Augustus Waters from “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green.

You’ve probably seen this everywhere. Here it is again.

I’ll end my hiatus with The Fault in Our Stars because everyone on Tumblr is urinating themselves over it.

First of all, let me say that this was a good book, despite having a touch of Precious-pelting syndrome. PPS is when a story just throws one horrible thing after another at a character. PPS is named for the book Precious, for obvious reasons. There comes a point where so many bad things can happen to the people in your book that it stops being dramatic and starts being funny. TFIOS does not have full-blown PPS, but is in the beginning stages of it, like me with diabetes in third grade.

So here goes. Let’s rate Augustus Waters!

About Augustus

  • cancer survivor
  • but not really
  • pretentious name
  • prone to weird outbursts that he thinks are badass
  • but are really just kind of lame and funny

His problem?

  • all the people he cares for have cancer
  • he has cancer and doesn’t know it
  • cancer

Sexxi Points

  • supports his best friend
  • who loses both eyes due to cancer
  • helps Hazel find the author of some book
  • because she’s really upset because it doesn’t end
  • he writes part of the end of the book for her
  • he’s sort of sweet when he’s not being Holden Caulfield
  • but he has lots of Holden moments
  • a Holden moment is a white privilege hipster moment
  • but I’ll get to that later.

Boner-Killers

  • he’s really into V for Vendetta
  • like, still.
  • that whole cigarette thing
  • I mean, you know you’re still giving cigarette companies money, right?
  • And they kill millions of people each year?
  • You don’t have to smoke cigarettes to support evil tobacco companies
  • you just have to hand over your money
  • which you do
  • you’re supporting cancer, Augustus
  • more like ‘the fault in our logic.’
  • I really almost stopped reading at that ‘it’s a metaphor’ part
  • for those of you who don’t know, Augustus Waters sucks on unlit cigarettes
  • as a metaphor.
  • yeah it’s dumb.
  • what else
  • well
  • he’s dies
  • so that would impact our relationship
  • and he’s 16.

The Verdict?

Well he dies at the end and he’s underage so, I would be really gross if I hit on this dude. Rating: N/A

Also, can I just say, the whole losing your virginity, having sex once, and then dying thing? Barf. Reeks of puritan bullshit. They should have had a LOT. MORE. SECKS.

Get The Fault in Our Stars if you haven’t already been put off by my review.

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Chase from “Crank” by Ellen Hopkins

Meth is like one of those, “I give up on life totally” drugs.

Crank is filled with sleazebags, rapists, absent fathers and drug addicts who drive their girlfriends to suicide. It was hard enough to find anyone of value. So here’s Chase, the only real good guy from “Crank.” Let’s see how good he really is.

About Chase

  • takes drugs
  • pimply
  • high school student
  • has somewhat of a future

His problem?

  • He is in love with a girl
  • who is pregnant with another man’s baby
  • and she’s addicted to meth
  • he might be addicted, but probably not
  • jury is out on this one.

From Faces of Meth. These photos were taken 2.5 years apart. TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

Sexxi Points

  • doesn’t want to have sex with a girl who was just raped
  • like, cares about her state of mind
  • sort of
  • is willing to stay with her even though she’s having another man’s baby

Boner-Killers

  • he doesn’t really make Kristina go to the doctor
  • or the cops
  • after the rape
  • I mean he just kind of is like
  • maybe we should wait a week before having sex
  • he also takes meth with her
  • and introduces her to a bunch of other drugs
  • like E.

The Verdict?

He seems like he could potentially be a decent guy, and he probably is, for his age. But he’s a little too passive and a little too destructive, and I’m not seeing a whole lot of stunning qualities. He is willing to stay with his girlfriend through her pregnancy, but the book ends before we can see if he really sticks it out. Rating: Meth is bad. Do not date boys who take meth.

Get Crank on Amazon.

