Erotic Poetry: A Valentine’s Day Boner

50 Shades of YAWN.

I was going to write about Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey for Valentine’s Day. I really tried, but it was terrible. It was too awful to read, to buy, to download illegally. If you’re offended by this statement, good. Please leave my blog. and buy a vibrator.

I didn’t believe at all that this perfect rich man would spend any time with this whining college chick who is supposed to be American but uses British slang. It sounded like something one of my single girlfriends would write.

It would be a whole lot more believable if this successful, hot entrepreneur spent 20 hours a day working and then did some cocaine and visited a dungeon party.

THEN WE WOULD HAVE A STORY, PEOPLE.

So instead I’m going to rate the sexxiness of an erotic poem by ee cummings. It’s called “may i feel said he.”

Note: I’m rating the sexxiness of the dude in the poem, not necessarily ee cummings.

About the Muchacho

  • Well, he’s a guy
  • who is married
  • and is trying to get laid
  • and apparently succeeds
  • but possibly ejaculates prematurely?

His problem?

  • he’s trying to get laid
  • she’s trying to fall in love

Sexxi Points

  • seems like he’s being polite and asking
  • but he’s really being a lot more assertive
  • without being intimidating
  • which is a hard balance to reach.
  • did I mention he’s married?
  • Is that a plus?
  • Maybe for a fantasy.
  • The sex is a bit painful
  • in a good way

Boner-Killers

  • well, he’s married.
  • Possible premature ejaculation?
  • You have to ask him to kiss you
  • which doesn’t really imply tenderness
  • (Hmm, but that could be sexxi?)
  • Isn’t poetry complicated?
  • He seemed to fall off his game by the end.
  • The start was slow, too
  • there was only one point where the sex seemed enjoyable for her, actually

The Verdict?

Since the muchacha basically wins in the end and has him wrapped around her finger, I thoroughly approve of this fantasy. Oh, and he’s married, which is also good for a fantasy. But only a fantasy. This is, after all, a horny blog on people who aren’t real/are dead. Rating: BIEN SEXXI

Please be good to your brains this Valentine’s Day. Or don’t, and read some erotic literature.

Monk from “Erasure” by Percival Everett

About Thelonius ‘Monk’ from Erasure

  • moderately successful novelist
  • criticized for not being ‘black’ enough
  • smart enough to know race is a social construct
  • and that he’s actually a shade of brown, not black

His problem?

  • mom has Alzheimer’s
  • gay brother is getting divorced/losing his family/losing his moneys
  • abortionist sister doctor murdered by religious people
  • he writes a parody of a ‘black’ novel and it ends up becoming a best-seller, and he has to pretend to be two people
  • and it’s really annoying because he won’t stop whining about it
  • but he uses the money to help out his family and stuff, so that’s cool I guess

This sells, Monk. Deal with it.

Sexxi Points

  • he turns down sex if you’re pathetically desperate
  • or if you have bad taste in literature
  • no really, he will leave you crying half-naked even with a raging boner
  • he’s willing to stick up for gay dudes being hassled at a bar
  • even though they end up not needing his help
  • oh, and he loves his mom, which is good

Boner-Killers

  • he’s basically Holden Caulfield, but ten years older and a sell-out
  • he is incapable of shutting the fuck up about how he was his father’s favorite child
  • and just fuck someone.

The Verdict?

Whining aside, Monk is still sexxi as hell. His ability to turn down sex had me slipping over my own vaginal juices. Rating: bien sexxi.