Chewbacca from “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green

YA books are always tricky because, well, the characters are underage. So I decided to review the one sexually active, male character in the book who is definitely of legal age . . . because he is from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Chewbacca.

chewbacca

Criminal. Protector of the universe. Participant in No-Shave-November. Photo credit: Wookieepedia

Keep in mind that I will be reviewing Chewbacca as he appears in “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green and not necessarily how he appears in the Star Wars movies.

Get it? Got it? Good.

About Chewie in TATWD:

  • Is a character of Star Wars erotic fan fiction written by Daisy
  • (best friend of the main character)
  • Dating Rey
  • That’s right, Chewie is dating Rey.
  • Owes a life debt to a really annoying character
  • who he should really just let die
  • because in all of Daisy’s fan fiction, it doesn’t seem like Chewie and Rey actually
  • you know
  • seal the deal.
  • Speaks three wookie languages

His problem?

  • Can’t get laid.

Sexxi Points:

  • Knowing multiple languages is always hot
  • Willing to die for his spouse
  • and protect the galaxy and stuff like that
  • is old enough to consent
  • can definitely grow a beard
  • Chest hair can also be nice
sexy-jedi-bubblebath.jpg

I googled ‘Sexy Chewbacca’ and the results were actually pretty tame. Excuse me while I scrub my browser history. Photo credit: Geekologie.

Boner Killers:

  • Bestiality?
  • or…what is the alien form of bestiality?
  • Extraterrestriality?
  • As many characters in the book point out, like
  • what IS Chewie, and can he rationally consent?
  • All of his languages are Wookie languages
  • Like he knows three languages and not one of them can be romantic?
  • Spanish, French, German, Italian maybe?
  • No?
  • Maybe a little too hairy
  • like he’s basically naked all the time, but we never see his
  • A trim will do, that’s all I’m saying.
  • History of crime.

Verdict:

John Green does this world some justice. I really believed I was reading about teenagers who wrote about Chewbacca doing it with Rey, and then argued over whether Chewbacca could or should do it with Rey.

But this Chewbacca is kind of a wuss who keeps letting an annoying secondary character get in the way of doing it. Rating: Semi-boner, if he can prove he’s sentient enough to consent.

Get TATWD and read about Chewbaccas sexcapades. Do you agree? Disagree? Hate me forever? Only time will tell.

 

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Winston Smith from “1984”

Good news: I’m restarting this blog. Bad news: A lot of shit has happened in the past four years to make George Orwell’s 1984 super relevant.

 

 

This book is usually fodder for wanna-be survivalists who think they have it all figured out for when the grid goes down, and you probably had to read it in English class. Or you have to read it for English class now, and you’re scanning my blog for deep analysis.

Or you’re terrified of Donald Trump.

About Winston

  • He’s kind of in this shitty middle class
  • where he’s like,
  • not poor and wandering the street
  • but he likes watching people who ARE poor and wandering the street
  • but Winston is also not high up enough to have luxuries
  • basically, you can have free thought in this society if you’re either super poor
  • or super rich
  • so maybe he should just become poor?

His problem?

  • basically, that he writes shit down
  • like dude
  • use Snapchat
  • or slide into her DMs
  • or make memes like
  • don’t explicitly write down “the government is lying”
  • “and sucks ass”
  • “and I’m gettin’ ass”
  • I guess Orwell couldn’t have envisioned Snap doe.

Sexxi Points

  • I guess that he’s trying to think?
  • and that he can remember stuff for more than a couple of years
  • to know that the news is fake news
  • and the government is changing the news
  • Willing to have forbidden sex
  • Not afraid of aggressive chicks

Boner-Killers

  • writes down all of his crimes
  • rookie mistake dude
  • really enjoys looking at poor people
  • kinda weird
  • after being tortured, sees his ex and instead of wondering how she is
  • like, because she was probably tortured too
  • he’s just like
  • “oh, she got fat.”
  • And he rats her out to the government

The Verdict?

