Frankenstein’s MONSTER from “Frankenstein’s Bitch” by K.J. Burkhardt.

Thank God this book costs less than a dollar.

I know I’m fighting a losing battle, but people:

FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR WHO MADE THE MONSTER.

THE MONSTER IS CALLED ‘FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER.’

Oh and on the cover, they actually spelled ‘Frankenstein’ incorrectly. Der.

Obviously, I didn’t spend 99 cents on ‘Frankenstein’s Bitch‘ expecting a new literary classic, and I was right. This author is in dire need of an editor. But anyway, here we go.

About Frankenstein’s Monster

  • 7-inch flaccid penis
  • unknown full size
  • seems confused during sex?
  • composed of dead body parts

His problem?

  • Needs to get laid?

Sexxi Points

  • He just kind of is asleep
  • and then has sex with you
  • he doesn’t talk
  • that’s the best part
  • he’s like a real-life vibrator

Boner-Killers

  • he’s dead
  • doesn’t take you to dinner
  • the female he’s screwing keeps noticing how “sad” he is
  • I dunno, wouldn’t that be a turn off?
  • If the hot dead dude you’re boning is constantly
  • showing his emotional pain?
  • This wasn’t much of a fantasy for me.

The Verdict?

Uhhh don’t fuck dead dudes, guys. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

 

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Michael from “The Black Chapel” by Marilyn Cruise

She’s a stripper faced with an impossible decision. Actually no, it’s not an impossible decision at all. TAKE THE MONEYS.

This is about a girl named Scarlett who thinks too much. No really, she has two personalities, and a billionaire falls in love with both of them. But she wants him to marry the “real” her and not the “stripper” her. Like that matters when billions of dollars are floating around?

About Michael

  • Youngish, hopefully, since the stripper in the story is about 25.
  • And I don’t want him to be an old creeper.
  • A billionaire who can’t touch his money
  • unless he gets married
  • before his mom dies
  • but the mom doesn’t want to just marry someone for the money
  • she’s kinda setting him up for failure in that regard
  • and he’s hot
  • but he frequents strip clubs.
  • and churches
  • both places I don’t like.

His problem?

  • Needs to put a ring on it
  • to inherit his money
  • that’s the only problem he thinks he has, but
  • the two women he likes are the same woman
  • that’s really her fault more than his, though.

Do you think this is how their dance performances went? I mean, the author didn’t specify, but that’s how I imagined it.

Sexxi Points

  • He has a lot of money
  • he’s attractive
  • with a cleft chin
  • okay I made that part up
  • he wants to get married
  • sort of?

Boner-Killers

  • he will cheat on you with the stripper version of you
  • and then get mad at you
  • he goes to strip clubs
  • and pays for private masked sessions in something called “The Sanctuary.”
  • so yeah, that’s sketchy as hell.

The Verdict?

I don’t understand why this Scarlett girl was so conflicted. She should have listened to her best friend, who was like uhhh take the money and run, duh. Rating: bien sexxi.

But Scarlett, break up with him before he cheats on you with yourself again. Or maybe just stop trying to get him to cheat on you with your own alter-egos. That’s a little weird.

Jesus Christ from “I Know I Am, but What Are You?” by Samantha Bee

Jesus. Literally. Jesus.

But not Jesus from the Bible. If you need to know anything about THAT Jesus, here is all you really need to know: His first miracle was turning water to wine at a party.

Yeah, you know you wanna party with Jesus, you know, before he got all emo.

But I won’t be evaluating that particular Jesus. This is Jesus from the perception of horny pre-teen Samantha Bee. Let’s go.

About Jesus

  • secretly in love with nine-year old Samantha Bee
  • Eats Tang from the package
  • middle name is “H”
  • kind of like how Homer Simpson’s middle name is “J”
  • looks like Kris Kristofferson from A Star is Born
  • except Sam acknowledges that he might be “part black

Wow, they both look pretty good. Damn, Black Jesus.

Sexxi Points

  • Since this is all Samantha Bee’s delusional horny confused pre-adolescent mind
  • there are lots of good points
  • for example
  • Jesus has a great ass
  • looks great in cowboy boots and jeans
  • and I bet he’s packin’ in those tight jeans
  • that last part was me, not Samantha
  • Well-groomed chest hair
  • Likes having his feet rubbed with exotic oils
  • I guess you have to humor Jesus’s desires a little bit, right?
  • Willing to defend a bitch’s honor

Boner-Killers

  • long-distance relationship
  • like, really long distance
  • like, he never shows up
  • except in the form of a kind of creepy priest???

Sam, I’m glad you outgrew your weird crush on Jesus and started dating people who were physically real. Although the guy who called you “slut tits” was probably not a winner, either. Luckily, it looks like the dude you finally married is pretty chill.

Jesus, you might seem pretty cool from afar, but your absence is a huge turn-off. And don’t give me that spiritual “I’m everywhere” crap. I require an actual, physical body. RATING: BONER-KILLER.

