilophosaurus. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.