He wants to have the ability to think independently while maintaining his middle-class comforts, a feeling I think many of us can understand. His tendency to write down his crimes in a journal is pretty stupid. He also doesn’t seem capable of love. Or keeping his mouth shut.

Rating: Boner-Killer: He’s a snitch.

 

The Savage from “Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley

For everyone here who got here because they’re in Honors English, BNW is basically “Wall-E” but for adults.

Huxley predicted the Wall-E-ification of humanity while dystopian writers like Orwell thought we’d all live in a military state. Huxley was like no way, that shit takes too much effort. Just feed them. A lot. Huxley saw how to control others by keeping them fat and happy (I say this in front of my computer while writing my pointless blog and watching King of the Hill reruns and eating bread saturated with butter and garlic).

If you’re reading this, you’re probably a student looking for answers to your homework or some bullshit like that. I’m going to tell you why you shouldn’t have sex with this fictional character. In the long run, I’m providing much more useful literary analysis.

About The Savage

  • he’s really dramatic
  • like, who falls to his knees in a crowded room
  • and yells
  • “MY FATHER!!!”
  • he’s the bastard son of a drug addict
  • and was living on an Indian reservation-type place
  • where he read lots of Shakespeare?

His problem?

  • he’s taken from the reservation
  • and introduced to normal fucked up society
  • where everyone takes drugs and fornicates and no one has babies
  • so like, NYU on an average Thursday
  • Brave New World is NYU on an average Thursday
  • or Monday
  • Brave New World is NYU any day of the week
  • and he really hates it
  • because it’s debauched.
  • Kinda like NYU.

How about the right to take me to dinner on a Friday? What about that? Why did you jump straight to syphilis?

Sexxi Points

  • he knows lots of pretty poems
  • seems really romantic
  • likes thick women
  • I like men who like thick women
  • In case that wasn’t clear.
  • He seems caring and stuff.

Boner-Killers

  • slut-shames this chick for coming on to him
  • like, calls her a harlot or a strumpet
  • or something equally stupid
  • and she just wanted the D
  • I mean, do they not have any horny chicks on the reservation?
  • he whips himself
  • he participates in an orgy and then kills himself
  • he’s just a drama Queen all around.

The Verdict?

There’s a balance between porno kisses and killing yourself for having sex once. I mean, none of these literary characters seem capable of going to a movie and then going for a walk. Tone it tone, Savage boy. I’m sure you’re pretty hot but you’re killing it. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Tobias from “Animorphs” by KA Applegate.

Wow, this is pretty much exactly as I imagined him.

Who remembers the Animorphs series? Teenagers turn into animals, fight brain-sucking aliens, save the world, lose their souls in the process. In addition to featuring lots of animal sounds, unlikely escapes, and the assistance of a godlike-entity named the Ellimist, the Animorphs also features a tortured soul, whom I love.

Special thanks to the Moonlight Library for the inspiration for this post.

About Tobias

  • he’s sort of homeless
  • and bounces around between his aunt and uncle
  • who don’t care about him
  • he thinks his mom is crazy
  • but she’s not
  • she was just like, kidnapped by aliens
  • and then married/had sex with one
  • and then the Ellimist took her hot alien man away
  • so she’s a little sore about that.
  • but anyway back to Tobias
  • he’s half-Andalite.
  • Andalites are sexy centaurs
  • who eat through their feet

His problem?

  • He’s trapped in a hawk’s body
  • He has to save the world from invading aliens

Sexxi Points

  • half centaur sexy alien
  • natural warrior or something
  • saving the world
  • has mind-speaking powers
  • and the Ellimist gives him back his morphing powers
  • and the ability to temporarily change from hawk to his human form
  • but only for two hours

Boner-Killers

  • the two hour rule means he can only bone for two hours
  • I mean, I guess he can go into the bathroom
  • morph into a bird
  • then back into a human
  • and go again
  • he’s got a lot of deeply-rooted childhood neglect issues
  • and self-worth/identity issues
  • and I do too, so that wouldn’t work
  • I need someone with the opposite problem so we can balance out
  • like an overinflated ego! Yes. Perfect.
  • anyway
  • he eats roadkill
  • and mice
  • and stuff hawks eat because he’s a hawk
  • and he has a life expectancy of not very long
  • since he’s a damn bird.

