Deuce Garland from “Unmentionables” by Laurie Loewenstein.

Don’t worry. It’s not really about underwear.

“Unmentionables” is a book about a forward-thinking feminist named Marian trapped in a more conservative town. Like, back in the day. Like, back during WWI or something.

Anyway, this guy named Deuce helps her out and defends her. Let’s see how he measures up to 2014 standards.

About Deuce

  • runs a newspaper for his father-in-law
  • is kinda pussy-whipped by him
  • his wife is dead
  • his daughter wants to move to Chicago
  • he wants to do other stuff, too
  • but again, pussy-whipped by the father-in-law

His problem?

  • he has to take care of this heathen woman from up East, then he falls in love with her.

Women like Marian aren’t just make-believe. Go Wendy go!

Sexxi Points

  • forward-thinking
  • like, he thinks women should be able to do things
  • like have jobs
  • and travel
  • he’s part black
  • which I like because I’m mixed
  • but in that time period, it makes him like
  • a pariah
  • but 2014 is all about mixed-race babies
  • so chic!
  • anyway
  • he also is against children dying from contaminated milk
  • hey, in 1917, you gotta take a stand against stuff like that
  • stands up for a black kid who was killed by racist assholes
  • and testifies against the racist assholes
  • is willing to have premarital sex
  • that counts twice considering the time period.

Boner-Killers

  • kind of a pushover
  • like, first he does what the father-in-law says
  • then he just does what Marian says
  • then he just does what his daughter says
  • HAVE YOUR OWN OPINIONS SOMETIMES
  • FOR A GUY WHO RUNS A NEWSPAPER YOU REALLY HAVE NO SPINE

The Verdict?

His work defending women and minorities in a backwards-ass town wins him lots and lots of points.

BTW, even in 2014, women need defending. GO WENDY GO!

Anyway, I think you know my verdict already. A mixed-race gentleman who owns a newspaper? WIN. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

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Michael from “The Black Chapel” by Marilyn Cruise

She’s a stripper faced with an impossible decision. Actually no, it’s not an impossible decision at all. TAKE THE MONEYS.

This is about a girl named Scarlett who thinks too much. No really, she has two personalities, and a billionaire falls in love with both of them. But she wants him to marry the “real” her and not the “stripper” her. Like that matters when billions of dollars are floating around?

About Michael

  • Youngish, hopefully, since the stripper in the story is about 25.
  • And I don’t want him to be an old creeper.
  • A billionaire who can’t touch his money
  • unless he gets married
  • before his mom dies
  • but the mom doesn’t want to just marry someone for the money
  • she’s kinda setting him up for failure in that regard
  • and he’s hot
  • but he frequents strip clubs.
  • and churches
  • both places I don’t like.

His problem?

  • Needs to put a ring on it
  • to inherit his money
  • that’s the only problem he thinks he has, but
  • the two women he likes are the same woman
  • that’s really her fault more than his, though.

Do you think this is how their dance performances went? I mean, the author didn’t specify, but that’s how I imagined it.

Sexxi Points

  • He has a lot of money
  • he’s attractive
  • with a cleft chin
  • okay I made that part up
  • he wants to get married
  • sort of?

Boner-Killers

  • he will cheat on you with the stripper version of you
  • and then get mad at you
  • he goes to strip clubs
  • and pays for private masked sessions in something called “The Sanctuary.”
  • so yeah, that’s sketchy as hell.

The Verdict?

I don’t understand why this Scarlett girl was so conflicted. She should have listened to her best friend, who was like uhhh take the money and run, duh. Rating: bien sexxi.

But Scarlett, break up with him before he cheats on you with yourself again. Or maybe just stop trying to get him to cheat on you with your own alter-egos. That’s a little weird.

Pedro from “Like Water for Chocolate” by Laura Esquivel

This would be really romantic if you weren’t married to her sister.

This book had a lot of blah blah about food that I just skipped. I know the recipes had some kind of hidden meaning in the text, but I use Seamless and unsuspecting dates to get food, not my own hands. I mean, I did melt some cheese in a pan today. Does that count?

