Wow, this is pretty much exactly as I imagined him.

Who remembers the Animorphs series? Teenagers turn into animals, fight brain-sucking aliens, save the world, lose their souls in the process. In addition to featuring lots of animal sounds, unlikely escapes, and the assistance of a godlike-entity named the Ellimist, the Animorphs also features a tortured soul, whom I love.

Special thanks to the Moonlight Library for the inspiration for this post.

About Tobias

• he’s sort of homeless
• and bounces around between his aunt and uncle
• who don’t care about him
• he thinks his mom is crazy
• but she’s not
• she was just like, kidnapped by aliens
• and then married/had sex with one
• and then the Ellimist took her hot alien man away
• so she’s a little sore about that.
• but anyway back to Tobias
• he’s half-Andalite.
• Andalites are sexy centaurs
• who eat through their feet

His problem?

• He’s trapped in a hawk’s body
• He has to save the world from invading aliens

Sexxi Points

• half centaur sexy alien
• natural warrior or something
• saving the world
• has mind-speaking powers
• and the Ellimist gives him back his morphing powers
• and the ability to temporarily change from hawk to his human form
• but only for two hours

Boner-Killers

• the two hour rule means he can only bone for two hours
• I mean, I guess he can go into the bathroom
• morph into a bird
• then back into a human
• and go again
• he’s got a lot of deeply-rooted childhood neglect issues
• and self-worth/identity issues
• and I do too, so that wouldn’t work
• I need someone with the opposite problem so we can balance out
• like an overinflated ego! Yes. Perfect.
• anyway
• he eats roadkill
• and mice
• and stuff hawks eat because he’s a hawk
• and he has a life expectancy of not very long
• since he’s a damn bird.

The Verdict?

I guess two hours isn’t that bad, but he’s going to have to morph/remorph for proper cuddles. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Did you crush on anyone from the series? Is there an alien you’d bang? What about the Hork-Bajir?