Aslan from “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” by CS Lewis

Wow, someone made a sexy Mr. Tumnus. I may have to do this next. Damn.

I first had to read this book when I was in Catholic school. I don’t want to hear about how Aslan symbolizes Jesus, or how having sex with animals is wrong. We all know Aslan the Lion is supposed to be a badass rugged dude. And, since he’s sentient and self-aware and all that, I’m going to count him as human, not animal.

About Aslan

  • He’s a lion
  • he’s supposed to rule Narnia
  • but he’s not there for some reason
  • kinda like Simba in The Lion King.

His problem?

  • he’s a savior
  • so he’s doomed to die
  • but he wants to or something

This was actually the tamest sexy fanart I could find. I found this other one where the beast was having sex with Scar, but it was a little much.

Sexxi Points

  • he’s this rugged, self-sacrificing, giant lion
  • who is smart
  • so it’s totally fine to be in love with him
  • hey, you all saw Beauty and the Beast
  • you all know she had sex with a lion
  • so don’t pretend this is weird.
  • he gave up himself to the witch
  • to save Edmund
  • the little boy
  • who was kind of a little shit

Boner-Killers

  • absent
  • lets the witch take control for a while
  • and that prevents Christmas from happening
  • even though like,
  • if Aslan was just there the whole time
  • Christmas would continue on
  • don’t really understand why he was gone for so long
  • letting Narnia go to hell and all.
  • He also makes Peter a knight
  • and he’s a little kid
  • way to use child soldiers, Aslan
  • came back from the dead
  • I’m a little weird about screwing things that were once dead
  • it’s not entirely a deal breaker, though

The Verdict?

It would have been cool and self-sacrificing if Aslan really gave himself up to save Edmund. But really, Aslan knew there was a “deeper magic” or whatever, so he already knew that if the witch killed him in Edmund’s place, that he’d come back.

So it’s like, he didn’t really sacrifice himself, because he knew he would come back to life. So that whole sentimental thing was phony.

Rating: Boner-Killer. Not because he’s a lion, or Jesus, but because he’s a phony at the end of the day.

Haven’t read it? You can fix that.

Hagrid from the Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

LEGO HAGRID YES.

I’m not interested in Harry because he’s like, a child for most of the series. That’s a little too creepy. While we all know Harry ends up becoming a grown ass hottie, I can’t in good faith analyze things he did when he was 10.

So who was an adult at the start? Who hasn’t been done to death?

Fuckin’ Hagrid.

About Hagrid:

  • saves Harry from an abusive relationship
  • introduces him to his secret wizard-ing life
  • he’s basically the bouncer of Hogwarts.

His problem?

  • Generally monster-like, misunderstood, coarse and potentially unlovable.

He’s just…a little TOO big.

Sexxi Points

  • I like the whole, saving a kid from an abusive foster home
  • and then giving him lots of money
  • and helping him save the world and stuff
  • and how he can take care of dragons
  • he’s half-human, half-giant
  • and I’m a mixed kid
  • basically the same, right?
  • oh, and he’s always carrying people
  • so that’s nice, he could like
  • save me from a burning building

Boner-Killers

  • bathing?
  • communicating?
  • inside voice maybe?
  • shaving?
  • he cries too much
  • I can’t understand WTF he’s saying.
  • if he’s five times as wide as a normal man…
  • I mean
  • there’s such a thing as “too big.”
  • there’s definitely a sort of
  • I mean
  • haven’t you heard of the law of diminishing returns?

The Verdict?

I think we should just be friends partially because having sex with you would feel like childbirth. Rating: You Can Go Down on Me But That’s It.

Frankenstein from “Frankenstein” by Mary Shelley.

Why was this the cover? If this is how the monster looked, everything would have been just fine. Give him pants and he’d be the Marlboro Man.

I’m talking about Victor Frankenstein, the doctor who made the monster, not the monster himself.

