Chewbacca from “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green

YA books are always tricky because, well, the characters are underage. So I decided to review the one sexually active, male character in the book who is definitely of legal age . . . because he is from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Chewbacca.

chewbacca

Criminal. Protector of the universe. Participant in No-Shave-November. Photo credit: Wookieepedia

Keep in mind that I will be reviewing Chewbacca as he appears in “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green and not necessarily how he appears in the Star Wars movies.

Get it? Got it? Good.

About Chewie in TATWD:

  • Is a character of Star Wars erotic fan fiction written by Daisy
  • (best friend of the main character)
  • Dating Rey
  • That’s right, Chewie is dating Rey.
  • Owes a life debt to a really annoying character
  • who he should really just let die
  • because in all of Daisy’s fan fiction, it doesn’t seem like Chewie and Rey actually
  • you know
  • seal the deal.
  • Speaks three wookie languages

His problem?

  • Can’t get laid.

Sexxi Points:

  • Knowing multiple languages is always hot
  • Willing to die for his spouse
  • and protect the galaxy and stuff like that
  • is old enough to consent
  • can definitely grow a beard
  • Chest hair can also be nice
sexy-jedi-bubblebath.jpg

I googled ‘Sexy Chewbacca’ and the results were actually pretty tame. Excuse me while I scrub my browser history. Photo credit: Geekologie.

Boner Killers:

  • Bestiality?
  • or…what is the alien form of bestiality?
  • Extraterrestriality?
  • As many characters in the book point out, like
  • what IS Chewie, and can he rationally consent?
  • All of his languages are Wookie languages
  • Like he knows three languages and not one of them can be romantic?
  • Spanish, French, German, Italian maybe?
  • No?
  • Maybe a little too hairy
  • like he’s basically naked all the time, but we never see his
  • A trim will do, that’s all I’m saying.
  • History of crime.

Verdict:

John Green does this world some justice. I really believed I was reading about teenagers who wrote about Chewbacca doing it with Rey, and then argued over whether Chewbacca could or should do it with Rey.

But this Chewbacca is kind of a wuss who keeps letting an annoying secondary character get in the way of doing it. Rating: Semi-boner, if he can prove he’s sentient enough to consent.

Get TATWD and read about Chewbaccas sexcapades. Do you agree? Disagree? Hate me forever? Only time will tell.

 

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Augustus Waters from “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green.

You’ve probably seen this everywhere. Here it is again.

I’ll end my hiatus with The Fault in Our Stars because everyone on Tumblr is urinating themselves over it.

First of all, let me say that this was a good book, despite having a touch of Precious-pelting syndrome. PPS is when a story just throws one horrible thing after another at a character. PPS is named for the book Precious, for obvious reasons. There comes a point where so many bad things can happen to the people in your book that it stops being dramatic and starts being funny. TFIOS does not have full-blown PPS, but is in the beginning stages of it, like me with diabetes in third grade.

So here goes. Let’s rate Augustus Waters!

About Augustus

  • cancer survivor
  • but not really
  • pretentious name
  • prone to weird outbursts that he thinks are badass
  • but are really just kind of lame and funny

His problem?

  • all the people he cares for have cancer
  • he has cancer and doesn’t know it
  • cancer

Sexxi Points

  • supports his best friend
  • who loses both eyes due to cancer
  • helps Hazel find the author of some book
  • because she’s really upset because it doesn’t end
  • he writes part of the end of the book for her
  • he’s sort of sweet when he’s not being Holden Caulfield
  • but he has lots of Holden moments
  • a Holden moment is a white privilege hipster moment
  • but I’ll get to that later.

Boner-Killers

  • he’s really into V for Vendetta
  • like, still.
  • that whole cigarette thing
  • I mean, you know you’re still giving cigarette companies money, right?
  • And they kill millions of people each year?
  • You don’t have to smoke cigarettes to support evil tobacco companies
  • you just have to hand over your money
  • which you do
  • you’re supporting cancer, Augustus
  • more like ‘the fault in our logic.’
  • I really almost stopped reading at that ‘it’s a metaphor’ part
  • for those of you who don’t know, Augustus Waters sucks on unlit cigarettes
  • as a metaphor.
  • yeah it’s dumb.
  • what else
  • well
  • he’s dies
  • so that would impact our relationship
  • and he’s 16.

The Verdict?

Well he dies at the end and he’s underage so, I would be really gross if I hit on this dude. Rating: N/A

Also, can I just say, the whole losing your virginity, having sex once, and then dying thing? Barf. Reeks of puritan bullshit. They should have had a LOT. MORE. SECKS.

Get The Fault in Our Stars if you haven’t already been put off by my review.