John Unger from “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sure she’s pretty until you’re dying in your sleep lolol.

Everyone knows The Great Gatsby but, believe it or not, my boy Fitz here wrote other things. Besides, I’m not in the business of making Honors English easy for anyone. “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” is a short story about money and love and youth and stuff. So let’s go:

About John Unger

  • middle class
  • likes money
  • a lot
  • from a kind of tacky backwards town
  • that no one has heard of
  • he’s bored by rich people
  • but he’s obsessed with the
  • bling
  • swag
  • you get the idea
  • he’s basically the 2os version of a suburban kid
  • who wears HASHTAG SWAG shirts

His problem?

  • He went to a rich friend’s house for summer vacation
  • and his friend has a hot sister
  • and his friend is SUPER RICH
  • although he has slaves still
  • because his family told them that the South won the Civil War
  • and John isn’t cool with that
  • but John is pretty cool with banging the hot sister
  • but oh yeah since John knows the family secret
  • he can’t leave
  • and he must die
  • and everyone knows it except for him
  • even the girl he’s sleeping with knows
  • but she says she’s REALLY sorry
  • so yeah he’s stuck in diamond mountain.

Ain’t you ever heard of mo money mo problems?

Sexxi Points

  • He’s filled with a sense of
  • I don’t know
  • innocence?
  • child-like wonder?
  • He’s ambitious
  • and he’s bored by rich people
  • and he is smart enough to know that being poor isn’t cool
  • but he’s surrounded by really rich people
  • who seem to think being poor is cool
  • and he’s really confused by that
  • and I can totally relate to this
  • because that’s exactly how I felt when I was in NYU
  • so, I can relate

Boner-Killers

  • the girl he likes is really dumb
  • REALLY DUMB
  • she must just be hot because she’s really
  • fucking
  • dumb
  • and that’s a huge turn-off because
  • I couldn’t date this guy
  • without questioning my own intelligence
  • She’s just so dumb.
  • I can’t forgive him for liking someone so dumb
  • Can I at least have some reasonable competition?

The Verdict?

At the end, he saved the hot girl and her fugly sister (despite the intense betrayal), and he agrees to marry her and they leave diamond mountain to live a life of poverty. Not the most glam ending, but at the end John seems to snap out of it, and he doesn’t push the bitch off a cliff (which is what I would have done).

But John is a terrible judge of character. Don’t go with weirdos to diamond mountain. You should have gotten out of there when you realized they still had slaves. Actually, that applies to everyone reading this. You should leave if you realize your host has slaves.

Also, lawd, that girl you’re with ain’t shit, and this is all I have to say about that. Or this. Or maybe this. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

 

Piscine “Pi” from “Life of Pi” by Yann Martel

Meditating with a tiger NBD SMH LOL.

I’m sure you all know the basics of Life of Pi, even if you’ve just seen the cover of the book. Big blue ocean. One boat. A boy and a tiger. It’s not a complicated plot, but, like anything in this world, there’s still just enough room for a pervert like me to have an opinion.

About Pi Patel

  • sixteen years old
  • son of a zookeeper
  • well-off, but manages not to be a dick about it
  • spiritual, deep, but not spoiled, like an artist with a trust fund he can’t touch until he’s 35

His problem?

  • Stranded at sea on a shitty lifeboat
  • without too much know-how
  • or supplies
  • and his family is dead
  • OH AND DID I MENTION THERE’S A TIGER WITH HIM.

 

Sexxi Points

  • HE PUTS THE TIGER’S NEEDS FIRST.
  • Like food and water and stuff. He doesn’t have sexual relations with the tiger.
  • But I’m sure that tendency translates into other areas.
  • Realizes that he needs the tiger too
  • and they develop this beautiful relationship where the tiger’s senses alert Pi to danger
  • like on that island that eats you in your sleep
  • and turns your teeth into flowers
  • and they eventually trust each other to live in the same boat
  • it’s just such a beautiful relationship
  • Circus trainers who beat tigers into doing tricks just don’t get it
  • THEY JUST DON’T WANT TO PUT IN THE EFFORT
  • oh yeah and he’s pretty deep and spiritual and wise and stuff like that
  • and he has survival skills
  • and clearly relationship skills
  • more impressively, he retains his relationship skills in a survival situation

Boner-Killers

  • he has like three religions
  • and I have none
  • so raising our kids would be really difficult
  • and it would have to be that serious, because this guy definitely doesn’t hook up.
  • he possibly hallucinated the whole tiger thing
  • so yeah he uhm might be prone to some PTSD or shell shock or severe emotional fuckeduppery.

The Verdict?

At the end, he did have a wife and children, so I’ll take that as proof that he doesn’t hallucinate and murder people in his sleep. With machetes.┬áRating: bien sexxi.

Also, I think I should tell all of you that I’m married to Pi now. Not literally, but spiritually. Like how nuns marry Jesus. Just letting you know.