Frankenstein’s MONSTER from “Frankenstein’s Bitch” by K.J. Burkhardt.

Thank God this book costs less than a dollar.

I know I’m fighting a losing battle, but people:

FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR WHO MADE THE MONSTER.

THE MONSTER IS CALLED ‘FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER.’

Oh and on the cover, they actually spelled ‘Frankenstein’ incorrectly. Der.

Obviously, I didn’t spend 99 cents on ‘Frankenstein’s Bitch‘ expecting a new literary classic, and I was right. This author is in dire need of an editor. But anyway, here we go.

About Frankenstein’s Monster

  • 7-inch flaccid penis
  • unknown full size
  • seems confused during sex?
  • composed of dead body parts

His problem?

  • Needs to get laid?

Sexxi Points

  • He just kind of is asleep
  • and then has sex with you
  • he doesn’t talk
  • that’s the best part
  • he’s like a real-life vibrator

Boner-Killers

  • he’s dead
  • doesn’t take you to dinner
  • the female he’s screwing keeps noticing how “sad” he is
  • I dunno, wouldn’t that be a turn off?
  • If the hot dead dude you’re boning is constantly
  • showing his emotional pain?
  • This wasn’t much of a fantasy for me.

The Verdict?

Uhhh don’t fuck dead dudes, guys. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

 

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Erotic Poetry: A Valentine’s Day Boner

50 Shades of YAWN.

I was going to write about Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey for Valentine’s Day. I really tried, but it was terrible. It was too awful to read, to buy, to download illegally. If you’re offended by this statement, good. Please leave my blog. and buy a vibrator.

I didn’t believe at all that this perfect rich man would spend any time with this whining college chick who is supposed to be American but uses British slang. It sounded like something one of my single girlfriends would write.

It would be a whole lot more believable if this successful, hot entrepreneur spent 20 hours a day working and then did some cocaine and visited a dungeon party.

THEN WE WOULD HAVE A STORY, PEOPLE.

So instead I’m going to rate the sexxiness of an erotic poem by ee cummings. It’s called “may i feel said he.”

Note: I’m rating the sexxiness of the dude in the poem, not necessarily ee cummings.

About the Muchacho

  • Well, he’s a guy
  • who is married
  • and is trying to get laid
  • and apparently succeeds
  • but possibly ejaculates prematurely?

His problem?

  • he’s trying to get laid
  • she’s trying to fall in love

Sexxi Points

  • seems like he’s being polite and asking
  • but he’s really being a lot more assertive
  • without being intimidating
  • which is a hard balance to reach.
  • did I mention he’s married?
  • Is that a plus?
  • Maybe for a fantasy.
  • The sex is a bit painful
  • in a good way

Boner-Killers

  • well, he’s married.
  • Possible premature ejaculation?
  • You have to ask him to kiss you
  • which doesn’t really imply tenderness
  • (Hmm, but that could be sexxi?)
  • Isn’t poetry complicated?
  • He seemed to fall off his game by the end.
  • The start was slow, too
  • there was only one point where the sex seemed enjoyable for her, actually

The Verdict?

Since the muchacha basically wins in the end and has him wrapped around her finger, I thoroughly approve of this fantasy. Oh, and he’s married, which is also good for a fantasy. But only a fantasy. This is, after all, a horny blog on people who aren’t real/are dead. Rating: BIEN SEXXI

Please be good to your brains this Valentine’s Day. Or don’t, and read some erotic literature.