Chewbacca from “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green

YA books are always tricky because, well, the characters are underage. So I decided to review the one sexually active, male character in the book who is definitely of legal age . . . because he is from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Chewbacca.

chewbacca

Criminal. Protector of the universe. Participant in No-Shave-November. Photo credit: Wookieepedia

Keep in mind that I will be reviewing Chewbacca as he appears in “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green and not necessarily how he appears in the Star Wars movies.

Get it? Got it? Good.

About Chewie in TATWD:

  • Is a character of Star Wars erotic fan fiction written by Daisy
  • (best friend of the main character)
  • Dating Rey
  • That’s right, Chewie is dating Rey.
  • Owes a life debt to a really annoying character
  • who he should really just let die
  • because in all of Daisy’s fan fiction, it doesn’t seem like Chewie and Rey actually
  • you know
  • seal the deal.
  • Speaks three wookie languages

His problem?

  • Can’t get laid.

Sexxi Points:

  • Knowing multiple languages is always hot
  • Willing to die for his spouse
  • and protect the galaxy and stuff like that
  • is old enough to consent
  • can definitely grow a beard
  • Chest hair can also be nice
sexy-jedi-bubblebath.jpg

I googled ‘Sexy Chewbacca’ and the results were actually pretty tame. Excuse me while I scrub my browser history. Photo credit: Geekologie.

Boner Killers:

  • Bestiality?
  • or…what is the alien form of bestiality?
  • Extraterrestriality?
  • As many characters in the book point out, like
  • what IS Chewie, and can he rationally consent?
  • All of his languages are Wookie languages
  • Like he knows three languages and not one of them can be romantic?
  • Spanish, French, German, Italian maybe?
  • No?
  • Maybe a little too hairy
  • like he’s basically naked all the time, but we never see his
  • A trim will do, that’s all I’m saying.
  • History of crime.

Verdict:

John Green does this world some justice. I really believed I was reading about teenagers who wrote about Chewbacca doing it with Rey, and then argued over whether Chewbacca could or should do it with Rey.

But this Chewbacca is kind of a wuss who keeps letting an annoying secondary character get in the way of doing it. Rating: Semi-boner, if he can prove he’s sentient enough to consent.

Get TATWD and read about Chewbaccas sexcapades. Do you agree? Disagree? Hate me forever? Only time will tell.

 

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Tucker Max from “Assholes Finish First” by, well, Tucker Max

He looks pretty good, right? It’s all downhill from here.

When you write about yourself, or somehow try to portray yourself, you’re mainly trying to portray how you want others to see you. Autobiographies are a form of vanity. Other examples include Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and basically everything I do.

Tucker Max wants people to know how he fucks lots of stupid women. So I’m going to analyze the sexiness of this character. The character that he wants to be. In the book.

About Tucker Max

  • he went to college
  • he’s a pickup artist, basically
  • he gets famous for having sex with lots of women
  • and since he’s famous for having sex with lots of women
  • lots of women want to have sex with him
  • this book basically makes women look bad.

His problem?

  • attracts the bottom of the barrel
  • like, failed strippers
  • with tattoos of maggots on their vaginas
  • and women who will suck dick
  • WHILE the guy is taking a shit
  • apparently that activity has a proper name
  • but it shouldn’t, because WTF?

Nice guys like this one will read Tucker Max’s book and fall victim to the idea that nice guys finish last and then take up negging and that is a fate more tragic than, like, starvation.

Sexxi Points

  • he actually seems to have a conscience
  • like, he knows raping children is bad
  • and he’s willing to take them to the bus stop and buy them froyo.
  • and he doesn’t see virgins as appealing
  • which is nice because he doesn’t have a double standard when it comes to sex
  • and he does want to have a real relationship someday
  • with like, an emotionally stable woman who won’t just sleep with him for the chance to do his laundry
  • yes, he has women who are willing to come over to do his laundry
  • and then have sex with him
  • like he’s doing them this huge favor
  • he has money
  • maybe?
  • he had midget sex
  • and I’m short, so that’s a plus for me
  • he does seem moderately intelligent
  • but emotionally manipulative.

Boner-Killers

  • obnoxious
  • he’s already killed all chances of this miracle girl loving him
  • because she just has to read this book
  • or look at the cover
  • and then she will run away
  • he’s willing to publish his sexual history with you
  • he probably has radiation dick from x-ray sex
  • yes, x-ray sex.
  • he engages in negging to pick up girls
  • negging is, like, backhanded compliments to make women feel insecure
  • and he like, openly plays games with women’s emotions
  • even though he can spot that they’re needy
  • and then he’s like “what, if they want to fuck me that’s their problem”

The Verdict?

I’m sure Karma will make sure that this guy will have all slutty daughters. This is a hilarious read, but if you let this guy’s dick anywhere near you, you will probably have all of the STDs. Like, all of them. Rating: hilarious, but a BONER-KILLER.

Also, if you use negging to pick up girls, you should probably have your dick removed. You don’t deserve something so beautiful.