Jess Galvan from “The Dead Run” by Adam Mansbach

Are you turned on yet?

So hi. I’ve been in school reading shit like The Canterbury Tales, which I have no interest in writing about, and I took a break from being overly critical of fictional characters. Sorry for the hiatus. Since I also carry hearts in a box for Aztec gods (part time), I was immediately drawn to Jess Galvan of “The Dead Run.” Let’s see how he measures up to the ruler:

About Jess Galvan

  • wrongfully jailed in Mexico
  • for defending a hooker
  • who was being gang-raped
  • he’s pure of heart
  • or something
  • until he kills someone in cold blood
  • He has to bring a still-beating human heart through the desert
  • to some ceremony
  • to appease an Aztec god
  • and bring about the end of days
  • but he’s actually part Aztec god himself.
  • Can someone be this flawless?
  • Oh, he married a religious nutjob
  • Oh well. Spoke too soon.

His problem?

  • In addition to the whole still-beating heart, end of days, Aztec god thing, his daughter has also been kidnapped by a cult who wants to rape her/eat her heart/use her as a channel to the Aztec god world/something equally horrifying for a father.

How about now?

Sexxi Points

  • there’s the whole “always defending women” thing
  • regardless of whether they’re virgins or prostitutes
  • which is nice.
  • And he loves his daughter.
  • Did I mention he’s part god?
  • like a very small part, though
  • like when I say I’m part Incan, like
  • 1/162th of a percent or something.

Boner-Killers

  • pawn of evil
  • sometimes possessed by a bloodthirsty god
  • who I think killed his wife while he was deflowering her or something
  • so yeah there’s a lot of weird virgin/whore stuff in this book
  • he was in jail
  • so he was unable to be with his wife and kid
  • so that kind of sucks
  • I like when the dudes I’m dating aren’t in prison
  • but I’m a bitch like that

The Verdict?

Lots of good qualities, but the whole “might be possessed by an Aztec god” thing is a little crazy. Yes, that’s my way of saying that I would totally go for it. BIEN SEXXI.

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Elijah from “Wintergirls” by Laurie Halse Anderson

Something like this seems to be Lia’s end goal. What really happens is that she ends up in a motel with Elijah.

Wintergirls is thoroughly depressing. I would not recommend reading this book if you’ve ever had an eating disorder, ever thought about dieting, are on a diet, are overweight, underweight, or a normal weight, or are ever concerned mildly about your caloric intake.

It’s pretty intense.

At 95 pounds, anorexic Lia doesn’t have much to show off. But there is one boy who seems kinda involved and kinda all right.

About Elijah

  • janitor at a cheap motel
  • where Lia’s best friend puked herself to death
  • like, she ruptured her esophagus
  • he doesn’t have parental units
  • acne.
  • concerned about Lia’s well-being
  • but still, acne. ACNE.

His problem?

  • He’s friends with a suicidal anorexic girl who is haunted by the ghost of her dead bulimic friend.
  • He lives in the motel where he works
  • and worst of all
  • HE HAS ACNE.

Run, Lia.

Sexxi Points

  • shares food with Lia even though he’s broke
  • and she’s clearly not interested in eating
  • but she does it anyway
  • because she can tell he cares or something.
  • is basically Lia’s only good friend
  • like, the only positive influence
  • since her other best friend just encouraged the disordered eating
  • he also calls her out on some of her bullshit
  • like, the whole being inconsiderate and spoiled stuff
  • he didn’t rape Lia’s unconscious, dying body
  • no seriously, he gets points for that.

Boner-Killers

  • In the end, he leaves Lia for dead
  • in a cheap hotel room
  • and takes all of her money
  • as there’s a blizzard outside
  • and possibly no way for her to get out

 

The Verdict?

Lia, you’re thin enough and young enough to be someone’s trophy wife. This is probably the worst advice I will ever give to a fictional teenager, but please start going after rich, old perverts.

Elijah, use the money you stole from Lia to get some Proactiv and then hit me up. Oh, and I guess leaving Lia for dead was a pretty rotten move. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Chinaski from “Post Office” by Charles Bukowski

I know it’s been a while, and I’m sorry. It’s finals season, and I’ve only been pretending to read most of what is being assigned to me. After drinking some rum and diet cokes, I almost thought that writing about my hot professor was appropriate.