About Victor

  • collects a bunch of dead body parts
  • makes a dude
  • abandons it because he thinks it’s gross

His problem?

  • the monster made of dead parts starts stalking him
  • kind of like that guy I went on one date with who asked me to marry him
  • actually, nothing like that.

Behold, cutie Victor Frankenweenie.

Sexxi Points

  • educated
  • motivated
  • likes to travel
  • but most of that is fleeing/collecting corpses

Boner-Killers

  • he’s been in jail
  • for murder
  • I mean, he didn’t COMMIT the murder
  • but that’s going to affect his chances at teaching in a university
  • he’s not a good listener
  • the monster he made just wants to get laid
  • and he’s really mean
  • oh, he kinda married his sister
  • they didn’t have sex because then she was murdered
  • but still, married his sister.
  • people around him are constantly being killed by the monster he created
  • and he’s really bad at protecting his loved ones
  • he just keeps having mental breakdowns
  • that part is really annoying.

The Verdict?

Now you know the difference between Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s monster. Oh yeah, Rating: NO. DO NOT BANG.

He’s been touching lots of dead bodies. You don’t want embalming fluid in your snatch. I mean, I don’t know exactly what that would do, but it can’t be good.

The Savage from “Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley

For everyone here who got here because they’re in Honors English, BNW is basically “Wall-E” but for adults.

Huxley predicted the Wall-E-ification of humanity while dystopian writers like Orwell thought we’d all live in a military state. Huxley was like no way, that shit takes too much effort. Just feed them. A lot. Huxley saw how to control others by keeping them fat and happy (I say this in front of my computer while writing my pointless blog and watching King of the Hill reruns and eating bread saturated with butter and garlic).

If you’re reading this, you’re probably a student looking for answers to your homework or some bullshit like that. I’m going to tell you why you shouldn’t have sex with this fictional character. In the long run, I’m providing much more useful literary analysis.

About The Savage

  • he’s really dramatic
  • like, who falls to his knees in a crowded room
  • and yells
  • “MY FATHER!!!”
  • he’s the bastard son of a drug addict
  • and was living on an Indian reservation-type place
  • where he read lots of Shakespeare?

His problem?

  • he’s taken from the reservation
  • and introduced to normal fucked up society
  • where everyone takes drugs and fornicates and no one has babies
  • so like, NYU on an average Thursday
  • Brave New World is NYU on an average Thursday
  • or Monday
  • Brave New World is NYU any day of the week
  • and he really hates it
  • because it’s debauched.
  • Kinda like NYU.

How about the right to take me to dinner on a Friday? What about that? Why did you jump straight to syphilis?

Sexxi Points

  • he knows lots of pretty poems
  • seems really romantic
  • likes thick women
  • I like men who like thick women
  • In case that wasn’t clear.
  • He seems caring and stuff.

Boner-Killers

  • slut-shames this chick for coming on to him
  • like, calls her a harlot or a strumpet
  • or something equally stupid
  • and she just wanted the D
  • I mean, do they not have any horny chicks on the reservation?
  • he whips himself
  • he participates in an orgy and then kills himself
  • he’s just a drama Queen all around.

The Verdict?

There’s a balance between porno kisses and killing yourself for having sex once. I mean, none of these literary characters seem capable of going to a movie and then going for a walk. Tone it tone, Savage boy. I’m sure you’re pretty hot but you’re killing it. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Tobias from “Animorphs” by KA Applegate.

Wow, this is pretty much exactly as I imagined him.

Who remembers the Animorphs series? Teenagers turn into animals, fight brain-sucking aliens, save the world, lose their souls in the process. In addition to featuring lots of animal sounds, unlikely escapes, and the assistance of a godlike-entity named the Ellimist, the Animorphs also features a tortured soul, whom I love.

Special thanks to the Moonlight Library for the inspiration for this post.