There was only like, one dude in this whole village. It was so bad that one girl ran away with a soldier and another went to a mental asylum to meet a new man. It was that bad. Aren’t you glad we have dating apps, so that jerks are just a click away?

Here’s Pedro.

About Pedro

  • in love with Tita
  • Mexican
  • that’s about it in terms of details.

His problem?

  • he can’t marry Tita
  • because she’s supposed to never marry and take care of her mom
  • so he marries Tita’s sister to stay close to her
  • creepy?
  • and the sister has all kinds of problems, like bad breath
  • saggy vagina
  • big belly
  • no breast milk
  • vomited her own wedding cake
  • the author just made the sister as unappealing as possible.

If you give a fuck, you can follow the recipes in the book and make stuff. I did not care this much.

Sexxi Points

  • Stuck around? Points for that, maybe?
  • Stuck around for twelve years.
  • Around but not active
  • He never really stood up to Tita’s mom or anything
  • And he married Tita’s sister
  • and cheated on her with Tita
  • and got her pregnant
  • Why can’t anyone just enjoy sex in any of these books?
  • Gross.

Boner-Killers

  • Cheated on his wife with her sister
  • I don’t think he went to college or anything
  • Actually he doesn’t really seem to do anything?
  • What does this cat do?
  • Other than whine and have sex with people’s sisters?

The Verdict?

I’m not down with this dude. His best qualities seem to be staying around and waiting for convenient times to have sex. He’s like mold, if mold had sex. Oh and when he finally can be with Tita, he dies during sex, and then Tita basically kills herself by eating candles. It’s a lot more romantic in the book, but that’s what it amounts to.

Tita, you should have married the dude you met in the mental asylum.

Pedro, go to school, locate your balls, go back in time and make Tita your wife the first time around. All your romantic whining took twelve years and then you died with your pants around your ankles. Not a good look. BONER-KILLER.

Joseph from “Breath, Eyes, Memory” by Edwidge Danticat

In my fantasy dream world, this Joseph would play that Joseph.

There’s only one male character in this book who isn’t a rapist, so I thought I’d focus on him. Dudes are pretty much on the back-burner in this whole novel. It’s a really beautiful, poetic story about a woman coming into her own. Naturally, I’m going to dissect it.

About Joseph

  • American
  • white
  • goes from “hi” to “let’s get married” pretty damn fast
  • in a band, travels a lot
  • not a rapist
  • Not being a rapist is a really important quality in a man.

His problem?

  • he’s married to a girl who has a lot of sex issues
  • and identity issues
  • because her mom used to stick her fingers in her no-no places
  • to make sure she still had a hymen
  • so she sodomized herself with a cooking utensil
  • and ran away from home
  • to be with Joseph
  • but then she ran away from Joseph to Haiti
  • so that she wouldn’t need to deal with her sex issues?
  • I mean, that’s basically his problem.
  • Oh yeah, and he doesn’t have a real job.

A lot of these folks would have benefited from some self-love and sex ed.

Sexxi Points

  • very understanding
  • and caring
  • and a musician
  • not racist
  • not a rapist
  • these things are very important
  • very
  • very
  • important

Boner-Killers

  • travels a lot because he’s a musician
  • got his girl pregnant the first time they had sex
  • like, she didn’t even have a chance to get over all her sex issues
  • it was like, boom, pregnant
  • and I kind of hate him for that
  • like really, you couldn’t pull out or use a condom for at least a little bit?
  • or maybe just do oral for the first couple of months?
  • Just like, “oh, your mom tortured you and you ran away from home to be with me, let me just
  • put a baby in you ASAP.”
  • Ew, Joseph. Ew.

The Verdict?

Your penis must have some kind of crazy GPS navigation to the unfertilized eggs. I’m not interested in that. I also don’t want to run away from home and then completely depend on you and have you impregnate me. Everything about this sounds awful. You still get points for not being a rapist or a racist, so I’ll come listen to your band at Rockwood or something. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Jess Galvan from “The Dead Run” by Adam Mansbach

Are you turned on yet?

