Winston Smith from “1984”

Good news: I’m restarting this blog. Bad news: A lot of shit has happened in the past four years to make George Orwell’s 1984 super relevant.

 

 

This book is usually fodder for wanna-be survivalists who think they have it all figured out for when the grid goes down, and you probably had to read it in English class. Or you have to read it for English class now, and you’re scanning my blog for deep analysis.

Or you’re terrified of Donald Trump.

About Winston

  • He’s kind of in this shitty middle class
  • where he’s like,
  • not poor and wandering the street
  • but he likes watching people who ARE poor and wandering the street
  • but Winston is also not high up enough to have luxuries
  • basically, you can have free thought in this society if you’re either super poor
  • or super rich
  • so maybe he should just become poor?

His problem?

  • basically, that he writes shit down
  • like dude
  • use Snapchat
  • or slide into her DMs
  • or make memes like
  • don’t explicitly write down “the government is lying”
  • “and sucks ass”
  • “and I’m gettin’ ass”
  • I guess Orwell couldn’t have envisioned Snap doe.

Sexxi Points

  • I guess that he’s trying to think?
  • and that he can remember stuff for more than a couple of years
  • to know that the news is fake news
  • and the government is changing the news
  • Willing to have forbidden sex
  • Not afraid of aggressive chicks

Boner-Killers

  • writes down all of his crimes
  • rookie mistake dude
  • really enjoys looking at poor people
  • kinda weird
  • after being tortured, sees his ex and instead of wondering how she is
  • like, because she was probably tortured too
  • he’s just like
  • “oh, she got fat.”
  • And he rats her out to the government

The Verdict?

He wants to have the ability to think independently while maintaining his middle-class comforts, a feeling I think many of us can understand. His tendency to write down his crimes in a journal is pretty stupid. He also doesn’t seem capable of love. Or keeping his mouth shut.

Rating: Boner-Killer: He’s a snitch.

 

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Pedro from “Like Water for Chocolate” by Laura Esquivel

This would be really romantic if you weren’t married to her sister.

This book had a lot of blah blah about food that I just skipped. I know the recipes had some kind of hidden meaning in the text, but I use Seamless and unsuspecting dates to get food, not my own hands. I mean, I did melt some cheese in a pan today. Does that count?

There was only like, one dude in this whole village. It was so bad that one girl ran away with a soldier and another went to a mental asylum to meet a new man. It was that bad. Aren’t you glad we have dating apps, so that jerks are just a click away?

Here’s Pedro.

About Pedro

  • in love with Tita
  • Mexican
  • that’s about it in terms of details.

His problem?

  • he can’t marry Tita
  • because she’s supposed to never marry and take care of her mom
  • so he marries Tita’s sister to stay close to her
  • creepy?
  • and the sister has all kinds of problems, like bad breath
  • saggy vagina
  • big belly
  • no breast milk
  • vomited her own wedding cake
  • the author just made the sister as unappealing as possible.

If you give a fuck, you can follow the recipes in the book and make stuff. I did not care this much.

Sexxi Points

  • Stuck around? Points for that, maybe?
  • Stuck around for twelve years.
  • Around but not active
  • He never really stood up to Tita’s mom or anything
  • And he married Tita’s sister
  • and cheated on her with Tita
  • and got her pregnant
  • Why can’t anyone just enjoy sex in any of these books?
  • Gross.

Boner-Killers

  • Cheated on his wife with her sister
  • I don’t think he went to college or anything
  • Actually he doesn’t really seem to do anything?
  • What does this cat do?
  • Other than whine and have sex with people’s sisters?

The Verdict?

I’m not down with this dude. His best qualities seem to be staying around and waiting for convenient times to have sex. He’s like mold, if mold had sex. Oh and when he finally can be with Tita, he dies during sex, and then Tita basically kills herself by eating candles. It’s a lot more romantic in the book, but that’s what it amounts to.

Tita, you should have married the dude you met in the mental asylum.

Pedro, go to school, locate your balls, go back in time and make Tita your wife the first time around. All your romantic whining took twelve years and then you died with your pants around your ankles. Not a good look. BONER-KILLER.

Sancho Panza from “Don Quixote de la Mancha” by Miguel de Cervantes

Please do NOT attack the windmills.

Homer Simpson in Season 4, New Kids on the Block can tell you all you really need to know about Don Quixote:

Homer: This is my quest. I’m like that guy. That Spanish guy.
You know, he fought the windmill…
Marge: Don Quixote?
Homer: No, that’s not it. What’s-his-name, the Man of La Mancha.
Marge: Don Quixote.
Homer: No!
Marge: I really think that was the character’s name. Don Quixote.
Homer: Fine! I’ll look it up! [heads off and consults a reference]
Marge: [annoyed] Well, who was it?
Homer: [quietly fuming] Never mind.

I’m much more interested in his servant, Sancho Panza.

About Sancho

  • His boss is an idiot
  • but he gets a paycheck
  • and potentially an island, but that will probably never happen
  • like when someone promises you you’ll get a share of a company someday
  • if it’s ever publicly traded
  • like that, only the 1605 equivalent.
  • and Sancho doesn’t have much better to do
  • so he goes along with it

His problem?

  • Has to follow his idiot boss around
  • while riding a little donkey
  • as Don Quixote runs around and tries to prove his little boy jerkoff dreams of heroism

Sexxi Points

  • You can hear how annoyed he is when he’s talking to Don Quixote
  • it’s like that Dilbert, “I’m mocking you and you are too stupid to get it” style
  • He writes home to his wife
  • and is faithful to her while he follows his boss around and makes sure he doesn’t die.
  • He’s the practical one asking all the real questions, like “what are you doing?”
  • and “when am I getting paid?”
  • and “what are you doing?”
  • in the end, he’s just a working dude who can’t get a break

Boner-Killers

  • His last name indicates that he has a belly
  • so his body is likely not great.
  • Kind of passive, I was craving that moment when he just gets tired of it all
  • and quits and destroys everything
  • Office Space style

The Verdict?