About Tobias

  • he’s sort of homeless
  • and bounces around between his aunt and uncle
  • who don’t care about him
  • he thinks his mom is crazy
  • but she’s not
  • she was just like, kidnapped by aliens
  • and then married/had sex with one
  • and then the Ellimist took her hot alien man away
  • so she’s a little sore about that.
  • but anyway back to Tobias
  • he’s half-Andalite.
  • Andalites are sexy centaurs
  • who eat through their feet

His problem?

  • He’s trapped in a hawk’s body
  • He has to save the world from invading aliens

Sexxi Points

  • half centaur sexy alien
  • natural warrior or something
  • saving the world
  • has mind-speaking powers
  • and the Ellimist gives him back his morphing powers
  • and the ability to temporarily change from hawk to his human form
  • but only for two hours

Boner-Killers

  • the two hour rule means he can only bone for two hours
  • I mean, I guess he can go into the bathroom
  • morph into a bird
  • then back into a human
  • and go again
  • he’s got a lot of deeply-rooted childhood neglect issues
  • and self-worth/identity issues
  • and I do too, so that wouldn’t work
  • I need someone with the opposite problem so we can balance out
  • like an overinflated ego! Yes. Perfect.
  • anyway
  • he eats roadkill
  • and mice
  • and stuff hawks eat because he’s a hawk
  • and he has a life expectancy of not very long
  • since he’s a damn bird.

The Verdict?

I guess two hours isn’t that bad, but he’s going to have to morph/remorph for proper cuddles. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Did you crush on anyone from the series? Is there an alien you’d bang? What about the Hork-Bajir?

Deuce Garland from “Unmentionables” by Laurie Loewenstein.

Don’t worry. It’s not really about underwear.

“Unmentionables” is a book about a forward-thinking feminist named Marian trapped in a more conservative town. Like, back in the day. Like, back during WWI or something.

Anyway, this guy named Deuce helps her out and defends her. Let’s see how he measures up to 2014 standards.

About Deuce

  • runs a newspaper for his father-in-law
  • is kinda pussy-whipped by him
  • his wife is dead
  • his daughter wants to move to Chicago
  • he wants to do other stuff, too
  • but again, pussy-whipped by the father-in-law

His problem?

  • he has to take care of this heathen woman from up East, then he falls in love with her.

Women like Marian aren’t just make-believe. Go Wendy go!

Sexxi Points

  • forward-thinking
  • like, he thinks women should be able to do things
  • like have jobs
  • and travel
  • he’s part black
  • which I like because I’m mixed
  • but in that time period, it makes him like
  • a pariah
  • but 2014 is all about mixed-race babies
  • so chic!
  • anyway
  • he also is against children dying from contaminated milk
  • hey, in 1917, you gotta take a stand against stuff like that
  • stands up for a black kid who was killed by racist assholes
  • and testifies against the racist assholes
  • is willing to have premarital sex
  • that counts twice considering the time period.

Boner-Killers

  • kind of a pushover
  • like, first he does what the father-in-law says
  • then he just does what Marian says
  • then he just does what his daughter says
  • HAVE YOUR OWN OPINIONS SOMETIMES
  • FOR A GUY WHO RUNS A NEWSPAPER YOU REALLY HAVE NO SPINE

The Verdict?

His work defending women and minorities in a backwards-ass town wins him lots and lots of points.

BTW, even in 2014, women need defending. GO WENDY GO!

Anyway, I think you know my verdict already. A mixed-race gentleman who owns a newspaper? WIN. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Pedro from “Like Water for Chocolate” by Laura Esquivel

This would be really romantic if you weren’t married to her sister.

This book had a lot of blah blah about food that I just skipped. I know the recipes had some kind of hidden meaning in the text, but I use Seamless and unsuspecting dates to get food, not my own hands. I mean, I did melt some cheese in a pan today. Does that count?

There was only like, one dude in this whole village. It was so bad that one girl ran away with a soldier and another went to a mental asylum to meet a new man. It was that bad. Aren’t you glad we have dating apps, so that jerks are just a click away?