But it’s probably not, because he could read this or something.

Okay, now that I’m totally not making sense, let’s talk about “Post Office” by the guy who made it cool for writers to be fall down drunks. Well, one of them. Here we go:

About Chinaski

  • works seasonally for the post office
  • just at Christmastime, you know
  • for some cash
  • for twenty years.

His problem?

  • alcohol
  • women
  • money

This is like, how I imagine Chinaski at the start versus the end. DRUGS ARE BAD, KIDS.

Sexxi Points

  • he’s a good writer
  • knows how to bullshit the government
  • uses orgy scenes to help him remember his route
  • like, the street names and stuff
  • as in, if it’s at 33 Nancy Street, 33 men are doing Nancy
  • you know, and other good thoughts like that
  • Generally loyal
  • Stays at one ex-lover’s deathbed
  • which is cool
  • Sends money to his kids

Boner-Killers

  • clearly has a drinking problem
  • and a gambling problem
  • and since the book follows him for a while
  • you can really feel the weight gain and general loss of youth
  • due to all the ya know
  • shitty way he lives his life
  • but he gets laid a lot?
  • He was probably hot at the beginning of the book? Maybe?
  • Unclear.
  • Hooks up with a much younger girl for being rich
  • which is probably his biggest moral lapse in the book
  • It was pretty gross, I could imagine his hairy gut
  • while they were
  • okay, enough of that.
  • He also loses his erections a lot due to drinking too much
  • Ew.

The Verdict?

Moments of sweetness and potential genius? Probably would have been all over this a few years ago…but drinking and gambling problems aren’t cool, kids, and they don’t make someone deep or sensitive. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Dr. Henry Wu from “Jurassic Park” by Michael Crichton

Wait, Dr. Wu, I have a chart to show you…hold on…I put it…somewhere…

Everyone knows Ian Malcolm. There’s even fan fiction literotica about him. It was like shooting fish in a barrel, I know, I know.

But there’s a character in the book whose role is severely diminished in the movie, and he’s like, an unsung hero of Jurassic fucking Park. Really unsung, because he uhm MADE ALL THE DINOSAURS.

Without Dr. Wu, the story would have ended with a delusional old man with a mosquito cane.

About Dr. Henry Wu

  • child prodgy
  • studied at MIT
  • chief geneticist at JP
  • Not much of a social life
  • because he spends most of his time uhm making dinosaurs
  • is primarily out to make a name for himself
  • you know, be famous as the dude who cloned dinosaurs
  • which is pretty panty-removeworthy as it is

His problem?

  • When Malcolm says the scientists are more worried about if they COULD
  • than if they SHOULD
  • clone dinosaurs
  • Wu is pretty much the definition of that.
  • He’s focused on his work right up until the end
  • when a raptor jumps on him and eats him.
  • Yes, in the book, he dies

 

Sexxi Points

  • A genius
  • who clones dinosaurs
  • I mean, do we need to really know anything else?
  • in the book he actually does have the foresight
  • to try to engineer the dinosaurs to be slower
  • but Hammond is like LOL no.
  • But Wu isn’t a moron
  • He just has a moron boss
  • NO KIDS
  • that’s really important, everyone
  • I don’t want no baby mama drama
  • Or ex drama
  • Which Wu seems to have none of since he just is smart and clones dinosaurs.

Boner-Killers

  • No sense of humor
  • I mean, maybe it’s hard to have a sense of humor on raptor fucking island
  • But like, Wu never cracks a smile, man.
  • it’s all dinos, cloning, oh wow they’re breeding, oh crap I’m dead
  • like, when is it going to be about ME?
  • Anyway
  • He lacks a sense of the big picture
  • Like, if Ian Malcolm is all about ethics and big picture
  • Wu is the opposite
  • so focused on the task at hand
  • like tunnel vision focused on the task at hand
  • right until a raptor is eating his ass
  • So like, booksmart, not streetsmart

The Verdict?

I’d hit that, if I could get him away from dinosaurs for more than fifteen minutes. But I get it, he wants to be a famous scientist forever.