The Verdict?

I guess two hours isn’t that bad, but he’s going to have to morph/remorph for proper cuddles. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Did you crush on anyone from the series? Is there an alien you’d bang? What about the Hork-Bajir?

Frankenstein’s MONSTER from “Frankenstein’s Bitch” by K.J. Burkhardt.

Thank God this book costs less than a dollar.

I know I’m fighting a losing battle, but people:

FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR WHO MADE THE MONSTER.

THE MONSTER IS CALLED ‘FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER.’

Oh and on the cover, they actually spelled ‘Frankenstein’ incorrectly. Der.

Obviously, I didn’t spend 99 cents on ‘Frankenstein’s Bitch‘ expecting a new literary classic, and I was right. This author is in dire need of an editor. But anyway, here we go.

About Frankenstein’s Monster

  • 7-inch flaccid penis
  • unknown full size
  • seems confused during sex?
  • composed of dead body parts

His problem?

  • Needs to get laid?

Sexxi Points

  • He just kind of is asleep
  • and then has sex with you
  • he doesn’t talk
  • that’s the best part
  • he’s like a real-life vibrator

Boner-Killers

  • he’s dead
  • doesn’t take you to dinner
  • the female he’s screwing keeps noticing how “sad” he is
  • I dunno, wouldn’t that be a turn off?
  • If the hot dead dude you’re boning is constantly
  • showing his emotional pain?
  • This wasn’t much of a fantasy for me.

The Verdict?

Uhhh don’t fuck dead dudes, guys. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

 

Pedro from “Like Water for Chocolate” by Laura Esquivel

This would be really romantic if you weren’t married to her sister.

This book had a lot of blah blah about food that I just skipped. I know the recipes had some kind of hidden meaning in the text, but I use Seamless and unsuspecting dates to get food, not my own hands. I mean, I did melt some cheese in a pan today. Does that count?

There was only like, one dude in this whole village. It was so bad that one girl ran away with a soldier and another went to a mental asylum to meet a new man. It was that bad. Aren’t you glad we have dating apps, so that jerks are just a click away?

Here’s Pedro.

About Pedro

  • in love with Tita
  • Mexican
  • that’s about it in terms of details.

His problem?

  • he can’t marry Tita
  • because she’s supposed to never marry and take care of her mom
  • so he marries Tita’s sister to stay close to her
  • creepy?
  • and the sister has all kinds of problems, like bad breath
  • saggy vagina
  • big belly
  • no breast milk
  • vomited her own wedding cake
  • the author just made the sister as unappealing as possible.

If you give a fuck, you can follow the recipes in the book and make stuff. I did not care this much.

Sexxi Points

  • Stuck around? Points for that, maybe?
  • Stuck around for twelve years.
  • Around but not active
  • He never really stood up to Tita’s mom or anything
  • And he married Tita’s sister
  • and cheated on her with Tita
  • and got her pregnant
  • Why can’t anyone just enjoy sex in any of these books?
  • Gross.

Boner-Killers

  • Cheated on his wife with her sister
  • I don’t think he went to college or anything
  • Actually he doesn’t really seem to do anything?
  • What does this cat do?
  • Other than whine and have sex with people’s sisters?

The Verdict?

I’m not down with this dude. His best qualities seem to be staying around and waiting for convenient times to have sex. He’s like mold, if mold had sex. Oh and when he finally can be with Tita, he dies during sex, and then Tita basically kills herself by eating candles. It’s a lot more romantic in the book, but that’s what it amounts to.

Tita, you should have married the dude you met in the mental asylum.

Pedro, go to school, locate your balls, go back in time and make Tita your wife the first time around. All your romantic whining took twelve years and then you died with your pants around your ankles. Not a good look. BONER-KILLER.

