Pedro from “Like Water for Chocolate” by Laura Esquivel

This would be really romantic if you weren’t married to her sister.

This book had a lot of blah blah about food that I just skipped. I know the recipes had some kind of hidden meaning in the text, but I use Seamless and unsuspecting dates to get food, not my own hands. I mean, I did melt some cheese in a pan today. Does that count?

There was only like, one dude in this whole village. It was so bad that one girl ran away with a soldier and another went to a mental asylum to meet a new man. It was that bad. Aren’t you glad we have dating apps, so that jerks are just a click away?

Here’s Pedro.

About Pedro

  • in love with Tita
  • Mexican
  • that’s about it in terms of details.

His problem?

  • he can’t marry Tita
  • because she’s supposed to never marry and take care of her mom
  • so he marries Tita’s sister to stay close to her
  • creepy?
  • and the sister has all kinds of problems, like bad breath
  • saggy vagina
  • big belly
  • no breast milk
  • vomited her own wedding cake
  • the author just made the sister as unappealing as possible.

If you give a fuck, you can follow the recipes in the book and make stuff. I did not care this much.

Sexxi Points

  • Stuck around? Points for that, maybe?
  • Stuck around for twelve years.
  • Around but not active
  • He never really stood up to Tita’s mom or anything
  • And he married Tita’s sister
  • and cheated on her with Tita
  • and got her pregnant
  • Why can’t anyone just enjoy sex in any of these books?
  • Gross.

Boner-Killers

  • Cheated on his wife with her sister
  • I don’t think he went to college or anything
  • Actually he doesn’t really seem to do anything?
  • What does this cat do?
  • Other than whine and have sex with people’s sisters?

The Verdict?

I’m not down with this dude. His best qualities seem to be staying around and waiting for convenient times to have sex. He’s like mold, if mold had sex. Oh and when he finally can be with Tita, he dies during sex, and then Tita basically kills herself by eating candles. It’s a lot more romantic in the book, but that’s what it amounts to.

Tita, you should have married the dude you met in the mental asylum.

Pedro, go to school, locate your balls, go back in time and make Tita your wife the first time around. All your romantic whining took twelve years and then you died with your pants around your ankles. Not a good look. BONER-KILLER.

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Jess Galvan from “The Dead Run” by Adam Mansbach

Are you turned on yet?

So hi. I’ve been in school reading shit like The Canterbury Tales, which I have no interest in writing about, and I took a break from being overly critical of fictional characters. Sorry for the hiatus. Since I also carry hearts in a box for Aztec gods (part time), I was immediately drawn to Jess Galvan of “The Dead Run.” Let’s see how he measures up to the ruler:

About Jess Galvan

  • wrongfully jailed in Mexico
  • for defending a hooker
  • who was being gang-raped
  • he’s pure of heart
  • or something
  • until he kills someone in cold blood
  • He has to bring a still-beating human heart through the desert
  • to some ceremony
  • to appease an Aztec god
  • and bring about the end of days
  • but he’s actually part Aztec god himself.
  • Can someone be this flawless?
  • Oh, he married a religious nutjob
  • Oh well. Spoke too soon.

His problem?

  • In addition to the whole still-beating heart, end of days, Aztec god thing, his daughter has also been kidnapped by a cult who wants to rape her/eat her heart/use her as a channel to the Aztec god world/something equally horrifying for a father.

How about now?

Sexxi Points

  • there’s the whole “always defending women” thing
  • regardless of whether they’re virgins or prostitutes
  • which is nice.
  • And he loves his daughter.
  • Did I mention he’s part god?
  • like a very small part, though
  • like when I say I’m part Incan, like
  • 1/162th of a percent or something.

Boner-Killers

  • pawn of evil
  • sometimes possessed by a bloodthirsty god
  • who I think killed his wife while he was deflowering her or something
  • so yeah there’s a lot of weird virgin/whore stuff in this book
  • he was in jail
  • so he was unable to be with his wife and kid
  • so that kind of sucks
  • I like when the dudes I’m dating aren’t in prison
  • but I’m a bitch like that

The Verdict?

Lots of good qualities, but the whole “might be possessed by an Aztec god” thing is a little crazy. Yes, that’s my way of saying that I would totally go for it. BIEN SEXXI.