Here’s Pedro.

About Pedro

  • in love with Tita
  • Mexican
  • that’s about it in terms of details.

His problem?

  • he can’t marry Tita
  • because she’s supposed to never marry and take care of her mom
  • so he marries Tita’s sister to stay close to her
  • creepy?
  • and the sister has all kinds of problems, like bad breath
  • saggy vagina
  • big belly
  • no breast milk
  • vomited her own wedding cake
  • the author just made the sister as unappealing as possible.

If you give a fuck, you can follow the recipes in the book and make stuff. I did not care this much.

Sexxi Points

  • Stuck around? Points for that, maybe?
  • Stuck around for twelve years.
  • Around but not active
  • He never really stood up to Tita’s mom or anything
  • And he married Tita’s sister
  • and cheated on her with Tita
  • and got her pregnant
  • Why can’t anyone just enjoy sex in any of these books?
  • Gross.

Boner-Killers

  • Cheated on his wife with her sister
  • I don’t think he went to college or anything
  • Actually he doesn’t really seem to do anything?
  • What does this cat do?
  • Other than whine and have sex with people’s sisters?

The Verdict?

I’m not down with this dude. His best qualities seem to be staying around and waiting for convenient times to have sex. He’s like mold, if mold had sex. Oh and when he finally can be with Tita, he dies during sex, and then Tita basically kills herself by eating candles. It’s a lot more romantic in the book, but that’s what it amounts to.

Tita, you should have married the dude you met in the mental asylum.

Pedro, go to school, locate your balls, go back in time and make Tita your wife the first time around. All your romantic whining took twelve years and then you died with your pants around your ankles. Not a good look. BONER-KILLER.

Joseph from “Breath, Eyes, Memory” by Edwidge Danticat

In my fantasy dream world, this Joseph would play that Joseph.

There’s only one male character in this book who isn’t a rapist, so I thought I’d focus on him. Dudes are pretty much on the back-burner in this whole novel. It’s a really beautiful, poetic story about a woman coming into her own. Naturally, I’m going to dissect it.

About Joseph

  • American
  • white
  • goes from “hi” to “let’s get married” pretty damn fast
  • in a band, travels a lot
  • not a rapist
  • Not being a rapist is a really important quality in a man.

His problem?

  • he’s married to a girl who has a lot of sex issues
  • and identity issues
  • because her mom used to stick her fingers in her no-no places
  • to make sure she still had a hymen
  • so she sodomized herself with a cooking utensil
  • and ran away from home
  • to be with Joseph
  • but then she ran away from Joseph to Haiti
  • so that she wouldn’t need to deal with her sex issues?
  • I mean, that’s basically his problem.
  • Oh yeah, and he doesn’t have a real job.

A lot of these folks would have benefited from some self-love and sex ed.

Sexxi Points

  • very understanding
  • and caring
  • and a musician
  • not racist
  • not a rapist
  • these things are very important
  • very
  • very
  • important

Boner-Killers

  • travels a lot because he’s a musician
  • got his girl pregnant the first time they had sex
  • like, she didn’t even have a chance to get over all her sex issues
  • it was like, boom, pregnant
  • and I kind of hate him for that
  • like really, you couldn’t pull out or use a condom for at least a little bit?
  • or maybe just do oral for the first couple of months?
  • Just like, “oh, your mom tortured you and you ran away from home to be with me, let me just
  • put a baby in you ASAP.”
  • Ew, Joseph. Ew.

The Verdict?

Your penis must have some kind of crazy GPS navigation to the unfertilized eggs. I’m not interested in that. I also don’t want to run away from home and then completely depend on you and have you impregnate me. Everything about this sounds awful. You still get points for not being a rapist or a racist, so I’ll come listen to your band at Rockwood or something. Rating: BONER-KILLER.