YA books are always tricky because, well, the characters are underage. So I decided to review the one sexually active, male character in the book who is definitely of legal age . . . because he is from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
Criminal. Protector of the universe. Participant in No-Shave-November. Photo credit: Wookieepedia
Keep in mind that I will be reviewing Chewbacca as he appears in “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green and not necessarily how he appears in the Star Wars movies.
Get it? Got it? Good.
About Chewie in TATWD:
- Is a character of Star Wars erotic fan fiction written by Daisy
- (best friend of the main character)
- Dating Rey
- That’s right, Chewie is dating Rey.
- Owes a life debt to a really annoying character
- who he should really just let die
- because in all of Daisy’s fan fiction, it doesn’t seem like Chewie and Rey actually
- you know
- seal the deal.
- Speaks three wookie languages
- Knowing multiple languages is always hot
- Willing to die for his spouse
- and protect the galaxy and stuff like that
- is old enough to consent
- can definitely grow a beard
- Chest hair can also be nice
I googled ‘Sexy Chewbacca’ and the results were actually pretty tame. Excuse me while I scrub my browser history. Photo credit: Geekologie.
- or…what is the alien form of bestiality?
- As many characters in the book point out, like
- what IS Chewie, and can he rationally consent?
- All of his languages are Wookie languages
- Like he knows three languages and not one of them can be romantic?
- Spanish, French, German, Italian maybe?
- Maybe a little too hairy
- like he’s basically naked all the time, but we never see his
- A trim will do, that’s all I’m saying.
- History of crime.
John Green does this world some justice. I really believed I was reading about teenagers who wrote about Chewbacca doing it with Rey, and then argued over whether Chewbacca could or should do it with Rey.
But this Chewbacca is kind of a wuss who keeps letting an annoying secondary character get in the way of doing it. Rating: Semi-boner, if he can prove he’s sentient enough to consent.
Get TATWD and read about Chewbaccas sexcapades. Do you agree? Disagree? Hate me forever? Only time will tell.
Good news: I’m restarting this blog. Bad news: A lot of shit has happened in the past four years to make George Orwell’s 1984 super relevant.
This book is usually fodder for wanna-be survivalists who think they have it all figured out for when the grid goes down, and you probably had to read it in English class. Or you have to read it for English class now, and you’re scanning my blog for deep analysis.
Or you’re terrified of Donald Trump.
- He’s kind of in this shitty middle class
- where he’s like,
- not poor and wandering the street
- but he likes watching people who ARE poor and wandering the street
- but Winston is also not high up enough to have luxuries
- basically, you can have free thought in this society if you’re either super poor
- or super rich
- so maybe he should just become poor?
- basically, that he writes shit down
- like dude
- use Snapchat
- or slide into her DMs
- or make memes like
- don’t explicitly write down “the government is lying”
- “and sucks ass”
- “and I’m gettin’ ass”
- I guess Orwell couldn’t have envisioned Snap doe.
- I guess that he’s trying to think?
- and that he can remember stuff for more than a couple of years
- to know that the news is fake news
- and the government is changing the news
- Willing to have forbidden sex
- Not afraid of aggressive chicks
- writes down all of his crimes
- rookie mistake dude
- really enjoys looking at poor people
- kinda weird
- after being tortured, sees his ex and instead of wondering how she is
- like, because she was probably tortured too
- he’s just like
- “oh, she got fat.”
- And he rats her out to the government
He wants to have the ability to think independently while maintaining his middle-class comforts, a feeling I think many of us can understand. His tendency to write down his crimes in a journal is pretty stupid. He also doesn’t seem capable of love. Or keeping his mouth shut.
Rating: Boner-Killer: He’s a snitch.
You’ve probably seen this everywhere. Here it is again.
I’ll end my hiatus with The Fault in Our Stars because everyone on Tumblr is urinating themselves over it.
First of all, let me say that this was a good book, despite having a touch of Precious-pelting syndrome. PPS is when a story just throws one horrible thing after another at a character. PPS is named for the book Precious, for obvious reasons. There comes a point where so many bad things can happen to the people in your book that it stops being dramatic and starts being funny. TFIOS does not have full-blown PPS, but is in the beginning stages of it, like me with diabetes in third grade.