Also, don’t tell Ian Malcolm. He might get jealous. Actually, he probably wouldn’t. Wait, why am I worried about the feelings of fictional characters?

The best thing: Wu’s queue is shorter than Malcolm’s. I’m behind Dilophosaurus. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Ian Malcolm from “Jurassic Park” by Michael Crichton

As a kid, Jurassic Park was more than just my favorite movie — I think at one point it was my legal guardian. The paperwork is fuzzy.

Ian Malcolm’s character in the movie is pretty true to his character in the book. They made some people a lot worse in the film. But let’s take a look, shall we?

About Ian Malcolm

  • famous chaos theory mathematician
  • like, a rock star of math.
  • I’m already sold
  • is brought to Jurassic Park to endorse/not endorse the park
  • wears all black
  • because he can’t be bothered with clothes
  • has multiple kids with multiple women
  • is always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm.

His problem?

  • He’s trapped on raptor fucking island.

Sexxi Points

  • ability to predict everything that is going to happen
  • and be snarky and sarcastic
  • even in the face of death
  • …although if I was really being eaten by a t-rex and some dude was like ‘I TOLD YOU SO’
  • I would probably kill him
  • but it works well here.

Boner-Killers

  • the multiple kids, multiple wives thing is a bummer
  • but he’s rich, right?
  • so he probably hasn’t completely abandoned them?
  • Hopefully?
  • In both books, Malcolm’s MO is pretty much
  • ‘get hurt, take morphine, ramble about chaos theory.’
  • he’s way, way more heroic in the movies.
  • Just sayin’.

The Verdict?

I’m definitely in line to be the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm. I’m number 8930. Take a ticket and get behind me. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

The Boy from “Miss Lora” by Junot Diaz

Her ass isn’t THAT flat, I guess.

Just in case you need directions on how to fuck up a relationship (being a teenage boy who pumps lots of iron seems to have something to do with it) then read “This is How You Lose Her” by Junot Diaz.

Here’s the text from “Miss Lora” if you need to try before you buy.

About Unnamed Teenage Boy, called UTB from here on

  • sixteen years old (like Pi Patel!)
  • brother dead from cancer
  • but the brother was a cheater.
  • like their dad.
  • lives in a generally bad area
  • and he’s not really expected to go to college
  • and do stuff with his life
  • but he lifts lots of weights and tries to be a good boyfriend
  • and get laid.

His problem?

    • he has a girlfriend named Paloma
    • who won’t have sex with him
    • because she’s college-bound and she’s worried that UTB is a muscular anchor
    • who will impregnate her
    • and ruin her life and she’ll be another statistic and all that happy stuff
    • UTB is also obsessed with sci-fi and the apocalypse
    • like the movie “Red Dawn.”
    • and a single older woman in the neighborhood is hitting on him
    • but she has no tits and ass.
    • but she’s kinda interested in his mind and life
    • and not just his dick.

 

Basically, if you want to lose her, you can cheat on her, ignore her, don’t stick up for her while your brother bangs her, make sure she’s much older than you so things can never get serious, or let her get her teeth knocked out by chick gangs. This is pretty much what I learned from this book.

Sexxi Points

  • Seems to be smart and in generally good shape
  • tries really hard to go down on Paloma
  • but she doesn’t let him…what?
  • she must not really know how pregnancy works
  • I mean, not giving up the pussy, I can understand, but not even oral?
  • I mean, REALLY?
  • This part of the story kind of annoyed me, if you can’t tell
  • Very idealistic
  • and romantic
  • and ultimately he is college bound!
  • and willing to date a bald girl in college

Boner-Killers

  • he seems innocent enough, but he does end up cheating on Paloma with the old lady
  • which I guess I could forgive because he’s sixteen
  • and she’s in her thirties
  • and she’s kinda raping/taking advantage of him
  • and he’s just a horny teenager.
  • but you know, he whines about what a piece of crap his dad and brother were, and goes and does the same thing
  • although I get the feeling he’ll grow out of those issues
  • very premature ejaculation during sex.
  • And he’s obsessed with “Red Dawn.”
  • That counts as two strikes
  • like, more than the whole cheating thing.

The Verdict?