So hi. I’ve been in school reading shit like The Canterbury Tales, which I have no interest in writing about, and I took a break from being overly critical of fictional characters. Sorry for the hiatus. Since I also carry hearts in a box for Aztec gods (part time), I was immediately drawn to Jess Galvan of “The Dead Run.” Let’s see how he measures up to the ruler:

About Jess Galvan

  • wrongfully jailed in Mexico
  • for defending a hooker
  • who was being gang-raped
  • he’s pure of heart
  • or something
  • until he kills someone in cold blood
  • He has to bring a still-beating human heart through the desert
  • to some ceremony
  • to appease an Aztec god
  • and bring about the end of days
  • but he’s actually part Aztec god himself.
  • Can someone be this flawless?
  • Oh, he married a religious nutjob
  • Oh well. Spoke too soon.

His problem?

  • In addition to the whole still-beating heart, end of days, Aztec god thing, his daughter has also been kidnapped by a cult who wants to rape her/eat her heart/use her as a channel to the Aztec god world/something equally horrifying for a father.

How about now?

Sexxi Points

  • there’s the whole “always defending women” thing
  • regardless of whether they’re virgins or prostitutes
  • which is nice.
  • And he loves his daughter.
  • Did I mention he’s part god?
  • like a very small part, though
  • like when I say I’m part Incan, like
  • 1/162th of a percent or something.

Boner-Killers

  • pawn of evil
  • sometimes possessed by a bloodthirsty god
  • who I think killed his wife while he was deflowering her or something
  • so yeah there’s a lot of weird virgin/whore stuff in this book
  • he was in jail
  • so he was unable to be with his wife and kid
  • so that kind of sucks
  • I like when the dudes I’m dating aren’t in prison
  • but I’m a bitch like that

The Verdict?

Lots of good qualities, but the whole “might be possessed by an Aztec god” thing is a little crazy. Yes, that’s my way of saying that I would totally go for it. BIEN SEXXI.

Jesus Christ from “I Know I Am, but What Are You?” by Samantha Bee

Jesus. Literally. Jesus.

But not Jesus from the Bible. If you need to know anything about THAT Jesus, here is all you really need to know: His first miracle was turning water to wine at a party.

Yeah, you know you wanna party with Jesus, you know, before he got all emo.

But I won’t be evaluating that particular Jesus. This is Jesus from the perception of horny pre-teen Samantha Bee. Let’s go.

About Jesus

  • secretly in love with nine-year old Samantha Bee
  • Eats Tang from the package
  • middle name is “H”
  • kind of like how Homer Simpson’s middle name is “J”
  • looks like Kris Kristofferson from A Star is Born
  • except Sam acknowledges that he might be “part black

Wow, they both look pretty good. Damn, Black Jesus.

Sexxi Points

  • Since this is all Samantha Bee’s delusional horny confused pre-adolescent mind
  • there are lots of good points
  • for example
  • Jesus has a great ass
  • looks great in cowboy boots and jeans
  • and I bet he’s packin’ in those tight jeans
  • that last part was me, not Samantha
  • Well-groomed chest hair
  • Likes having his feet rubbed with exotic oils
  • I guess you have to humor Jesus’s desires a little bit, right?
  • Willing to defend a bitch’s honor

Boner-Killers

  • long-distance relationship
  • like, really long distance
  • like, he never shows up
  • except in the form of a kind of creepy priest???

Sam, I’m glad you outgrew your weird crush on Jesus and started dating people who were physically real. Although the guy who called you “slut tits” was probably not a winner, either. Luckily, it looks like the dude you finally married is pretty chill.

Jesus, you might seem pretty cool from afar, but your absence is a huge turn-off. And don’t give me that spiritual “I’m everywhere” crap. I require an actual, physical body. RATING: BONER-KILLER.

John Unger from “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sure she’s pretty until you’re dying in your sleep lolol.

Everyone knows The Great Gatsby but, believe it or not, my boy Fitz here wrote other things. Besides, I’m not in the business of making Honors English easy for anyone. “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” is a short story about money and love and youth and stuff. So let’s go:

About John Unger

  • middle class
  • likes money
  • a lot
  • from a kind of tacky backwards town
  • that no one has heard of
  • he’s bored by rich people
  • but he’s obsessed with the
  • bling
  • swag
  • you get the idea
  • he’s basically the 2os version of a suburban kid
  • who wears HASHTAG SWAG shirts

His problem?