He’s funny and practical, but these two things never gave me an orgasm. Get a little more ambition and yell at your boss for attacking windmills, and then we’re in business. Rating: POTENTIALLY SEXXI.

Holden Caulfield from “The Catcher in the Rye” by J.D. Salinger

I was into saying ‘I was into that before it was cool’ before it was cool.

If you’re here because you’re in some Honors English class or you think you’re a genius deep middle schooler, I’m probably going to disappoint you. Holden sucks and here’s why.

About Holden Caulfield

  • keeps getting kicked out of school
  • rich-ass parents
  • white
  • like not just in skin tone, but in general hipsterness
  • like he probably graduated from NYU and moved to Brooklyn afterwards
  • and opened an antique bicycle repair store.

His problem?

  • kicked out of school
  • general vagabond-ry
  • hates all institutions
  • obsessed with this chick he made out with like, once
  • can’t hold a train of thought
  • he’s probably in a mental hospital?
  • a mental hospital he can afford because his parents pay for everything.

I roll my own cigs and this jacket is vintage and so is my underwear and I only paid three bucks and when my dad dies I’m going to take the money I get from my trust fund and go to Alaska and write a travel blog about it.

Sexxi Points

  • when I was 12, I probably would have said how deep and rebellious he was
  • but now I am wiser and I realize he’s a whining white boy who has had everything paid for him
  • which is particularly annoying because Sallie Mae now owns my first-born son
  • so it’s hard to feel sympathy for this jackass
  • but I digress.

Boner-Killers

  • no future
  • whining whining whining
  • misplaces fencing equipment on the NYC subway
  • like really, how do you do that?
  • Can’t fuck a prostitute
  • Can’t fight a pimp
  • Can’t fight.
  • lies.
  • this character spawned the hipster revolution, I’m sure. Do nothing, pay for nothing, complain about it.
  • He probably cries after sex. Unconfirmed, but all signs point to Yes.

The Verdict?

I think this has been scathingly clear. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Learn more about why I hate Holden (added bonus of learning about my high school years in Plano, Texas, and other information you may not care about).

Niki Jumpei from “The Woman in the Dunes” by Kobo Abe

This classic centers around shoveling sand forever and it’s basically about the futility of life. It’s one of my favorite books. It’s also a little bit Stockholm syndrome-ish.

About Niki

  • likes to collect bugs
  • which might indicate an Oedipal complex
  • painfully logical
  • knows a lot about beetles
  • and sand
  • innocent and trusting
  • which is why it was so easy to trap him into shoveling sand forever

His problem?

  • these dudes convinced him to come to their town
  • to take a break from collecting bugs
  • but then they trapped him in a giant sand castle town
  • and gave him to this lonely woman
  • who is really good at keeping house
  • and then he develops Stockholm syndrome
  • and fucks her.
  • and he has to shovel sand to keep from drowning in the sand castle town
  • and continue fucking the woman who trapped him there

Sexxi Points

  • happy with the simple life
  • loyal to whoever he’s with
  • very strategic, but only when it comes to sand and bugs
  • otherwise he wouldn’t have been so easily tricked
  • only has eyes for his woman
  • but that might be because she’s uhm, the only woman
  • refuses to hit her even when it’s obvious she tricked him
  • hard-working

Boner-Killers

  • loses focus once he’s fat and happy
  • hard-working, yes, but not very ambitious
  • I mean, he goes from collecting bugs to shoveling sand
  • so I doubt he’d ever be able to fully support me as I write books and horny blogs
  • for the rest of my life
  • seems kind of passive about switching wives
  • and getting his new wife imposed on him
  • he will kind of sleep with any girl who cooks and sleeps in the nude
  • but it’s nice knowing I could have sand in my vagina and he’d still hit that
  • on second thought, that sounds painful.
  • it hurts when he pee pees
  • and some strange stuff comes out of his pee pee
  • he doesn’t understand that you can’t shovel up.

The Verdict?

It’s nothing personal, Niki, because you’ve got a lot of good points, but I just don’t want to have to imprison a man to get him to love me. Word of advice, you should stop nailing chicks with only girl in the world syndrome. But…you can’t read my advice because…she’s…not…letting…you. Oh well. I tried. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Monk from “Erasure” by Percival Everett

About Thelonius ‘Monk’ from Erasure

  • moderately successful novelist
  • criticized for not being ‘black’ enough
  • smart enough to know race is a social construct
  • and that he’s actually a shade of brown, not black

His problem?

  • mom has Alzheimer’s
  • gay brother is getting divorced/losing his family/losing his moneys
  • abortionist sister doctor murdered by religious people
  • he writes a parody of a ‘black’ novel and it ends up becoming a best-seller, and he has to pretend to be two people
  • and it’s really annoying because he won’t stop whining about it
  • but he uses the money to help out his family and stuff, so that’s cool I guess

This sells, Monk. Deal with it.

Sexxi Points

  • he turns down sex if you’re pathetically desperate
  • or if you have bad taste in literature
  • no really, he will leave you crying half-naked even with a raging boner
  • he’s willing to stick up for gay dudes being hassled at a bar
  • even though they end up not needing his help
  • oh, and he loves his mom, which is good

Boner-Killers

  • he’s basically Holden Caulfield, but ten years older and a sell-out
  • he is incapable of shutting the fuck up about how he was his father’s favorite child
  • and just fuck someone.

The Verdict?

Whining aside, Monk is still sexxi as hell. His ability to turn down sex had me slipping over my own vaginal juices. Rating: bien sexxi.