Chase from “Crank” by Ellen Hopkins

Meth is like one of those, “I give up on life totally” drugs.

Crank is filled with sleazebags, rapists, absent fathers and drug addicts who drive their girlfriends to suicide. It was hard enough to find anyone of value. So here’s Chase, the only real good guy from “Crank.” Let’s see how good he really is.

About Chase

  • takes drugs
  • pimply
  • high school student
  • has somewhat of a future

His problem?

  • He is in love with a girl
  • who is pregnant with another man’s baby
  • and she’s addicted to meth
  • he might be addicted, but probably not
  • jury is out on this one.

From Faces of Meth. These photos were taken 2.5 years apart. TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

Sexxi Points

  • doesn’t want to have sex with a girl who was just raped
  • like, cares about her state of mind
  • sort of
  • is willing to stay with her even though she’s having another man’s baby

Boner-Killers

  • he doesn’t really make Kristina go to the doctor
  • or the cops
  • after the rape
  • I mean he just kind of is like
  • maybe we should wait a week before having sex
  • he also takes meth with her
  • and introduces her to a bunch of other drugs
  • like E.

The Verdict?

He seems like he could potentially be a decent guy, and he probably is, for his age. But he’s a little too passive and a little too destructive, and I’m not seeing a whole lot of stunning qualities. He is willing to stay with his girlfriend through her pregnancy, but the book ends before we can see if he really sticks it out. Rating: Meth is bad. Do not date boys who take meth.

Get Crank on Amazon.

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Hagrid from the Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

LEGO HAGRID YES.

I’m not interested in Harry because he’s like, a child for most of the series. That’s a little too creepy. While we all know Harry ends up becoming a grown ass hottie, I can’t in good faith analyze things he did when he was 10.

So who was an adult at the start? Who hasn’t been done to death?

Fuckin’ Hagrid.

About Hagrid:

  • saves Harry from an abusive relationship
  • introduces him to his secret wizard-ing life
  • he’s basically the bouncer of Hogwarts.

His problem?

  • Generally monster-like, misunderstood, coarse and potentially unlovable.

He’s just…a little TOO big.

Sexxi Points

  • I like the whole, saving a kid from an abusive foster home
  • and then giving him lots of money
  • and helping him save the world and stuff
  • and how he can take care of dragons
  • he’s half-human, half-giant
  • and I’m a mixed kid
  • basically the same, right?
  • oh, and he’s always carrying people
  • so that’s nice, he could like
  • save me from a burning building

Boner-Killers

  • bathing?
  • communicating?
  • inside voice maybe?
  • shaving?
  • he cries too much
  • I can’t understand WTF he’s saying.
  • if he’s five times as wide as a normal man…
  • I mean
  • there’s such a thing as “too big.”
  • there’s definitely a sort of
  • I mean
  • haven’t you heard of the law of diminishing returns?

The Verdict?

I think we should just be friends partially because having sex with you would feel like childbirth. Rating: You Can Go Down on Me But That’s It.

Frankenstein from “Frankenstein” by Mary Shelley.

Why was this the cover? If this is how the monster looked, everything would have been just fine. Give him pants and he’d be the Marlboro Man.

I’m talking about Victor Frankenstein, the doctor who made the monster, not the monster himself.

About Victor

  • collects a bunch of dead body parts
  • makes a dude
  • abandons it because he thinks it’s gross

His problem?

  • the monster made of dead parts starts stalking him
  • kind of like that guy I went on one date with who asked me to marry him
  • actually, nothing like that.

Behold, cutie Victor Frankenweenie.

Sexxi Points

  • educated
  • motivated
  • likes to travel
  • but most of that is fleeing/collecting corpses

Boner-Killers

  • he’s been in jail
  • for murder
  • I mean, he didn’t COMMIT the murder
  • but that’s going to affect his chances at teaching in a university
  • he’s not a good listener
  • the monster he made just wants to get laid
  • and he’s really mean
  • oh, he kinda married his sister
  • they didn’t have sex because then she was murdered
  • but still, married his sister.
  • people around him are constantly being killed by the monster he created
  • and he’s really bad at protecting his loved ones
  • he just keeps having mental breakdowns
  • that part is really annoying.

The Verdict?

Now you know the difference between Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s monster. Oh yeah, Rating: NO. DO NOT BANG.

He’s been touching lots of dead bodies. You don’t want embalming fluid in your snatch. I mean, I don’t know exactly what that would do, but it can’t be good.

Tobias from “Animorphs” by KA Applegate.

Wow, this is pretty much exactly as I imagined him.