Since Paloma ended their long relationship the moment she went away to college, his infidelity doesn’t seem too bad. He definitely didn’t seem to be stringing Paloma along — UTB was clearly a placeholder for her until she could find the dude she really wanted.

It’s a little sad that he was taken advantage of by the old lady, but you can really see UTB is going to grow up into a great bf. Sorry you were treated like crap, UTB, better luck next time. Call me when you’re 30. Rating: bien sexxi.

 

Tucker Max from “Assholes Finish First” by, well, Tucker Max

He looks pretty good, right? It’s all downhill from here.

When you write about yourself, or somehow try to portray yourself, you’re mainly trying to portray how you want others to see you. Autobiographies are a form of vanity. Other examples include Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and basically everything I do.

Tucker Max wants people to know how he fucks lots of stupid women. So I’m going to analyze the sexiness of this character. The character that he wants to be. In the book.

About Tucker Max

  • he went to college
  • he’s a pickup artist, basically
  • he gets famous for having sex with lots of women
  • and since he’s famous for having sex with lots of women
  • lots of women want to have sex with him
  • this book basically makes women look bad.

His problem?

  • attracts the bottom of the barrel
  • like, failed strippers
  • with tattoos of maggots on their vaginas
  • and women who will suck dick
  • WHILE the guy is taking a shit
  • apparently that activity has a proper name
  • but it shouldn’t, because WTF?

Nice guys like this one will read Tucker Max’s book and fall victim to the idea that nice guys finish last and then take up negging and that is a fate more tragic than, like, starvation.

Sexxi Points

  • he actually seems to have a conscience
  • like, he knows raping children is bad
  • and he’s willing to take them to the bus stop and buy them froyo.
  • and he doesn’t see virgins as appealing
  • which is nice because he doesn’t have a double standard when it comes to sex
  • and he does want to have a real relationship someday
  • with like, an emotionally stable woman who won’t just sleep with him for the chance to do his laundry
  • yes, he has women who are willing to come over to do his laundry
  • and then have sex with him
  • like he’s doing them this huge favor
  • he has money
  • maybe?
  • he had midget sex
  • and I’m short, so that’s a plus for me
  • he does seem moderately intelligent
  • but emotionally manipulative.

Boner-Killers

  • obnoxious
  • he’s already killed all chances of this miracle girl loving him
  • because she just has to read this book
  • or look at the cover
  • and then she will run away
  • he’s willing to publish his sexual history with you
  • he probably has radiation dick from x-ray sex
  • yes, x-ray sex.
  • he engages in negging to pick up girls
  • negging is, like, backhanded compliments to make women feel insecure
  • and he like, openly plays games with women’s emotions
  • even though he can spot that they’re needy
  • and then he’s like “what, if they want to fuck me that’s their problem”

The Verdict?

I’m sure Karma will make sure that this guy will have all slutty daughters. This is a hilarious read, but if you let this guy’s dick anywhere near you, you will probably have all of the STDs. Like, all of them. Rating: hilarious, but a BONER-KILLER.

Also, if you use negging to pick up girls, you should probably have your dick removed. You don’t deserve something so beautiful.

Erotic Poetry: A Valentine’s Day Boner

50 Shades of YAWN.

I was going to write about Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey for Valentine’s Day. I really tried, but it was terrible. It was too awful to read, to buy, to download illegally. If you’re offended by this statement, good. Please leave my blog. and buy a vibrator.

I didn’t believe at all that this perfect rich man would spend any time with this whining college chick who is supposed to be American but uses British slang. It sounded like something one of my single girlfriends would write.

It would be a whole lot more believable if this successful, hot entrepreneur spent 20 hours a day working and then did some cocaine and visited a dungeon party.

THEN WE WOULD HAVE A STORY, PEOPLE.

So instead I’m going to rate the sexxiness of an erotic poem by ee cummings. It’s called “may i feel said he.”

Note: I’m rating the sexxiness of the dude in the poem, not necessarily ee cummings.

About the Muchacho

  • Well, he’s a guy
  • who is married
  • and is trying to get laid
  • and apparently succeeds
  • but possibly ejaculates prematurely?

His problem?

