Winston Smith from “1984”

Good news: I’m restarting this blog. Bad news: A lot of shit has happened in the past four years to make George Orwell’s 1984 super relevant.

 

 

This book is usually fodder for wanna-be survivalists who think they have it all figured out for when the grid goes down, and you probably had to read it in English class. Or you have to read it for English class now, and you’re scanning my blog for deep analysis.

Or you’re terrified of Donald Trump.

About Winston

  • He’s kind of in this shitty middle class
  • where he’s like,
  • not poor and wandering the street
  • but he likes watching people who ARE poor and wandering the street
  • but Winston is also not high up enough to have luxuries
  • basically, you can have free thought in this society if you’re either super poor
  • or super rich
  • so maybe he should just become poor?

His problem?

  • basically, that he writes shit down
  • like dude
  • use Snapchat
  • or slide into her DMs
  • or make memes like
  • don’t explicitly write down “the government is lying”
  • “and sucks ass”
  • “and I’m gettin’ ass”
  • I guess Orwell couldn’t have envisioned Snap doe.

Sexxi Points

  • I guess that he’s trying to think?
  • and that he can remember stuff for more than a couple of years
  • to know that the news is fake news
  • and the government is changing the news
  • Willing to have forbidden sex
  • Not afraid of aggressive chicks

Boner-Killers

  • writes down all of his crimes
  • rookie mistake dude
  • really enjoys looking at poor people
  • kinda weird
  • after being tortured, sees his ex and instead of wondering how she is
  • like, because she was probably tortured too
  • he’s just like
  • “oh, she got fat.”
  • And he rats her out to the government

The Verdict?

He wants to have the ability to think independently while maintaining his middle-class comforts, a feeling I think many of us can understand. His tendency to write down his crimes in a journal is pretty stupid. He also doesn’t seem capable of love. Or keeping his mouth shut.

Rating: Boner-Killer: He’s a snitch.

 

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The Savage from “Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley

For everyone here who got here because they’re in Honors English, BNW is basically “Wall-E” but for adults.

Huxley predicted the Wall-E-ification of humanity while dystopian writers like Orwell thought we’d all live in a military state. Huxley was like no way, that shit takes too much effort. Just feed them. A lot. Huxley saw how to control others by keeping them fat and happy (I say this in front of my computer while writing my pointless blog and watching King of the Hill reruns and eating bread saturated with butter and garlic).

If you’re reading this, you’re probably a student looking for answers to your homework or some bullshit like that. I’m going to tell you why you shouldn’t have sex with this fictional character. In the long run, I’m providing much more useful literary analysis.

About The Savage

  • he’s really dramatic
  • like, who falls to his knees in a crowded room
  • and yells
  • “MY FATHER!!!”
  • he’s the bastard son of a drug addict
  • and was living on an Indian reservation-type place
  • where he read lots of Shakespeare?

His problem?

  • he’s taken from the reservation
  • and introduced to normal fucked up society
  • where everyone takes drugs and fornicates and no one has babies
  • so like, NYU on an average Thursday
  • Brave New World is NYU on an average Thursday
  • or Monday
  • Brave New World is NYU any day of the week
  • and he really hates it
  • because it’s debauched.
  • Kinda like NYU.

How about the right to take me to dinner on a Friday? What about that? Why did you jump straight to syphilis?

Sexxi Points

  • he knows lots of pretty poems
  • seems really romantic
  • likes thick women
  • I like men who like thick women
  • In case that wasn’t clear.
  • He seems caring and stuff.

Boner-Killers

  • slut-shames this chick for coming on to him
  • like, calls her a harlot or a strumpet
  • or something equally stupid
  • and she just wanted the D
  • I mean, do they not have any horny chicks on the reservation?
  • he whips himself
  • he participates in an orgy and then kills himself
  • he’s just a drama Queen all around.

The Verdict?

There’s a balance between porno kisses and killing yourself for having sex once. I mean, none of these literary characters seem capable of going to a movie and then going for a walk. Tone it tone, Savage boy. I’m sure you’re pretty hot but you’re killing it. Rating: BONER-KILLER.