Who remembers the Animorphs series? Teenagers turn into animals, fight brain-sucking aliens, save the world, lose their souls in the process. In addition to featuring lots of animal sounds, unlikely escapes, and the assistance of a godlike-entity named the Ellimist, the Animorphs also features a tortured soul, whom I love.

Special thanks to the Moonlight Library for the inspiration for this post.

About Tobias

  • he’s sort of homeless
  • and bounces around between his aunt and uncle
  • who don’t care about him
  • he thinks his mom is crazy
  • but she’s not
  • she was just like, kidnapped by aliens
  • and then married/had sex with one
  • and then the Ellimist took her hot alien man away
  • so she’s a little sore about that.
  • but anyway back to Tobias
  • he’s half-Andalite.
  • Andalites are sexy centaurs
  • who eat through their feet

His problem?

  • He’s trapped in a hawk’s body
  • He has to save the world from invading aliens

Sexxi Points

  • half centaur sexy alien
  • natural warrior or something
  • saving the world
  • has mind-speaking powers
  • and the Ellimist gives him back his morphing powers
  • and the ability to temporarily change from hawk to his human form
  • but only for two hours

Boner-Killers

  • the two hour rule means he can only bone for two hours
  • I mean, I guess he can go into the bathroom
  • morph into a bird
  • then back into a human
  • and go again
  • he’s got a lot of deeply-rooted childhood neglect issues
  • and self-worth/identity issues
  • and I do too, so that wouldn’t work
  • I need someone with the opposite problem so we can balance out
  • like an overinflated ego! Yes. Perfect.
  • anyway
  • he eats roadkill
  • and mice
  • and stuff hawks eat because he’s a hawk
  • and he has a life expectancy of not very long
  • since he’s a damn bird.

The Verdict?

I guess two hours isn’t that bad, but he’s going to have to morph/remorph for proper cuddles. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Did you crush on anyone from the series? Is there an alien you’d bang? What about the Hork-Bajir?

Frankenstein’s MONSTER from “Frankenstein’s Bitch” by K.J. Burkhardt.

Thank God this book costs less than a dollar.

I know I’m fighting a losing battle, but people:

FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR WHO MADE THE MONSTER.

THE MONSTER IS CALLED ‘FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER.’

Oh and on the cover, they actually spelled ‘Frankenstein’ incorrectly. Der.

Obviously, I didn’t spend 99 cents on ‘Frankenstein’s Bitch‘ expecting a new literary classic, and I was right. This author is in dire need of an editor. But anyway, here we go.

About Frankenstein’s Monster

  • 7-inch flaccid penis
  • unknown full size
  • seems confused during sex?
  • composed of dead body parts

His problem?

  • Needs to get laid?

Sexxi Points

  • He just kind of is asleep
  • and then has sex with you
  • he doesn’t talk
  • that’s the best part
  • he’s like a real-life vibrator

Boner-Killers

  • he’s dead
  • doesn’t take you to dinner
  • the female he’s screwing keeps noticing how “sad” he is
  • I dunno, wouldn’t that be a turn off?
  • If the hot dead dude you’re boning is constantly
  • showing his emotional pain?
  • This wasn’t much of a fantasy for me.

The Verdict?

Uhhh don’t fuck dead dudes, guys. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

 

Pedro from “Like Water for Chocolate” by Laura Esquivel

This would be really romantic if you weren’t married to her sister.

This book had a lot of blah blah about food that I just skipped. I know the recipes had some kind of hidden meaning in the text, but I use Seamless and unsuspecting dates to get food, not my own hands. I mean, I did melt some cheese in a pan today. Does that count?

There was only like, one dude in this whole village. It was so bad that one girl ran away with a soldier and another went to a mental asylum to meet a new man. It was that bad. Aren’t you glad we have dating apps, so that jerks are just a click away?

Here’s Pedro.

About Pedro

  • in love with Tita
  • Mexican
  • that’s about it in terms of details.

His problem?

  • he can’t marry Tita
  • because she’s supposed to never marry and take care of her mom
  • so he marries Tita’s sister to stay close to her
  • creepy?
  • and the sister has all kinds of problems, like bad breath
  • saggy vagina
  • big belly
  • no breast milk
  • vomited her own wedding cake
  • the author just made the sister as unappealing as possible.

If you give a fuck, you can follow the recipes in the book and make stuff. I did not care this much.