So here goes. Let’s rate Augustus Waters!
- cancer survivor
- but not really
- pretentious name
- prone to weird outbursts that he thinks are badass
- but are really just kind of lame and funny
- all the people he cares for have cancer
- he has cancer and doesn’t know it
- supports his best friend
- who loses both eyes due to cancer
- helps Hazel find the author of some book
- because she’s really upset because it doesn’t end
- he writes part of the end of the book for her
- he’s sort of sweet when he’s not being Holden Caulfield
- but he has lots of Holden moments
- a Holden moment is a white privilege hipster moment
- but I’ll get to that later.
- he’s really into V for Vendetta
- like, still.
- that whole cigarette thing
- I mean, you know you’re still giving cigarette companies money, right?
- And they kill millions of people each year?
- You don’t have to smoke cigarettes to support evil tobacco companies
- you just have to hand over your money
- which you do
- you’re supporting cancer, Augustus
- more like ‘the fault in our logic.’
- I really almost stopped reading at that ‘it’s a metaphor’ part
- for those of you who don’t know, Augustus Waters sucks on unlit cigarettes
- as a metaphor.
- yeah it’s dumb.
- what else
- he’s dies
- so that would impact our relationship
- and he’s 16.
Well he dies at the end and he’s underage so, I would be really gross if I hit on this dude. Rating: N/A
Also, can I just say, the whole losing your virginity, having sex once, and then dying thing? Barf. Reeks of puritan bullshit. They should have had a LOT. MORE. SECKS.
Get The Fault in Our Stars if you haven’t already been put off by my review.
Meth is like one of those, “I give up on life totally” drugs.
Crank is filled with sleazebags, rapists, absent fathers and drug addicts who drive their girlfriends to suicide. It was hard enough to find anyone of value. So here’s Chase, the only real good guy from “Crank.” Let’s see how good he really is.
- takes drugs
- high school student
- has somewhat of a future
- He is in love with a girl
- who is pregnant with another man’s baby
- and she’s addicted to meth
- he might be addicted, but probably not
- jury is out on this one.
From Faces of Meth. These photos were taken 2.5 years apart. TWO AND A HALF YEARS.
- doesn’t want to have sex with a girl who was just raped
- like, cares about her state of mind
- sort of
- is willing to stay with her even though she’s having another man’s baby
- he doesn’t really make Kristina go to the doctor
- or the cops
- after the rape
- I mean he just kind of is like
- maybe we should wait a week before having sex
- he also takes meth with her
- and introduces her to a bunch of other drugs
- like E.
He seems like he could potentially be a decent guy, and he probably is, for his age. But he’s a little too passive and a little too destructive, and I’m not seeing a whole lot of stunning qualities. He is willing to stay with his girlfriend through her pregnancy, but the book ends before we can see if he really sticks it out. Rating: Meth is bad. Do not date boys who take meth.
Get Crank on Amazon.
Wow, someone made a sexy Mr. Tumnus. I may have to do this next. Damn.
I first had to read this book when I was in Catholic school. I don’t want to hear about how Aslan symbolizes Jesus, or how having sex with animals is wrong. We all know Aslan the Lion is supposed to be a badass rugged dude. And, since he’s sentient and self-aware and all that, I’m going to count him as human, not animal.
- He’s a lion
- he’s supposed to rule Narnia
- but he’s not there for some reason
- kinda like Simba in The Lion King.
- he’s a savior
- so he’s doomed to die
- but he wants to or something
This was actually the tamest sexy fanart I could find. I found this other one where the beast was having sex with Scar, but it was a little much.
- he’s this rugged, self-sacrificing, giant lion
- who is smart
- so it’s totally fine to be in love with him
- hey, you all saw Beauty and the Beast
- you all know she had sex with a lion
- so don’t pretend this is weird.
- he gave up himself to the witch
- to save Edmund
- the little boy
- who was kind of a little shit
- lets the witch take control for a while
- and that prevents Christmas from happening
- even though like,
- if Aslan was just there the whole time
- Christmas would continue on
- don’t really understand why he was gone for so long
- letting Narnia go to hell and all.
