Chewbacca from “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green

YA books are always tricky because, well, the characters are underage. So I decided to review the one sexually active, male character in the book who is definitely of legal age . . . because he is from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Chewbacca.

chewbacca

Criminal. Protector of the universe. Participant in No-Shave-November. Photo credit: Wookieepedia

Keep in mind that I will be reviewing Chewbacca as he appears in “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green and not necessarily how he appears in the Star Wars movies.

Get it? Got it? Good.

About Chewie in TATWD:

  • Is a character of Star Wars erotic fan fiction written by Daisy
  • (best friend of the main character)
  • Dating Rey
  • That’s right, Chewie is dating Rey.
  • Owes a life debt to a really annoying character
  • who he should really just let die
  • because in all of Daisy’s fan fiction, it doesn’t seem like Chewie and Rey actually
  • you know
  • seal the deal.
  • Speaks three wookie languages

His problem?

  • Can’t get laid.

Sexxi Points:

  • Knowing multiple languages is always hot
  • Willing to die for his spouse
  • and protect the galaxy and stuff like that
  • is old enough to consent
  • can definitely grow a beard
  • Chest hair can also be nice
sexy-jedi-bubblebath.jpg

I googled ‘Sexy Chewbacca’ and the results were actually pretty tame. Excuse me while I scrub my browser history. Photo credit: Geekologie.

Boner Killers:

  • Bestiality?
  • or…what is the alien form of bestiality?
  • Extraterrestriality?
  • As many characters in the book point out, like
  • what IS Chewie, and can he rationally consent?
  • All of his languages are Wookie languages
  • Like he knows three languages and not one of them can be romantic?
  • Spanish, French, German, Italian maybe?
  • No?
  • Maybe a little too hairy
  • like he’s basically naked all the time, but we never see his
  • A trim will do, that’s all I’m saying.
  • History of crime.

Verdict:

John Green does this world some justice. I really believed I was reading about teenagers who wrote about Chewbacca doing it with Rey, and then argued over whether Chewbacca could or should do it with Rey.

But this Chewbacca is kind of a wuss who keeps letting an annoying secondary character get in the way of doing it. Rating: Semi-boner, if he can prove he’s sentient enough to consent.

Get TATWD and read about Chewbaccas sexcapades. Do you agree? Disagree? Hate me forever? Only time will tell.

 

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Winston Smith from “1984”

Good news: I’m restarting this blog. Bad news: A lot of shit has happened in the past four years to make George Orwell’s 1984 super relevant.

 

 

This book is usually fodder for wanna-be survivalists who think they have it all figured out for when the grid goes down, and you probably had to read it in English class. Or you have to read it for English class now, and you’re scanning my blog for deep analysis.

Or you’re terrified of Donald Trump.

About Winston

  • He’s kind of in this shitty middle class
  • where he’s like,
  • not poor and wandering the street
  • but he likes watching people who ARE poor and wandering the street
  • but Winston is also not high up enough to have luxuries
  • basically, you can have free thought in this society if you’re either super poor
  • or super rich
  • so maybe he should just become poor?

His problem?

  • basically, that he writes shit down
  • like dude
  • use Snapchat
  • or slide into her DMs
  • or make memes like
  • don’t explicitly write down “the government is lying”
  • “and sucks ass”
  • “and I’m gettin’ ass”
  • I guess Orwell couldn’t have envisioned Snap doe.

Sexxi Points

  • I guess that he’s trying to think?
  • and that he can remember stuff for more than a couple of years
  • to know that the news is fake news
  • and the government is changing the news
  • Willing to have forbidden sex
  • Not afraid of aggressive chicks

Boner-Killers

  • writes down all of his crimes
  • rookie mistake dude
  • really enjoys looking at poor people
  • kinda weird
  • after being tortured, sees his ex and instead of wondering how she is
  • like, because she was probably tortured too
  • he’s just like
  • “oh, she got fat.”
  • And he rats her out to the government

The Verdict?

He wants to have the ability to think independently while maintaining his middle-class comforts, a feeling I think many of us can understand. His tendency to write down his crimes in a journal is pretty stupid. He also doesn’t seem capable of love. Or keeping his mouth shut.

Rating: Boner-Killer: He’s a snitch.

 

Pedro from “Like Water for Chocolate” by Laura Esquivel

This would be really romantic if you weren’t married to her sister.

This book had a lot of blah blah about food that I just skipped. I know the recipes had some kind of hidden meaning in the text, but I use Seamless and unsuspecting dates to get food, not my own hands. I mean, I did melt some cheese in a pan today. Does that count?

There was only like, one dude in this whole village. It was so bad that one girl ran away with a soldier and another went to a mental asylum to meet a new man. It was that bad. Aren’t you glad we have dating apps, so that jerks are just a click away?

Here’s Pedro.

About Pedro

  • in love with Tita
  • Mexican
  • that’s about it in terms of details.

His problem?

  • he can’t marry Tita
  • because she’s supposed to never marry and take care of her mom
  • so he marries Tita’s sister to stay close to her
  • creepy?
  • and the sister has all kinds of problems, like bad breath
  • saggy vagina
  • big belly
  • no breast milk
  • vomited her own wedding cake
  • the author just made the sister as unappealing as possible.

If you give a fuck, you can follow the recipes in the book and make stuff. I did not care this much.