Sexxi Points

  • Stuck around? Points for that, maybe?
  • Stuck around for twelve years.
  • Around but not active
  • He never really stood up to Tita’s mom or anything
  • And he married Tita’s sister
  • and cheated on her with Tita
  • and got her pregnant
  • Why can’t anyone just enjoy sex in any of these books?
  • Gross.

Boner-Killers

  • Cheated on his wife with her sister
  • I don’t think he went to college or anything
  • Actually he doesn’t really seem to do anything?
  • What does this cat do?
  • Other than whine and have sex with people’s sisters?

The Verdict?

I’m not down with this dude. His best qualities seem to be staying around and waiting for convenient times to have sex. He’s like mold, if mold had sex. Oh and when he finally can be with Tita, he dies during sex, and then Tita basically kills herself by eating candles. It’s a lot more romantic in the book, but that’s what it amounts to.

Tita, you should have married the dude you met in the mental asylum.

Pedro, go to school, locate your balls, go back in time and make Tita your wife the first time around. All your romantic whining took twelve years and then you died with your pants around your ankles. Not a good look. BONER-KILLER.

Jess Galvan from “The Dead Run” by Adam Mansbach

Are you turned on yet?

So hi. I’ve been in school reading shit like The Canterbury Tales, which I have no interest in writing about, and I took a break from being overly critical of fictional characters. Sorry for the hiatus. Since I also carry hearts in a box for Aztec gods (part time), I was immediately drawn to Jess Galvan of “The Dead Run.” Let’s see how he measures up to the ruler:

About Jess Galvan

  • wrongfully jailed in Mexico
  • for defending a hooker
  • who was being gang-raped
  • he’s pure of heart
  • or something
  • until he kills someone in cold blood
  • He has to bring a still-beating human heart through the desert
  • to some ceremony
  • to appease an Aztec god
  • and bring about the end of days
  • but he’s actually part Aztec god himself.
  • Can someone be this flawless?
  • Oh, he married a religious nutjob
  • Oh well. Spoke too soon.

His problem?

  • In addition to the whole still-beating heart, end of days, Aztec god thing, his daughter has also been kidnapped by a cult who wants to rape her/eat her heart/use her as a channel to the Aztec god world/something equally horrifying for a father.

How about now?

Sexxi Points

  • there’s the whole “always defending women” thing
  • regardless of whether they’re virgins or prostitutes
  • which is nice.
  • And he loves his daughter.
  • Did I mention he’s part god?
  • like a very small part, though
  • like when I say I’m part Incan, like
  • 1/162th of a percent or something.

Boner-Killers

  • pawn of evil
  • sometimes possessed by a bloodthirsty god
  • who I think killed his wife while he was deflowering her or something
  • so yeah there’s a lot of weird virgin/whore stuff in this book
  • he was in jail
  • so he was unable to be with his wife and kid
  • so that kind of sucks
  • I like when the dudes I’m dating aren’t in prison
  • but I’m a bitch like that

The Verdict?

Lots of good qualities, but the whole “might be possessed by an Aztec god” thing is a little crazy. Yes, that’s my way of saying that I would totally go for it. BIEN SEXXI.

Elijah from “Wintergirls” by Laurie Halse Anderson

Something like this seems to be Lia’s end goal. What really happens is that she ends up in a motel with Elijah.

Wintergirls is thoroughly depressing. I would not recommend reading this book if you’ve ever had an eating disorder, ever thought about dieting, are on a diet, are overweight, underweight, or a normal weight, or are ever concerned mildly about your caloric intake.

It’s pretty intense.

At 95 pounds, anorexic Lia doesn’t have much to show off. But there is one boy who seems kinda involved and kinda all right.

About Elijah

  • janitor at a cheap motel
  • where Lia’s best friend puked herself to death
  • like, she ruptured her esophagus
  • he doesn’t have parental units
  • acne.
  • concerned about Lia’s well-being
  • but still, acne. ACNE.

His problem?

  • He’s friends with a suicidal anorexic girl who is haunted by the ghost of her dead bulimic friend.
  • He lives in the motel where he works
  • and worst of all
  • HE HAS ACNE.

Run, Lia.

Sexxi Points

  • shares food with Lia even though he’s broke
  • and she’s clearly not interested in eating
  • but she does it anyway
  • because she can tell he cares or something.
  • is basically Lia’s only good friend
  • like, the only positive influence
  • since her other best friend just encouraged the disordered eating
  • he also calls her out on some of her bullshit
  • like, the whole being inconsiderate and spoiled stuff
  • he didn’t rape Lia’s unconscious, dying body
  • no seriously, he gets points for that.