  • He went to a rich friend’s house for summer vacation
  • and his friend has a hot sister
  • and his friend is SUPER RICH
  • although he has slaves still
  • because his family told them that the South won the Civil War
  • and John isn’t cool with that
  • but John is pretty cool with banging the hot sister
  • but oh yeah since John knows the family secret
  • he can’t leave
  • and he must die
  • and everyone knows it except for him
  • even the girl he’s sleeping with knows
  • but she says she’s REALLY sorry
  • so yeah he’s stuck in diamond mountain.

Ain’t you ever heard of mo money mo problems?

Sexxi Points

  • He’s filled with a sense of
  • I don’t know
  • innocence?
  • child-like wonder?
  • He’s ambitious
  • and he’s bored by rich people
  • and he is smart enough to know that being poor isn’t cool
  • but he’s surrounded by really rich people
  • who seem to think being poor is cool
  • and he’s really confused by that
  • and I can totally relate to this
  • because that’s exactly how I felt when I was in NYU
  • so, I can relate

Boner-Killers

  • the girl he likes is really dumb
  • REALLY DUMB
  • she must just be hot because she’s really
  • fucking
  • dumb
  • and that’s a huge turn-off because
  • I couldn’t date this guy
  • without questioning my own intelligence
  • She’s just so dumb.
  • I can’t forgive him for liking someone so dumb
  • Can I at least have some reasonable competition?

The Verdict?

At the end, he saved the hot girl and her fugly sister (despite the intense betrayal), and he agrees to marry her and they leave diamond mountain to live a life of poverty. Not the most glam ending, but at the end John seems to snap out of it, and he doesn’t push the bitch off a cliff (which is what I would have done).

But John is a terrible judge of character. Don’t go with weirdos to diamond mountain. You should have gotten out of there when you realized they still had slaves. Actually, that applies to everyone reading this. You should leave if you realize your host has slaves.

Also, lawd, that girl you’re with ain’t shit, and this is all I have to say about that. Or this. Or maybe this. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

 

Chinaski from “Post Office” by Charles Bukowski

I know it’s been a while, and I’m sorry. It’s finals season, and I’ve only been pretending to read most of what is being assigned to me. After drinking some rum and diet cokes, I almost thought that writing about my hot professor was appropriate.

But it’s probably not, because he could read this or something.

Okay, now that I’m totally not making sense, let’s talk about “Post Office” by the guy who made it cool for writers to be fall down drunks. Well, one of them. Here we go:

About Chinaski

  • works seasonally for the post office
  • just at Christmastime, you know
  • for some cash
  • for twenty years.

His problem?

  • alcohol
  • women
  • money

This is like, how I imagine Chinaski at the start versus the end. DRUGS ARE BAD, KIDS.

Sexxi Points

  • he’s a good writer
  • knows how to bullshit the government
  • uses orgy scenes to help him remember his route
  • like, the street names and stuff
  • as in, if it’s at 33 Nancy Street, 33 men are doing Nancy
  • you know, and other good thoughts like that
  • Generally loyal
  • Stays at one ex-lover’s deathbed
  • which is cool
  • Sends money to his kids

Boner-Killers

  • clearly has a drinking problem
  • and a gambling problem
  • and since the book follows him for a while
  • you can really feel the weight gain and general loss of youth
  • due to all the ya know
  • shitty way he lives his life
  • but he gets laid a lot?
  • He was probably hot at the beginning of the book? Maybe?
  • Unclear.
  • Hooks up with a much younger girl for being rich
  • which is probably his biggest moral lapse in the book
  • It was pretty gross, I could imagine his hairy gut
  • while they were
  • okay, enough of that.
  • He also loses his erections a lot due to drinking too much
  • Ew.

The Verdict?

