Chewbacca from “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green

YA books are always tricky because, well, the characters are underage. So I decided to review the one sexually active, male character in the book who is definitely of legal age . . . because he is from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Chewbacca.

chewbacca

Criminal. Protector of the universe. Participant in No-Shave-November. Photo credit: Wookieepedia

Keep in mind that I will be reviewing Chewbacca as he appears in “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green and not necessarily how he appears in the Star Wars movies.

Get it? Got it? Good.

About Chewie in TATWD:

  • Is a character of Star Wars erotic fan fiction written by Daisy
  • (best friend of the main character)
  • Dating Rey
  • That’s right, Chewie is dating Rey.
  • Owes a life debt to a really annoying character
  • who he should really just let die
  • because in all of Daisy’s fan fiction, it doesn’t seem like Chewie and Rey actually
  • you know
  • seal the deal.
  • Speaks three wookie languages

His problem?

  • Can’t get laid.

Sexxi Points:

  • Knowing multiple languages is always hot
  • Willing to die for his spouse
  • and protect the galaxy and stuff like that
  • is old enough to consent
  • can definitely grow a beard
  • Chest hair can also be nice
sexy-jedi-bubblebath.jpg

I googled ‘Sexy Chewbacca’ and the results were actually pretty tame. Excuse me while I scrub my browser history. Photo credit: Geekologie.

Boner Killers:

  • Bestiality?
  • or…what is the alien form of bestiality?
  • Extraterrestriality?
  • As many characters in the book point out, like
  • what IS Chewie, and can he rationally consent?
  • All of his languages are Wookie languages
  • Like he knows three languages and not one of them can be romantic?
  • Spanish, French, German, Italian maybe?
  • No?
  • Maybe a little too hairy
  • like he’s basically naked all the time, but we never see his
  • A trim will do, that’s all I’m saying.
  • History of crime.

Verdict:

John Green does this world some justice. I really believed I was reading about teenagers who wrote about Chewbacca doing it with Rey, and then argued over whether Chewbacca could or should do it with Rey.

But this Chewbacca is kind of a wuss who keeps letting an annoying secondary character get in the way of doing it. Rating: Semi-boner, if he can prove he’s sentient enough to consent.

Get TATWD and read about Chewbaccas sexcapades. Do you agree? Disagree? Hate me forever? Only time will tell.

 

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Niki Jumpei from “The Woman in the Dunes” by Kobo Abe

This classic centers around shoveling sand forever and it’s basically about the futility of life. It’s one of my favorite books. It’s also a little bit Stockholm syndrome-ish.

About Niki

  • likes to collect bugs
  • which might indicate an Oedipal complex
  • painfully logical
  • knows a lot about beetles
  • and sand
  • innocent and trusting
  • which is why it was so easy to trap him into shoveling sand forever

His problem?

  • these dudes convinced him to come to their town
  • to take a break from collecting bugs
  • but then they trapped him in a giant sand castle town
  • and gave him to this lonely woman
  • who is really good at keeping house
  • and then he develops Stockholm syndrome
  • and fucks her.
  • and he has to shovel sand to keep from drowning in the sand castle town
  • and continue fucking the woman who trapped him there

Sexxi Points

  • happy with the simple life
  • loyal to whoever he’s with
  • very strategic, but only when it comes to sand and bugs
  • otherwise he wouldn’t have been so easily tricked
  • only has eyes for his woman
  • but that might be because she’s uhm, the only woman
  • refuses to hit her even when it’s obvious she tricked him
  • hard-working

Boner-Killers

  • loses focus once he’s fat and happy
  • hard-working, yes, but not very ambitious
  • I mean, he goes from collecting bugs to shoveling sand
  • so I doubt he’d ever be able to fully support me as I write books and horny blogs
  • for the rest of my life
  • seems kind of passive about switching wives
  • and getting his new wife imposed on him
  • he will kind of sleep with any girl who cooks and sleeps in the nude
  • but it’s nice knowing I could have sand in my vagina and he’d still hit that
  • on second thought, that sounds painful.
  • it hurts when he pee pees
  • and some strange stuff comes out of his pee pee
  • he doesn’t understand that you can’t shovel up.

The Verdict?

It’s nothing personal, Niki, because you’ve got a lot of good points, but I just don’t want to have to imprison a man to get him to love me. Word of advice, you should stop nailing chicks with only girl in the world syndrome. But…you can’t read my advice because…she’s…not…letting…you. Oh well. I tried. Rating: BONER-KILLER.