Sexxi Points

  • Stuck around? Points for that, maybe?
  • Stuck around for twelve years.
  • Around but not active
  • He never really stood up to Tita’s mom or anything
  • And he married Tita’s sister
  • and cheated on her with Tita
  • and got her pregnant
  • Why can’t anyone just enjoy sex in any of these books?
  • Gross.

Boner-Killers

  • Cheated on his wife with her sister
  • I don’t think he went to college or anything
  • Actually he doesn’t really seem to do anything?
  • What does this cat do?
  • Other than whine and have sex with people’s sisters?

The Verdict?

I’m not down with this dude. His best qualities seem to be staying around and waiting for convenient times to have sex. He’s like mold, if mold had sex. Oh and when he finally can be with Tita, he dies during sex, and then Tita basically kills herself by eating candles. It’s a lot more romantic in the book, but that’s what it amounts to.

Tita, you should have married the dude you met in the mental asylum.

Pedro, go to school, locate your balls, go back in time and make Tita your wife the first time around. All your romantic whining took twelve years and then you died with your pants around your ankles. Not a good look. BONER-KILLER.

The Boy from “Miss Lora” by Junot Diaz

Her ass isn’t THAT flat, I guess.

Just in case you need directions on how to fuck up a relationship (being a teenage boy who pumps lots of iron seems to have something to do with it) then read “This is How You Lose Her” by Junot Diaz.

Here’s the text from “Miss Lora” if you need to try before you buy.

About Unnamed Teenage Boy, called UTB from here on

  • sixteen years old (like Pi Patel!)
  • brother dead from cancer
  • but the brother was a cheater.
  • like their dad.
  • lives in a generally bad area
  • and he’s not really expected to go to college
  • and do stuff with his life
  • but he lifts lots of weights and tries to be a good boyfriend
  • and get laid.

His problem?

    • he has a girlfriend named Paloma
    • who won’t have sex with him
    • because she’s college-bound and she’s worried that UTB is a muscular anchor
    • who will impregnate her
    • and ruin her life and she’ll be another statistic and all that happy stuff
    • UTB is also obsessed with sci-fi and the apocalypse
    • like the movie “Red Dawn.”
    • and a single older woman in the neighborhood is hitting on him
    • but she has no tits and ass.
    • but she’s kinda interested in his mind and life
    • and not just his dick.

 

Basically, if you want to lose her, you can cheat on her, ignore her, don’t stick up for her while your brother bangs her, make sure she’s much older than you so things can never get serious, or let her get her teeth knocked out by chick gangs. This is pretty much what I learned from this book.

Sexxi Points

  • Seems to be smart and in generally good shape
  • tries really hard to go down on Paloma
  • but she doesn’t let him…what?
  • she must not really know how pregnancy works
  • I mean, not giving up the pussy, I can understand, but not even oral?
  • I mean, REALLY?
  • This part of the story kind of annoyed me, if you can’t tell
  • Very idealistic
  • and romantic
  • and ultimately he is college bound!
  • and willing to date a bald girl in college

Boner-Killers

  • he seems innocent enough, but he does end up cheating on Paloma with the old lady
  • which I guess I could forgive because he’s sixteen
  • and she’s in her thirties
  • and she’s kinda raping/taking advantage of him
  • and he’s just a horny teenager.
  • but you know, he whines about what a piece of crap his dad and brother were, and goes and does the same thing
  • although I get the feeling he’ll grow out of those issues
  • very premature ejaculation during sex.
  • And he’s obsessed with “Red Dawn.”
  • That counts as two strikes
  • like, more than the whole cheating thing.

The Verdict?

Since Paloma ended their long relationship the moment she went away to college, his infidelity doesn’t seem too bad. He definitely didn’t seem to be stringing Paloma along — UTB was clearly a placeholder for her until she could find the dude she really wanted.

It’s a little sad that he was taken advantage of by the old lady, but you can really see UTB is going to grow up into a great bf. Sorry you were treated like crap, UTB, better luck next time. Call me when you’re 30. Rating: bien sexxi.

 

Monk from “Erasure” by Percival Everett

About Thelonius ‘Monk’ from Erasure

  • moderately successful novelist
  • criticized for not being ‘black’ enough
  • smart enough to know race is a social construct
  • and that he’s actually a shade of brown, not black

His problem?

  • mom has Alzheimer’s
  • gay brother is getting divorced/losing his family/losing his moneys
  • abortionist sister doctor murdered by religious people
  • he writes a parody of a ‘black’ novel and it ends up becoming a best-seller, and he has to pretend to be two people
  • and it’s really annoying because he won’t stop whining about it
  • but he uses the money to help out his family and stuff, so that’s cool I guess

This sells, Monk. Deal with it.

Sexxi Points

  • he turns down sex if you’re pathetically desperate
  • or if you have bad taste in literature
  • no really, he will leave you crying half-naked even with a raging boner
  • he’s willing to stick up for gay dudes being hassled at a bar
  • even though they end up not needing his help
  • oh, and he loves his mom, which is good

Boner-Killers

  • he’s basically Holden Caulfield, but ten years older and a sell-out
  • he is incapable of shutting the fuck up about how he was his father’s favorite child
  • and just fuck someone.

The Verdict?

Whining aside, Monk is still sexxi as hell. His ability to turn down sex had me slipping over my own vaginal juices. Rating: bien sexxi.