- He also makes Peter a knight
- and he’s a little kid
- way to use child soldiers, Aslan
- came back from the dead
- I’m a little weird about screwing things that were once dead
- it’s not entirely a deal breaker, though
It would have been cool and self-sacrificing if Aslan really gave himself up to save Edmund. But really, Aslan knew there was a “deeper magic” or whatever, so he already knew that if the witch killed him in Edmund’s place, that he’d come back.
So it’s like, he didn’t really sacrifice himself, because he knew he would come back to life. So that whole sentimental thing was phony.
Rating: Boner-Killer. Not because he’s a lion, or Jesus, but because he’s a phony at the end of the day.
Haven’t read it? You can fix that.
LEGO HAGRID YES.
I’m not interested in Harry because he’s like, a child for most of the series. That’s a little too creepy. While we all know Harry ends up becoming a grown ass hottie, I can’t in good faith analyze things he did when he was 10.
So who was an adult at the start? Who hasn’t been done to death?
- saves Harry from an abusive relationship
- introduces him to his secret wizard-ing life
- he’s basically the bouncer of Hogwarts.
- Generally monster-like, misunderstood, coarse and potentially unlovable.
He’s just…a little TOO big.
- I like the whole, saving a kid from an abusive foster home
- and then giving him lots of money
- and helping him save the world and stuff
- and how he can take care of dragons
- he’s half-human, half-giant
- and I’m a mixed kid
- basically the same, right?
- oh, and he’s always carrying people
- so that’s nice, he could like
- save me from a burning building
- inside voice maybe?
- he cries too much
- I can’t understand WTF he’s saying.
- if he’s five times as wide as a normal man…
- I mean
- there’s such a thing as “too big.”
- there’s definitely a sort of
- I mean
- haven’t you heard of the law of diminishing returns?
I think we should just be friends partially because having sex with you would feel like childbirth. Rating: You Can Go Down on Me But That’s It.
Why was this the cover? If this is how the monster looked, everything would have been just fine. Give him pants and he’d be the Marlboro Man.
I’m talking about Victor Frankenstein, the doctor who made the monster, not the monster himself.
- collects a bunch of dead body parts
- makes a dude
- abandons it because he thinks it’s gross
- the monster made of dead parts starts stalking him
- kind of like that guy I went on one date with who asked me to marry him
- actually, nothing like that.
Behold, cutie Victor Frankenweenie.
- likes to travel
- but most of that is fleeing/collecting corpses
- he’s been in jail
- for murder
- I mean, he didn’t COMMIT the murder
- but that’s going to affect his chances at teaching in a university
- he’s not a good listener
- the monster he made just wants to get laid
- and he’s really mean
- oh, he kinda married his sister
- they didn’t have sex because then she was murdered
- but still, married his sister.
- people around him are constantly being killed by the monster he created
- and he’s really bad at protecting his loved ones
- he just keeps having mental breakdowns
- that part is really annoying.
Now you know the difference between Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s monster. Oh yeah, Rating: NO. DO NOT BANG.
He’s been touching lots of dead bodies. You don’t want embalming fluid in your snatch. I mean, I don’t know exactly what that would do, but it can’t be good.
For everyone here who got here because they’re in Honors English, BNW is basically “Wall-E” but for adults.
Huxley predicted the Wall-E-ification of humanity while dystopian writers like Orwell thought we’d all live in a military state. Huxley was like no way, that shit takes too much effort. Just feed them. A lot. Huxley saw how to control others by keeping them fat and happy (I say this in front of my computer while writing my pointless blog and watching King of the Hill reruns and eating bread saturated with butter and garlic).
If you’re reading this, you’re probably a student looking for answers to your homework or some bullshit like that. I’m going to tell you why you shouldn’t have sex with this fictional character. In the long run, I’m providing much more useful literary analysis.
About The Savage
- he’s really dramatic
- like, who falls to his knees in a crowded room
- and yells
- “MY FATHER!!!”