Joseph from “Breath, Eyes, Memory” by Edwidge Danticat

In my fantasy dream world, this Joseph would play that Joseph.

There’s only one male character in this book who isn’t a rapist, so I thought I’d focus on him. Dudes are pretty much on the back-burner in this whole novel. It’s a really beautiful, poetic story about a woman coming into her own. Naturally, I’m going to dissect it.

About Joseph

  • American
  • white
  • goes from “hi” to “let’s get married” pretty damn fast
  • in a band, travels a lot
  • not a rapist
  • Not being a rapist is a really important quality in a man.

His problem?

  • he’s married to a girl who has a lot of sex issues
  • and identity issues
  • because her mom used to stick her fingers in her no-no places
  • to make sure she still had a hymen
  • so she sodomized herself with a cooking utensil
  • and ran away from home
  • to be with Joseph
  • but then she ran away from Joseph to Haiti
  • so that she wouldn’t need to deal with her sex issues?
  • I mean, that’s basically his problem.
  • Oh yeah, and he doesn’t have a real job.

A lot of these folks would have benefited from some self-love and sex ed.

Sexxi Points

  • very understanding
  • and caring
  • and a musician
  • not racist
  • not a rapist
  • these things are very important
  • very
  • very
  • important

Boner-Killers

  • travels a lot because he’s a musician
  • got his girl pregnant the first time they had sex
  • like, she didn’t even have a chance to get over all her sex issues
  • it was like, boom, pregnant
  • and I kind of hate him for that
  • like really, you couldn’t pull out or use a condom for at least a little bit?
  • or maybe just do oral for the first couple of months?
  • Just like, “oh, your mom tortured you and you ran away from home to be with me, let me just
  • put a baby in you ASAP.”
  • Ew, Joseph. Ew.

The Verdict?

Your penis must have some kind of crazy GPS navigation to the unfertilized eggs. I’m not interested in that. I also don’t want to run away from home and then completely depend on you and have you impregnate me. Everything about this sounds awful. You still get points for not being a rapist or a racist, so I’ll come listen to your band at Rockwood or something. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Jesus Christ from “I Know I Am, but What Are You?” by Samantha Bee

Jesus. Literally. Jesus.

But not Jesus from the Bible. If you need to know anything about THAT Jesus, here is all you really need to know: His first miracle was turning water to wine at a party.

Yeah, you know you wanna party with Jesus, you know, before he got all emo.

But I won’t be evaluating that particular Jesus. This is Jesus from the perception of horny pre-teen Samantha Bee. Let’s go.

About Jesus

  • secretly in love with nine-year old Samantha Bee
  • Eats Tang from the package
  • middle name is “H”
  • kind of like how Homer Simpson’s middle name is “J”
  • looks like Kris Kristofferson from A Star is Born
  • except Sam acknowledges that he might be “part black

Wow, they both look pretty good. Damn, Black Jesus.

Sexxi Points

  • Since this is all Samantha Bee’s delusional horny confused pre-adolescent mind
  • there are lots of good points
  • for example
  • Jesus has a great ass
  • looks great in cowboy boots and jeans
  • and I bet he’s packin’ in those tight jeans
  • that last part was me, not Samantha
  • Well-groomed chest hair
  • Likes having his feet rubbed with exotic oils
  • I guess you have to humor Jesus’s desires a little bit, right?
  • Willing to defend a bitch’s honor

Boner-Killers

  • long-distance relationship
  • like, really long distance
  • like, he never shows up
  • except in the form of a kind of creepy priest???

Sam, I’m glad you outgrew your weird crush on Jesus and started dating people who were physically real. Although the guy who called you “slut tits” was probably not a winner, either. Luckily, it looks like the dude you finally married is pretty chill.

Jesus, you might seem pretty cool from afar, but your absence is a huge turn-off. And don’t give me that spiritual “I’m everywhere” crap. I require an actual, physical body. RATING: BONER-KILLER.

John Unger from “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sure she’s pretty until you’re dying in your sleep lolol.

