LEGO HAGRID YES.

I’m not interested in Harry because he’s like, a child for most of the series. That’s a little too creepy. While we all know Harry ends up becoming a grown ass hottie, I can’t in good faith analyze things he did when he was 10.

So who was an adult at the start? Who hasn’t been done to death?

Fuckin’ Hagrid.

About Hagrid:

• saves Harry from an abusive relationship
• introduces him to his secret wizard-ing life
• he’s basically the bouncer of Hogwarts.

His problem?

• Generally monster-like, misunderstood, coarse and potentially unlovable.

He’s just…a little TOO big.

Sexxi Points

• I like the whole, saving a kid from an abusive foster home
• and then giving him lots of money
• and helping him save the world and stuff
• and how he can take care of dragons
• he’s half-human, half-giant
• and I’m a mixed kid
• basically the same, right?
• oh, and he’s always carrying people
• so that’s nice, he could like
• save me from a burning building

Boner-Killers

• bathing?
• communicating?
• inside voice maybe?
• shaving?
• he cries too much
• I can’t understand WTF he’s saying.
• if he’s five times as wide as a normal man…
• I mean
• there’s such a thing as “too big.”
• there’s definitely a sort of
• I mean
• haven’t you heard of the law of diminishing returns?

The Verdict?

I think we should just be friends partially because having sex with you would feel like childbirth. Rating: You Can Go Down on Me But That’s It.