- he’s the bastard son of a drug addict
- and was living on an Indian reservation-type place
- where he read lots of Shakespeare?
- he’s taken from the reservation
- and introduced to normal fucked up society
- where everyone takes drugs and fornicates and no one has babies
- so like, NYU on an average Thursday
- Brave New World is NYU on an average Thursday
- or Monday
- Brave New World is NYU any day of the week
- and he really hates it
- because it’s debauched.
- Kinda like NYU.
How about the right to take me to dinner on a Friday? What about that? Why did you jump straight to syphilis?
- he knows lots of pretty poems
- seems really romantic
- likes thick women
- I like men who like thick women
- In case that wasn’t clear.
- He seems caring and stuff.
- slut-shames this chick for coming on to him
- like, calls her a harlot or a strumpet
- or something equally stupid
- and she just wanted the D
- I mean, do they not have any horny chicks on the reservation?
- he whips himself
- he participates in an orgy and then kills himself
- he’s just a drama Queen all around.
There’s a balance between porno kisses and killing yourself for having sex once. I mean, none of these literary characters seem capable of going to a movie and then going for a walk. Tone it tone, Savage boy. I’m sure you’re pretty hot but you’re killing it. Rating: BONER-KILLER.
Wow, this is pretty much exactly as I imagined him.
Who remembers the Animorphs series? Teenagers turn into animals, fight brain-sucking aliens, save the world, lose their souls in the process. In addition to featuring lots of animal sounds, unlikely escapes, and the assistance of a godlike-entity named the Ellimist, the Animorphs also features a tortured soul, whom I love.
Special thanks to the Moonlight Library for the inspiration for this post.
- he’s sort of homeless
- and bounces around between his aunt and uncle
- who don’t care about him
- he thinks his mom is crazy
- but she’s not
- she was just like, kidnapped by aliens
- and then married/had sex with one
- and then the Ellimist took her hot alien man away
- so she’s a little sore about that.
- but anyway back to Tobias
- he’s half-Andalite.
- Andalites are sexy centaurs
- who eat through their feet
- He’s trapped in a hawk’s body
- He has to save the world from invading aliens
- half centaur sexy alien
- natural warrior or something
- saving the world
- has mind-speaking powers
- and the Ellimist gives him back his morphing powers
- and the ability to temporarily change from hawk to his human form
- but only for two hours
- the two hour rule means he can only bone for two hours
- I mean, I guess he can go into the bathroom
- morph into a bird
- then back into a human
- and go again
- he’s got a lot of deeply-rooted childhood neglect issues
- and self-worth/identity issues
- and I do too, so that wouldn’t work
- I need someone with the opposite problem so we can balance out
- like an overinflated ego! Yes. Perfect.
- he eats roadkill
- and mice
- and stuff hawks eat because he’s a hawk
- and he has a life expectancy of not very long
- since he’s a damn bird.
I guess two hours isn’t that bad, but he’s going to have to morph/remorph for proper cuddles. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.
Did you crush on anyone from the series? Is there an alien you’d bang? What about the Hork-Bajir?
Thank God this book costs less than a dollar.
I know I’m fighting a losing battle, but people:
FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR WHO MADE THE MONSTER.
THE MONSTER IS CALLED ‘FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER.’
Oh and on the cover, they actually spelled ‘Frankenstein’ incorrectly. Der.
Obviously, I didn’t spend 99 cents on ‘Frankenstein’s Bitch‘ expecting a new literary classic, and I was right. This author is in dire need of an editor. But anyway, here we go.
About Frankenstein’s Monster
- 7-inch flaccid penis
- unknown full size
- seems confused during sex?
- composed of dead body parts
- He just kind of is asleep
- and then has sex with you
- he doesn’t talk
- that’s the best part
- he’s like a real-life vibrator
- he’s dead
- doesn’t take you to dinner
- the female he’s screwing keeps noticing how “sad” he is
- I dunno, wouldn’t that be a turn off?
- If the hot dead dude you’re boning is constantly
- showing his emotional pain?
- This wasn’t much of a fantasy for me.
Uhhh don’t fuck dead dudes, guys. Rating: BONER-KILLER.