Everyone knows The Great Gatsby but, believe it or not, my boy Fitz here wrote other things. Besides, I’m not in the business of making Honors English easy for anyone. “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” is a short story about money and love and youth and stuff. So let’s go:

About John Unger

  • middle class
  • likes money
  • a lot
  • from a kind of tacky backwards town
  • that no one has heard of
  • he’s bored by rich people
  • but he’s obsessed with the
  • bling
  • swag
  • you get the idea
  • he’s basically the 2os version of a suburban kid
  • who wears HASHTAG SWAG shirts

His problem?

  • He went to a rich friend’s house for summer vacation
  • and his friend has a hot sister
  • and his friend is SUPER RICH
  • although he has slaves still
  • because his family told them that the South won the Civil War
  • and John isn’t cool with that
  • but John is pretty cool with banging the hot sister
  • but oh yeah since John knows the family secret
  • he can’t leave
  • and he must die
  • and everyone knows it except for him
  • even the girl he’s sleeping with knows
  • but she says she’s REALLY sorry
  • so yeah he’s stuck in diamond mountain.

Ain’t you ever heard of mo money mo problems?

Sexxi Points

  • He’s filled with a sense of
  • I don’t know
  • innocence?
  • child-like wonder?
  • He’s ambitious
  • and he’s bored by rich people
  • and he is smart enough to know that being poor isn’t cool
  • but he’s surrounded by really rich people
  • who seem to think being poor is cool
  • and he’s really confused by that
  • and I can totally relate to this
  • because that’s exactly how I felt when I was in NYU
  • so, I can relate

Boner-Killers

  • the girl he likes is really dumb
  • REALLY DUMB
  • she must just be hot because she’s really
  • fucking
  • dumb
  • and that’s a huge turn-off because
  • I couldn’t date this guy
  • without questioning my own intelligence
  • She’s just so dumb.
  • I can’t forgive him for liking someone so dumb
  • Can I at least have some reasonable competition?

The Verdict?

At the end, he saved the hot girl and her fugly sister (despite the intense betrayal), and he agrees to marry her and they leave diamond mountain to live a life of poverty. Not the most glam ending, but at the end John seems to snap out of it, and he doesn’t push the bitch off a cliff (which is what I would have done).

But John is a terrible judge of character. Don’t go with weirdos to diamond mountain. You should have gotten out of there when you realized they still had slaves. Actually, that applies to everyone reading this. You should leave if you realize your host has slaves.

Also, lawd, that girl you’re with ain’t shit, and this is all I have to say about that. Or this. Or maybe this. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

 

Ian Malcolm from “Jurassic Park” by Michael Crichton

As a kid, Jurassic Park was more than just my favorite movie — I think at one point it was my legal guardian. The paperwork is fuzzy.

Ian Malcolm’s character in the movie is pretty true to his character in the book. They made some people a lot worse in the film. But let’s take a look, shall we?

About Ian Malcolm

  • famous chaos theory mathematician
  • like, a rock star of math.
  • I’m already sold
  • is brought to Jurassic Park to endorse/not endorse the park
  • wears all black
  • because he can’t be bothered with clothes
  • has multiple kids with multiple women
  • is always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm.

His problem?

  • He’s trapped on raptor fucking island.

Sexxi Points

  • ability to predict everything that is going to happen
  • and be snarky and sarcastic
  • even in the face of death
  • …although if I was really being eaten by a t-rex and some dude was like ‘I TOLD YOU SO’
  • I would probably kill him
  • but it works well here.

Boner-Killers

  • the multiple kids, multiple wives thing is a bummer
  • but he’s rich, right?
  • so he probably hasn’t completely abandoned them?
  • Hopefully?
  • In both books, Malcolm’s MO is pretty much
  • ‘get hurt, take morphine, ramble about chaos theory.’
  • he’s way, way more heroic in the movies.
  • Just sayin’.

The Verdict?

I’m definitely in line to be the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm. I’m number 8930. Take a ticket and get behind me. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.