Boner-Killers

  • In the end, he leaves Lia for dead
  • in a cheap hotel room
  • and takes all of her money
  • as there’s a blizzard outside
  • and possibly no way for her to get out

 

The Verdict?

Lia, you’re thin enough and young enough to be someone’s trophy wife. This is probably the worst advice I will ever give to a fictional teenager, but please start going after rich, old perverts.

Elijah, use the money you stole from Lia to get some Proactiv and then hit me up. Oh, and I guess leaving Lia for dead was a pretty rotten move. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Dr. Henry Wu from “Jurassic Park” by Michael Crichton

Wait, Dr. Wu, I have a chart to show you…hold on…I put it…somewhere…

Everyone knows Ian Malcolm. There’s even fan fiction literotica about him. It was like shooting fish in a barrel, I know, I know.

But there’s a character in the book whose role is severely diminished in the movie, and he’s like, an unsung hero of Jurassic fucking Park. Really unsung, because he uhm MADE ALL THE DINOSAURS.

Without Dr. Wu, the story would have ended with a delusional old man with a mosquito cane.

About Dr. Henry Wu

  • child prodgy
  • studied at MIT
  • chief geneticist at JP
  • Not much of a social life
  • because he spends most of his time uhm making dinosaurs
  • is primarily out to make a name for himself
  • you know, be famous as the dude who cloned dinosaurs
  • which is pretty panty-removeworthy as it is

His problem?

  • When Malcolm says the scientists are more worried about if they COULD
  • than if they SHOULD
  • clone dinosaurs
  • Wu is pretty much the definition of that.
  • He’s focused on his work right up until the end
  • when a raptor jumps on him and eats him.
  • Yes, in the book, he dies

 

Sexxi Points

  • A genius
  • who clones dinosaurs
  • I mean, do we need to really know anything else?
  • in the book he actually does have the foresight
  • to try to engineer the dinosaurs to be slower
  • but Hammond is like LOL no.
  • But Wu isn’t a moron
  • He just has a moron boss
  • NO KIDS
  • that’s really important, everyone
  • I don’t want no baby mama drama
  • Or ex drama
  • Which Wu seems to have none of since he just is smart and clones dinosaurs.

Boner-Killers

  • No sense of humor
  • I mean, maybe it’s hard to have a sense of humor on raptor fucking island
  • But like, Wu never cracks a smile, man.
  • it’s all dinos, cloning, oh wow they’re breeding, oh crap I’m dead
  • like, when is it going to be about ME?
  • Anyway
  • He lacks a sense of the big picture
  • Like, if Ian Malcolm is all about ethics and big picture
  • Wu is the opposite
  • so focused on the task at hand
  • like tunnel vision focused on the task at hand
  • right until a raptor is eating his ass
  • So like, booksmart, not streetsmart

The Verdict?

I’d hit that, if I could get him away from dinosaurs for more than fifteen minutes. But I get it, he wants to be a famous scientist forever.

Also, don’t tell Ian Malcolm. He might get jealous. Actually, he probably wouldn’t. Wait, why am I worried about the feelings of fictional characters?

The best thing: Wu’s queue is shorter than Malcolm’s. I’m behind Dilophosaurus. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Ian Malcolm from “Jurassic Park” by Michael Crichton

As a kid, Jurassic Park was more than just my favorite movie — I think at one point it was my legal guardian. The paperwork is fuzzy.

Ian Malcolm’s character in the movie is pretty true to his character in the book. They made some people a lot worse in the film. But let’s take a look, shall we?

About Ian Malcolm

  • famous chaos theory mathematician
  • like, a rock star of math.
  • I’m already sold
  • is brought to Jurassic Park to endorse/not endorse the park
  • wears all black
  • because he can’t be bothered with clothes
  • has multiple kids with multiple women
  • is always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm.

His problem?

  • He’s trapped on raptor fucking island.

Sexxi Points

  • ability to predict everything that is going to happen
  • and be snarky and sarcastic
  • even in the face of death
  • …although if I was really being eaten by a t-rex and some dude was like ‘I TOLD YOU SO’
  • I would probably kill him
  • but it works well here.

Boner-Killers

  • the multiple kids, multiple wives thing is a bummer
  • but he’s rich, right?
  • so he probably hasn’t completely abandoned them?
  • Hopefully?
  • In both books, Malcolm’s MO is pretty much
  • ‘get hurt, take morphine, ramble about chaos theory.’
  • he’s way, way more heroic in the movies.
  • Just sayin’.

The Verdict?

I’m definitely in line to be the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm. I’m number 8930. Take a ticket and get behind me. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.