Moments of sweetness and potential genius? Probably would have been all over this a few years ago…but drinking and gambling problems aren’t cool, kids, and they don’t make someone deep or sensitive. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Dr. Henry Wu from “Jurassic Park” by Michael Crichton

Wait, Dr. Wu, I have a chart to show you…hold on…I put it…somewhere…

Everyone knows Ian Malcolm. There’s even fan fiction literotica about him. It was like shooting fish in a barrel, I know, I know.

But there’s a character in the book whose role is severely diminished in the movie, and he’s like, an unsung hero of Jurassic fucking Park. Really unsung, because he uhm MADE ALL THE DINOSAURS.

Without Dr. Wu, the story would have ended with a delusional old man with a mosquito cane.

About Dr. Henry Wu

  • child prodgy
  • studied at MIT
  • chief geneticist at JP
  • Not much of a social life
  • because he spends most of his time uhm making dinosaurs
  • is primarily out to make a name for himself
  • you know, be famous as the dude who cloned dinosaurs
  • which is pretty panty-removeworthy as it is

His problem?

  • When Malcolm says the scientists are more worried about if they COULD
  • than if they SHOULD
  • clone dinosaurs
  • Wu is pretty much the definition of that.
  • He’s focused on his work right up until the end
  • when a raptor jumps on him and eats him.
  • Yes, in the book, he dies

 

Sexxi Points

  • A genius
  • who clones dinosaurs
  • I mean, do we need to really know anything else?
  • in the book he actually does have the foresight
  • to try to engineer the dinosaurs to be slower
  • but Hammond is like LOL no.
  • But Wu isn’t a moron
  • He just has a moron boss
  • NO KIDS
  • that’s really important, everyone
  • I don’t want no baby mama drama
  • Or ex drama
  • Which Wu seems to have none of since he just is smart and clones dinosaurs.

Boner-Killers

  • No sense of humor
  • I mean, maybe it’s hard to have a sense of humor on raptor fucking island
  • But like, Wu never cracks a smile, man.
  • it’s all dinos, cloning, oh wow they’re breeding, oh crap I’m dead
  • like, when is it going to be about ME?
  • Anyway
  • He lacks a sense of the big picture
  • Like, if Ian Malcolm is all about ethics and big picture
  • Wu is the opposite
  • so focused on the task at hand
  • like tunnel vision focused on the task at hand
  • right until a raptor is eating his ass
  • So like, booksmart, not streetsmart

The Verdict?

I’d hit that, if I could get him away from dinosaurs for more than fifteen minutes. But I get it, he wants to be a famous scientist forever.

Also, don’t tell Ian Malcolm. He might get jealous. Actually, he probably wouldn’t. Wait, why am I worried about the feelings of fictional characters?

The best thing: Wu’s queue is shorter than Malcolm’s. I’m behind Dilophosaurus. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Ian Malcolm from “Jurassic Park” by Michael Crichton

As a kid, Jurassic Park was more than just my favorite movie — I think at one point it was my legal guardian. The paperwork is fuzzy.

Ian Malcolm’s character in the movie is pretty true to his character in the book. They made some people a lot worse in the film. But let’s take a look, shall we?

About Ian Malcolm

  • famous chaos theory mathematician
  • like, a rock star of math.
  • I’m already sold
  • is brought to Jurassic Park to endorse/not endorse the park
  • wears all black
  • because he can’t be bothered with clothes
  • has multiple kids with multiple women
  • is always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm.

His problem?

  • He’s trapped on raptor fucking island.

Sexxi Points

  • ability to predict everything that is going to happen
  • and be snarky and sarcastic
  • even in the face of death
  • …although if I was really being eaten by a t-rex and some dude was like ‘I TOLD YOU SO’
  • I would probably kill him
  • but it works well here.

Boner-Killers

  • the multiple kids, multiple wives thing is a bummer
  • but he’s rich, right?
  • so he probably hasn’t completely abandoned them?
  • Hopefully?
  • In both books, Malcolm’s MO is pretty much
  • ‘get hurt, take morphine, ramble about chaos theory.’
  • he’s way, way more heroic in the movies.
  • Just sayin’.

The Verdict?

I’m definitely in line to be the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm. I’m number 8930. Take a ticket and get behind me. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.