  • he’s trying to get laid
  • she’s trying to fall in love

Sexxi Points

  • seems like he’s being polite and asking
  • but he’s really being a lot more assertive
  • without being intimidating
  • which is a hard balance to reach.
  • did I mention he’s married?
  • Is that a plus?
  • Maybe for a fantasy.
  • The sex is a bit painful
  • in a good way

Boner-Killers

  • well, he’s married.
  • Possible premature ejaculation?
  • You have to ask him to kiss you
  • which doesn’t really imply tenderness
  • (Hmm, but that could be sexxi?)
  • Isn’t poetry complicated?
  • He seemed to fall off his game by the end.
  • The start was slow, too
  • there was only one point where the sex seemed enjoyable for her, actually

The Verdict?

Since the muchacha basically wins in the end and has him wrapped around her finger, I thoroughly approve of this fantasy. Oh, and he’s married, which is also good for a fantasy. But only a fantasy. This is, after all, a horny blog on people who aren’t real/are dead. Rating: BIEN SEXXI

Please be good to your brains this Valentine’s Day. Or don’t, and read some erotic literature.

Niki Jumpei from “The Woman in the Dunes” by Kobo Abe

This classic centers around shoveling sand forever and it’s basically about the futility of life. It’s one of my favorite books. It’s also a little bit Stockholm syndrome-ish.

About Niki

  • likes to collect bugs
  • which might indicate an Oedipal complex
  • painfully logical
  • knows a lot about beetles
  • and sand
  • innocent and trusting
  • which is why it was so easy to trap him into shoveling sand forever

His problem?

  • these dudes convinced him to come to their town
  • to take a break from collecting bugs
  • but then they trapped him in a giant sand castle town
  • and gave him to this lonely woman
  • who is really good at keeping house
  • and then he develops Stockholm syndrome
  • and fucks her.
  • and he has to shovel sand to keep from drowning in the sand castle town
  • and continue fucking the woman who trapped him there

Sexxi Points

  • happy with the simple life
  • loyal to whoever he’s with
  • very strategic, but only when it comes to sand and bugs
  • otherwise he wouldn’t have been so easily tricked
  • only has eyes for his woman
  • but that might be because she’s uhm, the only woman
  • refuses to hit her even when it’s obvious she tricked him
  • hard-working

Boner-Killers

  • loses focus once he’s fat and happy
  • hard-working, yes, but not very ambitious
  • I mean, he goes from collecting bugs to shoveling sand
  • so I doubt he’d ever be able to fully support me as I write books and horny blogs
  • for the rest of my life
  • seems kind of passive about switching wives
  • and getting his new wife imposed on him
  • he will kind of sleep with any girl who cooks and sleeps in the nude
  • but it’s nice knowing I could have sand in my vagina and he’d still hit that
  • on second thought, that sounds painful.
  • it hurts when he pee pees
  • and some strange stuff comes out of his pee pee
  • he doesn’t understand that you can’t shovel up.

The Verdict?

It’s nothing personal, Niki, because you’ve got a lot of good points, but I just don’t want to have to imprison a man to get him to love me. Word of advice, you should stop nailing chicks with only girl in the world syndrome. But…you can’t read my advice because…she’s…not…letting…you. Oh well. I tried. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Paul Redeker from “World War Z” by Max Brooks

It’s like a mockumentary or something. At least, I think it’s fiction.

About Paul

  • official in South Africa
  • notoriously emotionless
  • but a genius
  • created a plan to save humanity when the zombies took over
  • but it kind of involved using refugees as human bait
  • so that the smart, athletic people could survive
  • went crazy after a hug

His problem?

  • he’s in a mental hospital
  • because his psyche rejected a hug
  • he refers to himself in the third person
  • which is always unattractive.

Sexxi Points

  • saved the world
  • absolute genius
  • hides his emotions deep deep down
  • Nelson Mandela approved of his plan
  • even if it did involve using human shields

Boner-Killers

  • currently lives in a mental institution
  • obviously has strong opinions regarding which people deserve to live
  • so there’s kind of a class issue there
  • since he doesn’t think everyone is created equal
  • he isn’t very affectionate
  • or loving

The Verdict?

A hug drove him crazy. That means, deep down, he wants to be loved. I CAN CHANGE HIM MOMMY WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE I CAN CHANGE HIM. Rating: FEMALE BONER.